Recognizing and Responding to Rebellion

Before It's Too Late

by Matthew Chapman

 

 

When most of us hear the word "rebellion," the picture that most often comes to mind is that of older children or teenagers being flagrantly disrespectful and defiant to their parents or any other authority figure. While this is certainly a valid picture, I think we would do well to broaden our perception and definition to also include the very seed of rebellion-the beginning point at which it begins to germinate and take root in the hearts of our children. Because of the fallen state of mankind and the sin nature our children possess before experiencing the new birth in Jesus (and then, for that matter, because of "the flesh" and all its lusts that remain a part of the earthen vessel even after being born of the Spirit), the fact that rebellion will attempt to take root in our children's lives is an absolute certainty. But if we have an eye for rebellion in its infancy, we can "nip it in the bud" before it matures into those expressions of flagrant disrespect and defiance that are so destructive to the child and their relationships within the family.

My wife, Maranatha, and I like to garden, and we live in a part of Central Texas that is heavily forested with oak trees, particularly those of the post oak variety. If we are faithful in tending our garden, we shouldn't expect to one day suddenly discover a 40-foot-tall post oak tree out there in the middle of it. If we did, then obviously we missed some things we should have caught way back there when this tree was first developing. We must be diligent to watch all that goes on within our fences, as well as properly water, fertilize, and tend the soil in order to give our cultivated plants the best opportunity we can for growth, maturity, and fruitfulness. One aspect of this is that we must keep it well-weeded, for the seeds of undesirable plants-even the acorns of post oak trees-will make their way into the rich composted soil we have labored to have in our garden. When these little oak saplings sprout-and from time to time they will-we should be attentive enough to notice them and pull them up, roots and all. As a side note, if we keep the soil in our garden well mulched (covered), this will deny many of these undesirable seeds the environment they need to germinate and take root in the first place.

So it is with our children. If we keep an ever-watchful eye on their hearts (which Jesus specifically likens to soil-cf. Luke 8:15 , et al.), cover them appropriately, and attentively give them the proper nutrients of love, truth, nurturing, discipline, and training that they need to flourish and grow to maturity, then the "acorns" (temptations) of rebellion that do happen to germinate should not ever make it very far along in their endeavor to become a tree. They should be easily recognized in their infancy and uprooted immediately.

Okay, that's a great game plan, but what do little "post oak sprouts" of rebellion look like, and once identified, how do we uproot them? These are the primary two questions I want to address in this article, but first allow me to say a few things. None of us parents begin our families as "master gardeners," do we? We have to begin "where we are." Yes, some folks more readily develop a "green thumb" than others who have to work even harder at it, but all of us begin inexperienced and with an undeveloped plot of soil. It doesn't matter if your parents are experienced farmers and master gardeners, and thus you have some good background experience, or if you come from a family that ate everything out of a can or a box or a plastic bag, you nevertheless begin your garden (family) at square-one with the opportunity to make it a reflection of what is in your hearts. So if you are just starting out with little bitty children, don't be alarmed that you feel extremely weak and overwhelmed. Just cry out to God who "gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6). In time, by His grace and Life, you'll hit your stride.

I'm sure there are also some of you reading this who are farther along in life and are just now coming to the realization of these things and you are a bit panicked by the sight of a number of young "post oak trees" in the hearts and lives of your children, and you feel like your running from behind and to "win" is impossible. Be encouraged. Our Great God is a Redeemer, who can work in/through you doing what things you can, by His grace and leadership, to cut down these trees and rid the soil of their stumps and roots, and ultimately turn the tide on these things while there is still time. Others of you, unfortunately, have reached the point where your children are truly too old to make the necessary changes and the opportunity to get it right has passed. Even so, as you grieve the loss in broken repentance before God and cry out to Him for mercy, He can work through your prayers and intercession to redeem your children in their young adulthood, if they themselves come to seek Him. Hopefully, though, there is still time for you to labor in your garden (family life), and that is what this article is all about.

So back to our two questions. First, what do these little "post oak sprouts" of rebellion look like in our children? The answer is simple: it is when their heart is not with ours. This is the essence of rebellion beginning to take root in the hearts of our children, and is what we need to deal with the minute we first see it. Remember, we're expanding our perception of rebellion from just the flagrant varieties of defiance and disrespect to include the starting points at which it all first gets going. So let's look at some of the ways our children's heart-disconnectedness from us can show up, which, if left unchecked, will develop into more overt forms of rebellion.

