Representing the Lord to Our Children

by Matthew Chapman

 

 

Have you ever considered that the way we, as parents, train our children to relate to us also forms a basis for how they will one day relate to the Lord? Our children's understanding of how they "do life" with us will one day carry over into their relationship with the Lord and will directly affect their perception of what "doing life" with Him is all about. In saying "one day," I am not implying that our children cannot have real direct interaction with the Lord now, at a young age-they can and do. But by the Lord's own design, such direct interaction is limited. Instead, for this season called child-rearing, He has chosen to primarily "come near" to our children through us, their parents. Of necessity, this places vital importance upon how we relate to our children, how we train them to relate to us, and how we establish what life with us is all about. I feel there are some significant things on this subject the Lord would have us look at. But before presenting them, I need to first create a context.

We all know Proverbs 22:6, which says, "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." Likewise, we are very familiar with the passage that says, "Behold, children are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb is his reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." (Psalm 127:3-5). Which way is "the way he should go"? Or, asking the same question using the second scripture, what is the target we are to aim the "arrows" of our "quiver" at so that they will land there after we have released them?

The primary things the Lord has put on my heart to search out and proclaim have to do with His eternal purpose. Like any other servant in whom the Lord has instilled a particular focus and burden to bear in the work of His kingdom, virtually any subject I talk about seems to somehow come back to this theme. What is God's eternal purpose? I think the easiest way we can begin recognizing it is by looking at what is left over when everything else has been done away with. In other words, when time has ended, and this present creation has passed away, and all people and angels and demons have been judged and recompensed accordingly-what is it, or rather who is it, that continues on with the Lord for eternity? The Lord allowed John to see the answer to this question, and, through him, has passed this revelation on to us:

Simply stated, God's eternal purpose is to prepare a bride without spot or blemish and present her to His Son, the Lord Jesus, for them to be joined in oneness for eternity. This bride of Christ-who is also referred to in this passage as the holy city, New Jerusalem, and the tabernacle of God-is a spiritual entity composed of the building material of His faithful people from throughout the ages. Upon full union and consummation of the betrothal, the Bridegroom will forever lead her in the glorious wonders of all that is on His heart for the eternal marriage-things which "eye has not seen and ear has not heard"-with her perfectly corresponding to Him in all things. This is the ultimate eternal purpose of God for man, and for those of us who are still on the earth running our race, it is our hope.

She was the joy set before the Lord Jesus for whom He gladly endured the cross (Heb. 12:1-3). "He gave Himself up for her," Ephesians 5:25 tells us (see also Titus 2:11-15). The Lord Jesus declared that "the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who gave a wedding feast for his son" (Matt. 22:1-14), and we know that this is exactly what happens in the end (Rev. 19:7-10). And, as if the preview quoted above from what the Lord gave to John to communicate to us the summation of His eternal purpose was not enough emphasis, He sent an angel to take him through the whole thing all over again:

"The way [our children] should go" is the way that leads to New Jerusalem inhabited by her King. Being part of the bride of Christ, along with all the faithful saints from throughout the ages, is the target we are to aim the "arrows" of our "quiver" at. The way and the "arrow-trajectory" that leads there is not something that is established in a life by chance. To land in the holy city requires "overcoming" during our time upon the earth (Rev. 3:12, 21:7, et al.). To be a part of the wife of the Lamb requires specific preparation on our part (Rev. 19:7). To inherit this as our eternal portion requires faithfulness with this great salvation we have been given in Christ (Rev. 21:7, Matt. 25:14, 21, 23, 34-40; Heb. 2:1-5). We all naturally want to be overcomers, "make ourselves ready" for our Bridegroom, and be found faithful by Him, and thus cooperate fully with His eternal purpose during our brief time upon the earth. And nothing, as parents, would give us greater joy than for the same to be true of our children.

According to Paul, the "earmark" quality of the bride of Christ is a heart and life and walk of submission to the Lord Jesus:

The Lord, through Paul, instructs the married women in His church to relate to their husbands in a way that clearly reflects the way the bride of Christ relates to her glorious Groom. And so that there would be no doubt about this, Paul closed this passage by saying, "This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church" (5:32). If we are to be useable building material whom God can utilize in composing the bride, then of necessity we must allow His Holy Spirit to fashion a heart of submission in us and we must cooperate with His workings in our lives to bring this about (Heb. 3:6). Obviously, the earlier we can get started in this process, the more fruit we can bear and "wedding clothes" we can acquire, which bring glory and honor to Him (John 15:1-11; Rev. 19:7-9, 3:1-6, 16:15; Matt 22:1-14).

