Young Children Need to Stay Dependent

There is such a wonderful connectedness we mothers share with our babies when we are carrying them in pregnancy. We feel all of their kicking and share their every movement, even their hiccups! We also know that everything we eat and drink can and does affect our baby. These are just a few aspects of this amazing dynamic. They are part of us, attached to us, and vitally need us. Every time my husband, Matthew, snips our newest newborn's umbilical cord, it always represents to me that child's first step in detaching and becoming a separate person from me. With all of my children, I have to continually embrace that they are growing and will not stay little and totally dependent upon me forever. This is a wonderful reality, yet often a painful process.

We never like to see our children make bad choices. We wish we could keep them close in our arms and never allow anything to harm, hurt, disappoint, or tempt them. Our motherly instinct is not only strong, it is God-given, and what our children reap from it is an imperative part of healthy growth and development. But our culture has somehow convinced us with a notion that we need to speed up the process and make them independent before it is time. Young children need to be with their parents. They need to go with you everywhere, do what you're doing (or at least be with you while you're doing it), and not start individuating just yet. The time will inevitably come when they will leave your nest and start their own, but it is so important that their foundation is a dependent one.

Why is this?

First, the Lord has called us to look to Him alone as our Source in/for everything. Without Him we are lost and destitute. Many people teach their children to be so inordinately independent, self-motivated, and self-willed, that when these folks come to the Lord Jesus they are shocked to hear they have to lay all of this down in order to truly follow Him (Mark 8:34-38). Many of these end up with a relationship with the Lord where they only approach Him with their needs in order to get help with their life, but they fail to move into appropriately living in daily, desperate, total dependence upon His life. Yes, there are many factors in a person's life that can hinder them from looking to Jesus for everything. But we have a key opportunity, during the short season they are young, to lay a good foundation of the blessing of dependent living in a context that is appropriate and healthy. In such a context, development into functioning more and more for themselves is a natural expression of life, not a goal that is fervently pursued, which subtly puts a high premium on independence.

Secondly, young children become lost inside and lose their inner bearing if they are left alone (emotionally, interactively, and/or physically) and do not have someone "in their space" and in their hearts to be joined with. We can mold and shape how they relate to other people and various other situations and things, but we have to have them with us for this to occur. For instance, I believe that bad attitudes, sour faces, and sluggish responses to parental leading should be dealt with every time. If one of my children is, say, pouting, I am right there to discern this and help them turn. But more importantly, we need to recognize that when our children act this way, it is evidence their heart is not with ours and they have their own thing going. They have separated themselves from us by being independent and self-willed. Isn't this the epitome of what the scriptures refer to as "walking according to the flesh" in our relationship with the Lord? Parenting is truly 24 hours a day, seven days a week -- all the time! Yet over time, as we work with our children and they prove themselves faithful in choosing their heart well and being obedient to our leadings, they don't have to be with us continually. It is a gradual weaning we do as we see faithfulness and they mature.

The third reason I see that our children need to be with us and have a healthy foundation of dependent living is because a child's heart longs to be part of someone or something (God made it this way!). If we are not leading and providing a place for them to stay heart-connected with us, they will find something else to fill this void. Some will attach themselves to another child or a cartoon character. Others will begin actually bonding with an imaginary friend or a fantasy world of their own making. Be attentive and make sure their heart never leaves being with you. Do not encourage them in an independent life with little or no boundaries, unsupervised freedom, and humanistic, worldly "free thinking."

Young children must develop a capacity for their life being part of and one with someone else's life -- namely, their parents, and specifically we are looking at the mother's role in this. Let them find their comfort in you, and watch closely that they don't find it in various objects, foods, other people, or compulsive "rituals" where they expect/demand that certain things they have decided on must happen at certain times or be done in a specific way or they are not "okay." You be their security.

A by-product of having my children with me is that they have learned from a young age to work hard (and truly enjoy it) just because of living life with their Daddy and I. Though we have done some training, we have never had to implement a series of rules, do a reward system, or teach them "10 aspects of how to be a hard worker." They are simply with us while we work and they identify with how we are. And hard work is just one of the many things we do in our day. We don't compartmentalize life into this is work, this is pleasure, this is school, this is our spiritual time, etc. We just live life together, sharing hearts openly and doing whatever we discern the Lord is leading us in (Rom. 8:14). It is all so enjoyable. Children can pick up so many skills -- communicating, cooking, sewing, laundry, gardening, etc. -- just by being with to you. We can make things so complicated and we try so hard, when it is so natural just to live.

How can we do this?

