A Hope Chest Full of Expectations

For some time, my husband and I have had a strong burden on our hearts to warn and yet encourage young women and their mothers regarding a pitfall we have seen in the realm of daughters preparing for marriage. No doubt there will be a number of single young women who will read this article, but I am primarily writing to us mothers. The Lord, speaking through Titus 2, gives us a number of specific areas in which we are to instruct our daughters and the younger women among us in the church.

Preparing young women to be "workers at home" ("keepers at home" in the KJV) is imperative, but like everything else, the way in which we prepare is the key. Certain preparations can lay the foundation for fruitful and godly womanhood, marriage, and motherhood, while other types of preparation can pave the way for marital strife, heartbreak, and disaster. There is a tremendous amount of ideas circulating around Christian circles for how young ladies can be preparing for marriage and suggestions for what they should be doing until the big day comes. Some of this is good sound advice from older women who are mature in the Lord. However, much of what is out there is misguided and unhealthy, and a good portion of it unfortunately comes from young women who are waiting to marry themselves and thus do not have much perspective, being in the same boat as the ones whom they are seeking to instruct.

I have a deep concern that there are many girls and young women who are filling their minds with fantasy and are predetermining what their future will be like based upon living in a dream world of their own making. Tragically, they call what they are doing "godly preparation for being a wife, mother, and keeper at home." And I'm not referring to things like reading "Christian" romance novels or delving into "Christian" dating -- those are pretty obvious snares for the female heart. What I am addressing here is the counsel and materials that are seemingly wholesome and innocent in appearance, but yet, when followed, can actually lead young women astray and do great harm to their future, because it encourages them to engage their hearts and minds in establishing expectations. Here are some examples of the traps I see.

Daydreaming
I read something recently where a young unmarried Christian woman was encouraging other young unmarried sisters to decorate their future home in their mind so they could begin preparing accordingly. Oh sisters, guard the hearts of your daughters and help them steer clear of all such fantasizing. The Lord has called all of us to live now, not to waste our time living out a fictitious future story in our minds or envisioning ourselves somewhere we are not. Such daydreaming breeds immense discontentment and leads to innumerable expectations (decisions, anchors, and standards we make in our heart for how or what something in the future should be like). These ideals and expectations, which young women will relive and embellish upon every time they fantasize about them, will subtly turn into demands that they will one day seek to impose upon their husband. At the very least, they will cause them to one day feel disappointed and hurt because the husband whom the Lord does join them to will be less than, or not allow or provide for, all these specific things they have dreamed up and invested so much emotional energy into (long before he ever came into the real picture).

A young woman needs to know she is learning skills, forging capacities, and preparing to herself to one day fit around a husband, and it is good and appropriate that she sees this as something she desires for her life. But she should never allow herself to begin mentally living out the future. This will only "prepare" her for heartache and pull her away from what the Lord has for her now.

Acquiring stuff
Many young ladies have been encouraged to start collecting or making things for their future home and put them in some sort of hope chest. I genuinely believe that there are a few young women who could manage to do this from a healthy place because they would keep it very general and hold it all very loosely in their hearts. But in all honesty, I see this as a major distraction for most young ladies that will serve to hinder true preparation for their future. As a result of focusing on acquiring things, many end up with a shallow, materialistic, and childish view of marriage and are not truly ready in the ways that really matter. Let me explain.

The Lord has made a woman to fit around, submit, and correspond to a man (Gen. 2:18). She is "created for the man's sake" (1 Cor. 11:9). Getting this reality into our hearts and living it out in daily life can be very difficult if we have been programmed by the world or have not seen good examples of marriage as described in Ephesians 5:22-33. Nevertheless, this is how God calls all of us to walk in our marriages. I have often used an analogy with wives to help encourage them in this -- if your husband is a cowboy, then you become a cowgirl. What this means to me is that it is incumbent upon us, ladies, to adjust the way we are in order to more perfectly correspond to the way our husband is. Bringing this back to young ladies acquiring stuff for their hope chests, there is no way they can know their future husband's tastes or his particular flavor ahead of time. All men have varied preferences just like all we women do. It is not the woman whom the home should reflect, but the man who is the head of it, and this is true even if he allows us to do most of the decorating.

What if, at 16 years old, a girl begins collecting her favorite Victorian dishes, along with beautiful trinkets, brass candleholders, and linens with heavy floral accents? For the next six years she acquires such things, envisioning each item in its place and how they will all come together to one day make a lovely home. But then, at 22, she marries a godly man who is very simple and wants his place real "homey." He already possesses the big recliner he wants in the den, and he sets out to make most of the other furniture they need out of pine dimension lumber (which obviously doesn't fit with pretty trinkets). His masterpiece is a big rustic dining room table with benches down the side that he thinks would look great with earth-tone stoneware and pewter salt & pepper shakers. Who he turned out to be in reality and what he provided doesn't fit with what she spent six years acquiring for, does it? What is she going to do then? "Submissively demand" that he use her things in the ways she has planned for them? Feel devastated because he doesn't care for all she had predetermined to lead him in?