 

• Punishing
  Any form of children punishing their parents for mistakes they (the parents) made or for leading them in ways they don't like shows that their heart is not with their parents but rather has risen above them as Judge. This can show up in things like pouting, fussing, complaining, giving the "cold shoulder," accusing, condemning, shutting down and closing off, etc.
  
  
• Taking care of the parent(s)
  Whenever children feel responsible for their parent's well-being, it is an unbearable load that they will one day run away from (rebel against). The aspect of this that is unbearable is their feeling responsible for their parent's emotional or spiritual well-being, which is what makes it extremely unhealthy. Whether this is actually put on them by the parents or, for whatever misguided reasons, they take it upon themselves, it is a way that children rise above their parents rather than have their hearts with them in submissive and honorable relating. It can show up in children ever encouraging their parents in order to try and keep them from getting depressed, or ever advising the parents in what to do, or picking up responsibilities for the family that are only for the parents to carry, or holding to a belief that "my parent(s) will not be okay (stable) unless I          ," etc. [For clarification: I'm not talking about when children are called upon to help take physical care of a parent who is sick, injured, or disabled.]
  
  
• Impatience
  Children who display an inability to wait or exercise patience when it is called for are displaying that their heart is not with their parents, but is rather demanding to get their way and get it now.
  
  
• Fearfulness
  If a child stays stuck in fear when you have called for their trust, it is them setting their will against yours and living detached.
  

This is just a sampling of ways children can manifest and express that their heart is not with ours. Most any normal child will express these things in numerous ways from time to time throughout their years in training-that is only natural. But remember, these are little "sprouts" that will grow into trees of established rebellion if you do not deal with them when you first see them. So how can we respond to these things? Or better yet, how can we be proactive and preemptive, and mulch (cover) the soil (hearts) of our children in such a way that denies many of these seeds the environment to even germinate and take root in the first place? The following is a few thoughts in no particular order.

 

Cultivate living heart-connected "from Day One"
This is a "two-way street" that involves we parents both drawing out our children's hearts and giving them ours. For this to work, it has to begin with the parents. If we require something of our children that we ourselves do not live and exemplify in our own life, then this hypocrisy will work like "Miracle-Gro" to fertilize whatever "post oak sprouts" of rebellion are taking root in their heart. Look at what the Father does with us. "We love, because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19). The Lord Himself initiated having a relationship with us, expressing His great love for us and displaying His very heart to us through Jesus (John 14:8-9, Heb. 1:1-4, John 17:22-26), and because of His initiation, He calls for us to fully join our hearts with Him and live every moment abiding with Him. We would do well to do the same with our children. They need to know that they are fervently loved by you, as demonstrated in affection, embrace, ongoing eye contact, touch, inclusion into your life and doings, faithful discipline, patient training, accessibility, protection, often heart communications, etc. If this is the environment you are providing and living, it is easy for them to join with you and respond in kind.

But over this very point is where there are snags for a lot of people. Many parents do not even know what it means to "live heart-connected." They do not even have it in their marriages, and thus the void shows up with their children as well as their relationships with the Lord's people around them. They are polite, orderly, and responsible, and yet unaffectionate and distant ("backed up"), displaying that they are awkward and uncomfortable with interaction that goes deeper than surface-level relating. Perhaps they were raised in a home that was this way and they have never known life differently. Or maybe they have been hurt and choose to live with their walls up. Whatever the reason, everyone-spouse and children included-is kept "at arm's length."

If this describes you in some way, then you have a window of opportunity to make choices to live differently, but know that this window will not stay open forever. Begin now by seeking the Lord diligently, asking Him to do a fresh and deeper work in your life. Take steps now to deliver your heart to your children. Hug them. Kiss them. Take them into your arms and tell them how much you love them and describe the unique things about them that you enjoy. Look deep into their eyes whenever you talk. Ask them open-ended questions that draw them out to share. Talk to them about real life, about things that really matter. If you are not accustomed to doing this, will you feel vulnerable? Yes. Will doing this be s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g for you? Definitely. But the only way to get beyond mere surface and functional relating to truly living heart-connected with your children is that you are going to have to get comfortable delivering your heart to your children and drawing out theirs to join with you. I'm not suggesting that you have to be all mushy and syrupy-sweet. I am, however, saying that you have to learn to deliver your heart in a real, genuine, and unambiguous way.