Having now created this context, let's come back to our original subject matter: As parents, we must realize that the way in which we train our children to relate to us also forms a basis-for good or for bad-for how they will one day relate to the Lord. Their understanding of how they "do life" with us will one day directly affect their perception-for good or for bad-of how they are to "do life" with the Lord. If a submissive heart is the most outstanding quality of the bride of Christ, should it not be a priority for us to nurture and encourage and "train up" such a heart in our children in relating to us? If they can learn to walk in this "way" in the initial stages of life, and find that it is a wonderful and safe and joyful place to abide, they "will not depart."

By early adolescence, our children begin walking as those who are fully accountable to the Lord for their own lives and choices. In other words, they reach what many call "the age of accountability." Hopefully, they will also begin moving toward more and more direct relating to the Lord. If they have already been walking in submission to us from their hearts, then their transition to more direct relating to the Lord will be smoother, and it will seem all the more like "home" to them. Remember, it is [hopefully] the Lord who has been "coming near" to our children through us all along. If this has been true, then it will just seem to them that He has come much closer!

Now all of this is a wonderful "game plan," but what about walking it out in our moments? I have found that most of us have an amazing ability, apart from God's grace, to hold dogmatically to an ideal while, at the same time, making choices that work directly against that ideal being realized in our lives. This is no less true in our parenting. But before going on, we need a working definition of submission. For me, the idea of "fitting around" captures it best. One who is submitting to another is fitting around them. We see this with the Lord Jesus and His bride. She corresponds to Him, not vice versa. He is the Initiator, and she (thus, all of us who compose her) is the responder. He is the Seed, we are the soil. He is the Potter, we are the clay. He is the stronger vessel in this relationship, we are the weaker (cf. 1 Pet. 3:7). Submission is the practice of one fitting around another in a subservient way; that is, one identifying with, looking to, taking their cues from, trusting in, and following someone who is "bigger" than them

At this point in my life, my primary "tent making" is a business where I go and perform on-site repairs on the chipped and broken plastic laminate that covers the merchandise fixtures and check-out counters for several major department store chains in the region of Texas where I live. In the process of doing my work, I am constantly in a position to observe the ways parents choose to relate to their children, and thus the ways in which they are training their children to relate to them, particularly in the areas of submitting to their leadership and discipline. I know what I am about to say is no secret, but, in a first-hand sense, after nearly five years of making countless observations, I can truly say that the spirit of this age has established very definite threads of destruction in our present culture's methods of parenting.

The specific thread I would like to focus on, as pertains to this article, is that so many parents today do not have their children's hearts with them (i.e., truly fitting around and submitting to them). In addition, they appear to not even know how to call for their child's heart and direct them in joining it with them. Even more tragic, is that these parents do not seem to recognize the need and validity of doing so. Thus, in the absence of having their children's hearts, they employ all kinds of tactics to try to get them to do what they want. Parents manipulate, coax, bargain, entertain, and/or intimidate their children into mere momentary outward compliance, and have lost sight of the importance of truly getting their children's hearts joining with and fitting around theirs.

One day, a woman was looking at dresses while her little daughter kept running around the area, zigzagging through all the other racks of dresses. "Stop running around, please! Come here and stand beside me!" the mother said repeatedly. The child would stop, go to her mother for a few seconds, and then quickly resume her running around. After this scenario repeated itself five or six times, the mother said to the daughter, "You're not making me feel very important by not doing what I am saying. Now get over here!" The child then reluctantly complied, but for what reason? To make her mother feel important?! Because she knew she had pushed her mother as far as she could without getting in real trouble? I do not know. But what was clear was that the child never truly submitted to her mother.