This is where it gets real practical. Make a place for your young children to be with you in most everything. When you clean, let them help you or sit by and watch or play next to you. Sure, your cleaning may not go as quickly or efficiently, but the process you are allowing for has benefits that can last your child a lifetime. When you cook, tell them about what you are doing. Let them help in as many ways as they can, or just set them up on the countertop or on a chair and talk or sing together while you work. Let them garden with you, run errands with you, and let them help you fold the laundry, etc. Those towels may not be in perfect uniform stacks, but what is more important here? When you are reading something for yourself, have them sit next to you with their own book(s). When I mop the kitchen floor, all my children (young and older) and I put wet rags under our feet, drizzle some cleaner around, and them we scoot and "skate" together all over the floor, laughing and singing. If you find that you have activities in your life that they cannot somehow watch or participate or at least be with you in, then reevaluate if they are really things the Lord would have you be doing. I personally do not feel we mothers of young children need to have very many of these.

Another way to keep your children "with you" is through the interaction that takes place through often, daily, direct eye contact and conversation. People these days seem to avoid direct eye contact where it is appropriate, like among the members of your family, and instead look everywhere except in the eyes of who they are talking to. If doing this is "too intimate" for you with your children, then you are unfortunately already disconnected and each living in your own "walled city." Even when my children are infants, I engage them in their eyes and talk to them and constantly touch them. I love sharing real life and having real conversations with my children. Everyday life is not boring!

Ask your children real questions -- don't just give them superficial fluff. Even though they are small, they have real hearts and minds. I believe children can usually see right through what is artificial. Some folks think children only understand what is fun, cute, entertaining, loud, colorful, shallow, or foolish. This is not true, but if you serve them up with a steady diet of those sorts of things, you will train them to become "addicted" to it and become shallow individuals who do not know how to be vulnerable, content, open, and at peace. Instead, let them become addicted to your love and life, and relish being "on your train." This will not lead them to become dysfunctional adults (unless your "loving" them is coming out of some deep-rooted unhealthy need and selfishness of your own). It will instead help pave the way for them to become our brothers and sisters in Christ who know how to draw off of the Lord's life and abide in Him (John 15:1-11)!

Now, you might be thinking, "I'm going to feel suffocated if I do that," or, "What about my time?" or, "All that will take up too much time when I can knock it out quickly by myself," or, "I need a break now and then." Well, I'll say this as graciously as I know how: You must die to your own life, space, and time. In Proverbs 31, it says "she rises also while it is still night" and "her lamp does not go out at night" (vv. 15, 18). In other words, she is constantly available! "Greater love" is laying down your life and "it does not seek its own" (John 15:13 , 1 Cor. 13:5). It will make your flesh scream, but who you really are in Christ will love it and feel that nothing could be more satisfying.

As women & mothers, the Lord has made us to live this way, but we have been so saturated with the world's self-focused ideas. We have been bombarded with such notions as "hold onto your rights," and "get out in the real world, make your mark, and be a success," and other such ME-first leaven. Even us "stay-at-home mothers" have been conditioned to believe we "need a break" from our children (For those who are disconnected from their children and not faithful to discipline them consistently, a legitimate case for a break might really be made! But this would only buy a few fleeting moments of relief, not a long-term beneficial solution to the real problem.). The Lord Jesus has called us to lay down our rights and serve our families (cf. 1 Tim. 5:9-10).

When you become genuinely tired, depleted, and are "needing your cup filled," -- as we all do -- the Lord will meet this need as we actively trust Him with it. He may use the appreciative words of your husband, an encouraging word from a sister, a "nugget" from the scriptures, the edification from gathering with the saints in your area, or just His abundant grace filling you up. The point is YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUSH OFF FROM YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR HOME TO GET THIS NEED MET! When I am in a situation and I am weary or struggling or my heart is heavy, I just open my heart and my mouth and sing or pray. The Lord has always been faithful to fill me regardless of where I am or what I am doing.

Some Helps and Hindrances

Avoid "Mother's Day Out" type things (the very name should be a "red flag").
Don't let your young children play unattended with other children.
If you live with your heart pretty closed and you're not accustomed to being vulnerable, then talk to the Lord and your husband and see how they might lead you in becoming more open. You cannot give away what you do not have.
Begin weeding out entertainment and you will find that you and your children will be much more content with daily life together.
Stay home as much as you can.
Cut out age-segregated activities and do things everyone can be a part of.
Don't allow the telephone to be an interruption in your home. Ask your husband for his covering and counsel here.
If for some reason you cannot be with your children, leave them with someone who will basically continue in what you are doing with them and how you relate to them. If you do not have someone who can do this, don't leave them! And don't ever let the television baby-sit your children.
Slow down! Nurturing and cultivating your children's hearts and lives takes a good deal of time and attention. If your goal is to accomplish & finish -- that is, hurry and get this & that done, and work your way down your list as quickly as possible -- then everyone becomes a bother and intrusion. Enjoy the process in getting to the destination.