If this is an area of weakness for you, don't procrastinate, start making steps in this direction today. If our life is like "a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away," then the season of child-rearing we have is an even smaller sub-vapor that is gone even more so before we know it. You don't want to have be jolted one day by some circumstances or conversations with your young-adult or married children that breaks your heart and finally motivates you to change, only to realize that it's too late to raise your family any differently and you have successfully passed down your disconnected way of living to yet another generation.

We have only one set of child-rearing years in which to walk through, and then they are gone forever. Cultivating good relationships with our children on a heart-level will go far in denying rebellion an environment in which to thrive. But children left to themselves, alone in heart, not living heart-connected with Dad and Mom, even in the midst of a large Christian homeschooling family that is full of busyness and functional involvement, will be much more susceptible to being rebellious. Most people, including our children, eventually push away from emptiness and lifeless existence in search of other people and things they think will meet their need.

For those of you who more easily share your heart, know that the Lord wants to hone and purify your capacities too. Families that are heartsy can be an environment for rebellion to grow if their content is not real and genuine but rather a production of warmly packaged shallowness. Make sure that you are not doing & saying things just to create an effect in your children (i.e., give them the "warm fuzzies," make them think or feel a certain way when there is really no substance behind what you're "giving" them, etc.). After a while, all of your "effects" or grandiose plans and promises with no real follow-through (that you make so that you will feel better about yourself) will ring hollow and you will discover that you are not really heart-connected with your children at all. Instead, you just created a shallow family life that is like a wholesome-looking Hollywood movie set-it looks great for the camera, and has the appearance of the real thing, but upon closer inspection it is only a facade. Your goal must simply be to genuinely love them from the heart with what is real for their good and building up and not for anything you might get out of it. Remember, "love. does not seek its own" (1 Cor. 13:5). If real love is flowing, plenty of wonderful experiences will naturally follow along without you trying to make them happen or inflating things to non-reality by making simple experiences and plans out to be more than what they really are.

Also remember that just because something comes from our heart, and we feel vulnerable or "out there" with it, or there is emotion attached to it, etc., this doesn't mean that it is inherently holy or of the Lord. Be discerning. Does it lead to life or death, joy or heaviness, building up or tearing down? And if it is a matter of truth, is it given "in love"? Truth without love kills, and is worthless and "nothing" (Eph. 4:15; 1 Cor. 8:1, 13:2). "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it may give grace to those who hear" (Eph. 4:29). This leads to the next point.

Humble yourself when you are wrong
I cannot emphasize this enough. If you want a to guarantee that rebellion has a place in your children's future, then just proudly go on with life when you have done something wrong to, with, or in front of your children. If you have wronged them in some way, then humble yourself, call it what it is, and ask their forgiveness. We parent in weakness, and we do make mistakes, and from time to time we really blow it. Children can actually forgive a lot more than we think they can. Parents can rationalize that saying something about their mistakes or their sins (committed to, with, or in front of their children) will somehow damage them more by bringing attention to it. There may be exceptions, but most often the very opposite is true. For parents to pretend like everything in their family life is okay when it's not, or to be nice later to try to smooth-over their offense without ever actually apologizing or saying anything, will encourage rebellion to flourish in your children.

Hypocrisy, prideful avoidance, and pretending in parents is intolerable and repulsive. And how do you think you can effectively train and discipline your children with regard to virtually any area of right and wrong when you have no moral authority or integrity yourself? Children can typically handle humility and apologies when they have been wronged quite well, and, if anything, it will cause them to respect you and want to keep their heart with yours all the more-because you are honest and safe and trustworthy. And in mentioning hypocrisy, it goes without saying that parents feed rebellion in their children when they live one way at home and another way when around everyone else, particularly the Lord's people.

In training and discipline, work with your child's heart and not just their outward behavior
Help your children to always see the "why" behind their actions instead of just focusing on the actions themselves. When they have disobeyed, lead them in finding and acknowledging where they departed from what you have led in and made known (your will for them) and, thus, where they left having their heart with yours. Aid them in identifying what or who they wanted more at the time they disconnected from you, and help them see the danger and lifelessness of their choice. Over time, this will equip and train them to be much more attune to what is going on inside of them so that they themselves can more keenly recognizing rebellion in the "acorn" stage of temptation and deal with it accordingly before it ever germinates into sin and begins permeating their heart with hardness and death.