Then there was a father who kept saying to his son, "Come on, Douglas!"
"Douglas, come on!"
"Douglas!"
"Douglas, I'm not going to tell you again!"
"Douglas, come oooon!"
Seeing that his son was not going to obey, he stood there in frustration, considering his options. Then he said, "Oh Douglas-hot dog! Let's go out to the mall and get a hot dog!" The boy came running. Again, the child complied, but never truly submitted to his father.

One set of parents, apparently very avid consumers, were walking way ahead of their 2-3 year old child, eyeing all the merchandise for sale. As long as their child followed within 16-20 feet behind them, the parents were satisfied. But when the child stopped, the parents turned and said, "Come on! Come on!" When the child did not respond, they said, "Okay, BYE!" and turned around and abruptly began walking off. Of course the child then began to scream and cry and run toward them. One of the parents turned around and said, "All right then, now you see that you've got to keep up or we're going to leave you," and then immediately resumed their fast-paced trek ahead of the little child. I have seen this particular scenario played out countless times.

I could go through many such examples where parents manipulate, coax, bargain, entertain, intimidate, and threaten their children into some form of outward compliance but never require heart submission and obedience. Some may say, "Yeah, but these are extreme examples from people in the world who are probably not even born again." Well, perhaps, but not necessarily. It cannot be denied that such practices exist among the Lord's people as well. But let's look closer to home. Do we not sometimes, in essence, practice the very same things? We may give our children slightly less leeway or practice these tactics in a more "Christian" manner, yet what we're doing and the effect it is having on our children is the very same.

How many times, like the woman in the first example, do we appeal to our children to comply because of how their disobedience is affecting us-"you're not making me feel important," "you're wearing me out," "I'm sick and tired of [fill in the blank]," "you're embarrassing me.making a scene.making us look bad in public"? It is true that our children's choices and conduct affect us, but is this really teaching them to submit and obey us from their hearts? No, it is teaching them that they control our well-being as a person. Are we loving our children when we employ this tactic? No, we are manipulating them to further our own self-interests. How is that? Because we are avoiding having to confront and deal with the real issue, that they are not fitting around us and obeying us, and we are trying instead to get compliance by focusing on ourselves and playing "poor me." Is this how the Lord relates to us? No, but when such children grow up they are probably going to subtly relate to God as One who really only cares about Himself, and to obedience to Him as "what we have to do to make Him look good." Instead of running toward God, they will, like the little girl, probably prefer to run away.

What about the father who motivated his son with the hot dog? At times, do we not also use the tactic of appealing to our children's sense of selfish gain in order to get them to comply? Sure there are seemingly wonderful pseudo-fruits of shallow outward temporary obedience, but is this practice teaching them to fit around us and take their cues from us, as the authority God has placed in their lives? No, it is teaching them how to bargain-to hold out and only give in when the offer is suitable to them. The deception that typically serves as our rationale when we do things like this is something along these lines: "If I can just do something quick to get my child to comply, I can get on with what I'm wanting to do without the prolonged interruption of what it takes to discipline them." So confronting the child's rebellion, disciplining in love, and taking the opportunity to train the child's heart in submission (fitting around) is sacrificed on the altar of self-interest and self-protection. This is not love. In fact, in such contexts, we are actually hating our children, for the scriptures say, "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently" (Prov. 13:24). Is this how the Lord relates to us? No, but when such children grow up they are going to be prime candidates for viewing God as a "genie," and for relating to godliness as a means of gain (1 Tim. 6:3-5).

What about the parents who said, "Bye!" and walked away from their child when he would not come? Does threatening our children with rejection and abandonment-whether that be walking off, ignoring, cold-shouldering, or focusing outright hostility on them-train them to follow us from their hearts? No, it teaches them that our love and devotion to them is very conditional, and is based upon their not doing something wrong, and that obtaining good favor with us is something hard to come by. Are we loving our children when we employ this tactic? No, we are playing a cruel and manipulative game with them in order to get them to comply. Is this how the Lord relates to us? No. The scriptures clearly teach that our Lord is patient, long-suffering, and slow to anger, yet He will deal with sin in the lives of His children. He "scourges every son whom He receives" (Heb. 12:5-13, Prov. 3:11-12). Yet those who are raised under ongoing threats of rejection and abandonment will be easy takers for doctrines that breed extreme insecurity and foster a life of constant self-absorbed fear and guilt. Rather than growing in grace and "keeping themselves in the love of God" (Jude 21), these tormented souls always feel like they are displeasing to God and constantly wonder if they have somehow crossed the line with God to the point of no return.