I could tell you so many real life stories along these very lines, and I'm sure you know some too. Many new wives find themselves disappointed and hurt because they counted on what it would all be like based upon what all they had labored to acquire, only to find out that it doesn't really bless or honor their husband at all. In other words, these young women actually spent years preparing and acquiring for trouble in their marriages when they thought they were becoming Proverbs 31 women. Sadly, many are not humble enough to see that their own choices are the primary culprit for problems in this area and it is mostly all a dilemma of their own making. Even more sadly, many newlywed husbands, being ready to do anything to avoid conflict with their precious bride, swallow hard and don't say a word about how uncomfortable they feel sleeping under that lacy pink flowery quilt.

Deciding everything ahead of time
After arriving home from the honeymoon, some men make the frightful discovery that the woman they married has already decided about how everything in their home and life should be (based largely upon her previous fantasies). As a result, she is continually falling apart because he continually fails to live up to all her expectations. He didn't rightly perceive her preferences about a certain matter, he didn't know the right thing to do or say at a given moment, he didn't come in the door this certain way, he didn't greet her the way she previously envisioned, he wants to make changes in the way she has organized things, he keeps turning the toilet paper or paper towels so that they roll out from underneath rather than over the top, etc. His home becomes a prison with her as the jailer because she has already decided everything, and anything he says about it hurts her. Do you see that he cannot win?

One sweet sister I know called me on her honeymoon crying and saying, "I've always wanted to cook for my husband on our honeymoon so we could save money and yet he keeps ordering pizza to our hotel room or taking me out to nice restaurants and telling me there will be plenty of time (a lifetime) for me to cook for him later." She was so distressed because of her pre-decision of how honeymoon meals would be that she was missing out on all he was presently doing to bless and love on her.

Another sister once called me in a similar situation. She and her husband had been married for only a short time when he graciously explained to her why he wasn't able to eat very much of the meals she prepared. They grew up in different parts of the country and she made things way too spicy for him, plus everything she made was elaborate and gourmet. He, on the other hand, was Mr. Bland, a true meat & potatoes kind of guy. She felt devastated because, in her years before marriage, she had spent hours learning fancy chef techniques and had accumulated the finest of kitchen gadgets and now, when her time to shine forth in marriage with all of this had finally come, she discovered that he really didn't want all the grand taste and presentation. He just wanted simple meals and nothing fancy. Do you see how she presumed upon the husband she didn't yet even know and put too much of her heart into a specific preparation that did not correspond to the husband the Lord had her marry? And if you look carefully at the motives for these types of things I have given examples for, you will notice that the woman is doing something that is seemingly for her husband, but it is really all about her.

Other traps
Other traps I see young women fall into is picking colors, flowers, bridesmaids, and all other types of wedding planning when there is no groom. It may seem like something wholesome to daydream about, but in reality it is a dangerous fantasy and it focuses on the wrong things for that particular time in life. What about deciding on names for future children? Believe it or not, I have known several wives who were hurt and disillusioned because their husbands did not like the names they had picked out so many years before they ever met him. For them to let these expectations go, it almost felt to them like a death in the family had occurred. I know this may sound silly, but if you spend enough time planning, projecting how things will be, and fantasizing, the ideals you create become the reality you expect. This should sober us all.

Healthy preparation
What is good and healthy preparation for marriage that single young ladies can engage in? Identifying with their own mother is the most important preparation there is. Moms, take to heart the fact that a lot of their learning and becoming ready takes place just by watching you. When the topic of marriage comes up in conversation or in training, make sure to always encourage them in the more general things and to not let their hearts go to deciding or planning the specifics. Have them learn many basic skills that will enable them to be a "helper suitable" and a blessing to their husband, to whom they can specifically tailor these abilities. Skills like cooking, sewing, caring for children (feeding, bathing, changing diapers, putting to sleep, nurturing, etc.), treating sicknesses and injuries, cleaning, handling money frugally, finding bargains and identifying budget-busters when shopping, cutting hair, time management, and knowing how to locate or obtain information about things you need are a real plus to take into marriage.

As far as what to have them save, collect, or make prior to marriage, I think it is best for parents to be the ones to lead their daughters in this and not other girls so it doesn't get carried away. You, as parents, consider saving something to give them when the marriage time has come. Encourage them to collect only the things that would fit with any man's tastes, and to definitely not allow this to become a huge focus.

Probably the best preparation for a young woman comes with learning to be content in serving the family she has now. Focusing on her siblings and parents and learning to consider their needs and love them "in deed and in truth" is invaluable (1 John 3:18). It is only natural for a young lady to want to make her own nest, so don't squash this desire when it comes up, even if you sense her trying to take over your nest. Just purposefully direct her in constructive ways to focus this desire. And remember, it is never okay to live in tomorrow, so encourage her to fully give herself to what the Lord has for her in life right now (Matt. 6:33-34, James 4:13-17).

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