I cannot emphasize enough just how critically important this is. Maranatha and I have met and counseled countless people, both parents and young adults, who are experiencing trouble, strained/deteriorating relationships, heartache, and devastation in the home and yet are greatly hindered in their ability to deal with the root causes in order to get to healing and restoration because they do not know how to look deeper than the surface and see what is going on in their heart. They live very shallow-not usually the shallow variety we would associate with being pretentious and fake, but more often a shallowness that is present when life is viewed as being all about practical, utilitarian function. Those caught in this can look great on the outside, accomplishing much and keeping a very orderly and well-run home, but it is void of life, joy, and heart.

We have watched many, many folks who fit this description get that "Wow, this is a foreign concept-deer in the headlights" look on their face when we would begin asking them questions and probing deeper in order to help them identify their motives and the inner workings of their own heart that drive their (and their children's) outward actions. Tragically, for many, these are uncharted waters and undiscovered territory. While we may not be able to ultimately know everything in our heart or fully see ourselves objectively without help from outside of ourselves, we nevertheless are called to be aware of our heart as we go through daily life and to watch over what comes up in it.

 

Unfortunately, a lot of parents like this, sincere in their efforts as they may be, wake up one day and realize that they do not even really know their children because they used up the training years they had with them simply managing their outward behavior and never got in on a heart level with them in order to truly share life, love, and inner discipline/training. If this is how you focus your parenting, you need to know that it relegates you to relating with your children in the realm of law. And this usually goes hand-in-glove with parental shortsightedness that seeks well-behaved children now (a goal that is usually rooted in what others think of them and their children), but fails to train their hearts in discernment about their motives, choosing life over sin, knowing and being fully known by their parents, and abiding in their love, in preparation for a long-term life of walking and interactively relating with God. On the other side of this are the children who, by the time they are older and become young-adults, feel frustrated, alone, and largely hopeless because they do not feel known or understood by their parents or that there is any welcome inroad to connect and talk with them on a heart level. They ever know the right and appropriate thing to do outwardly, but inwardly life is hollow and empty. This is a fertile environment for rebellion to take hold.

 

Because so many Christian homeschooling families are more leavened with the principle-approach to life (living by law) than they are with relating the Lord personally by walking by the Spirit, being led by Him, abiding in His love, and living "on every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God" (Gal. 5:16-25, Rom. 8:1-14, Matt. 4:4, John 14-16, et al.), they carry over this mechanical, outward-focused, impersonal way of relating into how they parent and live life with their children. Likewise, because of a number of prominent influences that teach a style of parenting that is all about behavior training in a way that largely bypasses dealing with and training the heart, you have parents who have raised very outwardly obedient children that, when they become young adults, want to go a very different way than the way in which dad & mom raised them. It doesn't have to be this way.

What is God's example of parenting? What did He Himself model? We see it vividly displayed in the way He, the Father, interacted with His Son. Jesus repeatedly acknowledged that He did "nothing on his own initiative" but "only" did or spoke those things He saw the Father doing or saying (John 5:19, 30; 6:38; 8:26-28, 38; 14:10). This obviously denotes that the Father was active in His relationship with His Son. He led Him. He showed Him what to do, what to speak, etc. And the Son kept His heart with His Father, watched for His leadings, moved with Him in what He was doing and saying, etc. Jesus also expressly said that He intimately knew His Father and His Father intimately knew Him, and that they abided together in a love that brought great joy (Matt. 11:27, John 15:9-11). And then, in this "so great a salvation" that we have received, we have been given the Holy Spirit so that we may relate to and walk with the Father and the Son in the very same way-that's what John 14-16 is all about (read all three chapters in their entirety again and again!)!

Now if this is how we are called to walk with the Lord in this life (and we know that "the spiritual is not first, but the natural; then the spiritual," 1 Cor. 15:46), THEN WHY WOULD WE CHOOSE TO "TRAIN UP" OUR NATURAL CHILDREN IN A WAY THAT IS NOT OF THE SAME ESSENCE AND QUALITY AS WHAT GOD THE FATHER WILL DO WITH THEM WHEN THEY ONE DAY BECOME HIS SPIRITUAL CHILDREN? To train and discipline just the outward behavior and not the inner workings of the heart is a monumental mistake in parenting that will launch your children into adulthood ill-equipped and with a poor foundation for life in God, and cause you grief and regret for a lifetime. Do you want to train up children to be good "raw material" for becoming disciples of Jesus while having a lot of meaningful and joyful relating in the process, or do you want to raise another generation of Pharisees who "are like white-washed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside are full of dead men's bones and all uncleanness. [who] outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness" (Matt. 23:25-28)?