What about those of us who operate under the assumption that if we can just get our children to understand what we are telling them, then surely they will obey. When our child resists or disobeys, instead of dealing with their disobedience we try to coax them into compliance by appealing to their logic in order to get them to see that they should do what we're telling them to do because it makes good sense. Is this teaching our children to submit to us from their hearts, follow our lead, and "trust and obey"? No, it is one more dance of ours around having to deal with the attitude and posture of their hearts. I am often glad to let my children in on what I am thinking or why I chose to lead them a certain way. This will help them to learn. But this is reserved for a time subsequent to them trusting and obeying. Are we loving our children when we cater to their demands for explanations as a means of coaxing them into compliance? No, we're still protecting ourselves in some way from having to deal with the real issue. Is this how the Lord relates to us? No, but such who are raised in this way will be even more inept at "trusting the Lord with all their heart" and will be all the more entrenched in a lifestyle of "leaning upon their own understanding." They will move on in life to expecting and even demanding explanations from the Lord that will satisfy their understanding before they will follow and obey Him.

So far we have only looked at examples of this dynamic in the context of how we train and discipline. But what about just the way we are as people whom our children have to relate to as the authority in their lives? I have a dear friend whose father served three tours of duty in the Vietnam War, and was thus absent during much of his childhood. And even when he was home, he seldom connected with his children. To this day, this brother has continuing struggles with knowing/recognizing the Lord's abiding presence with him. How many of us know brethren who had parents who were overly critical/correcting while seldom affirming of them? Today they are keen on scriptures about sanctification, holiness, and purification, and on knowing God as Judge, which is good, but they are weak/void in knowing the kindness of the Lord, let alone experiencing daily interactive love with Him (Rom. 11:22). Such are quick to focus on "what's wrong," and view their life as a quest to get fixed, and are constantly susceptible to cycles of guilt and condemnation and feeling unacceptable to God.

What about parents who are loving and affectionate, yet they choose to let all of life revolve around their children. Their children's activities, desires, and attitudes determine the daily schedule and regimen rather than them "fitting around" their parents' leadings. Such children will grow up into adults who think they are wonderful (in the arrogant sense), and will continue thinking that God and all the universe is to revolve around them. Needless to say, they will have to go through tremendous breaking if they ever hope to become building material for New Jerusalem. And what about the parents who promise much but have poor follow-through? Or those who have not yet fully embraced their families and still try to maintain a separate life from their children by constantly giving them over to baby-sitters while they go do whatever it is they do? Or parents who are passive and only engage in essential relating with their children? Or those who stay quite busy but never take the time to regularly touch hearts with their children? We could go on and on.

Aside from the very real destructive element these practices have in our families, the greater tragedy is that we are subtly creating capacities in our children that will hinder them walking with the Lord. Instead of us allowing the Lord to come near to our children through us and train their hearts and lives in submission via their relationship with us, we many times draw near in the flesh, and are thus ultimately working to warp our children's perception and ability to relate to the Lord in Spirit and in truth. The longer we sustain these practices, the greater the damage that is done. Rather than training up quality "raw material" who will move on toward a relationship with God in which He transforms them into quality building material for New Jerusalem, they will inevitably move the other direction.

Any of us could easily take what all has been said as a heavy load to bear. It is good that we are sobered, and walk soberly, seeing the truth and the importance and relatedness of these matters. But what is our response to be? Most of us need very little convincing that we parent in great weakness. Our own areas of lack and ways of doing things that are not from the Spirit still come through no matter how hard we try. We are still in the midst of our own sanctification process and are by no means perfect. So what do we do? If we will embrace our weaknesses and humble ourselves before the Lord throughout each day, and ask Him to lead us and give us wisdom, and then draw from His abundant supply of grace, He will faithfully and powerfully move in our midst. He will redeem, restore, correct, instruct, equip, and cover. It is really that simple. Remember, His yoke is easy and His load is light (Matt. 11:30), and we enter [and abide in] the kingdom of God as children ourselves (Matt. 18:3).

 

 

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