When chastening, make sure you break their will
It is imperative that we "win" with our children, and by that, I mean that we must come out of a discipline situation in such a way that our children are truly broken over what they did. In other words, it is essential in how we respond to them that we "get their heart." This is an area that has some ever-changing dimensions to it because children can often factor in enduring our standard disciplines as part of the cost of getting what they want. Therefore, we, as parents, need to be aware of this and seek the Lord for discernment in how to discipline them so as to fully get their heart.

Sometimes it can be very effective to just calmly but abruptly notify them that, because they disobeyed you, they now don't get to do/go/have (fill in the blank with something that really matters to them), and then just as abruptly let that be the end of the conversation and go right back to what you were doing. They will be shocked because they were expecting the standard discipline. And if they persist in the disobedience, or complain about their discipline, or resist you in any way, then calmly make the discipline last for two days, and, if need be, three days, then four, and so on until they break and submit their will to yours and you can tell that you have their heart. You cannot be afraid to "raise the stakes," but it is imperative that you be consistent and unrelenting in your follow-through. You can display much strength by being extremely direct and firm while, at the same time, maintaining a gentle composure (cf. Is. 30:15). But parents who are "all bark but no bite" will get zero respect from their children because they (the children) will rise above them in their heart and actually grow to despise them for their cowardice.

And when you do what is necessary and "win" and break your child or teen's will, I believe that it is of extreme importance that we express our love to them right then and there, or, at the least, very soon thereafter. Think about how it is with us and the Lord. When we sin and are disciplined by Him, there is nothing that melts our hearts quite like our opening up and taking in the love He is pouring out on us right there in the midst of our brokenness. It makes you want to always keep your heart with His and forsake any hint of rebellion. The same can be true with our children if we discipline them faithfully and consistently and remember to deliver our love and embrace to them in their brokenness.

Lastly, if you haven't already done this, I believe you need to have "discipline" in a separate category from "punishment." Some may say that this is just a matter of semantics, but I think there are real differences between the two that need to be respected. We are training our children and helping them overcome their fleshly inclinations toward rebellion, not handing down retribution to criminals. We want them to learn and grow from this ordeal, not feel rejected and torn down. If a parent's attitude is such that they want to punish their children and make sure that they "get theirs" for whatever they did, then I would say that their heart is not right before God in how they are parenting. Discipline them, chasten them, and train them, but don't punish them.

Reward and affirm sincerity
What does this have to do with preempting rebellion? If your children see that you put the premium on what is real and genuine and from a good and honest heart, and that performing, pretense, and game playing is of no value to you whatsoever, then they will naturally want to live with you in a way that is sincere, genuine, honest, and real, because you have made a place for it. This is a very important aspect of maintaining an environment for living heart-connected with your children.

Aim your children, but do not make them prisoners to your expectations
Parents are setting the stage for rebellion to come alive in their children when they project themselves and their own specific preferences and desires onto areas of their children's and teenagers' lives where it is appropriate for them to develop their own tastes and interests and for us to respect them. Such unhealthy parental expectations are oppressive to children, and encourage them to conclude that the only way they can express their own unique individuality is to resist you and push you back until they feel like they have some space to be themselves. This is a recipe for disaster that will destroy their relationship as both parties react to one another in an unending cycle of tension.

We're supposed to be raising our children to prepare them for adulthood and to enter into their own purpose and calling in God. If we can be those who shepherd them through the process and help them discover what God has called them to, they will seek out our counsel and value having us with them in the journey. But if we dictate specifics of what we have decided that we want for them in life, or push them to develop their potential in areas that are of interest to us but are of no real interest to them, etc., then we are the ones tempting and provoking our children to rebellion. These are not matters of teenagers resisting our authority or rejecting our protective covering, they are matters of us, the parents, stifling their appropriate coming forth as young adults.


Because of sin, all parents have to confront various forms rebellion in each of their children. However, much heartache and destruction can be prevented if we can learn to deal with rebellion in our children when it's in its earliest stages. I believe that the notion that all children go through a "rebellious stage" and that this is simply a normal part of life is a worldly lie. Parenting is hard work and bringing children into adulthood certainly has its challenges, but cultivating a family life where love flows and living heart-connected is the norm will largely deny rebellion an environment in which to thrive.

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