Parenting Together in Harmony
by Matthew Chapman
Good parents are always on the watch for input that will aid them in most
effectively "training up their children in the way they should go." When
families get together for fellowship, the conversation inevitably gets
around to parenting and discussing [hopefully in a constructive manner]
areas where they are needing help in specific areas with specific children
or with the family as a whole. Go to any homeschool convention and book
fair and you will hear conversations buzzing all over the room with questions
like, "How do you teach your children this character quality or that subject
matter?" or, "What curriculum do you use?" or, "What does your daily schedule
and routine look like?"
These can be legitimate questions that each couple needs to find the answer
to for their children, and it is certainly valid to get input from those
who are further down the road. But oftentimes the most basic and fundamental
key to effectively raising our children gets either overlooked altogether
or casually assumed by the parents that it is securely in place and doing
just fine. Obviously, the most important thing we parents can ever do
is lead our children to Jesus. But after this, what is this
most basic and fundamental key to effectual parenting
and child training? My #1 answer?
Give your children a good marriage
I believe that the most important
thing that parents can give their children is a good marriage. To have
and maintain one is to impart the single greatest deposit and example
to our children you can ever give. Conversely, to not have one-and thus
to allow the resulting heaviness, tension, disunity, and lack of love
to permeate the atmosphere of the home and make their damaging impressions
upon lives of your children-is probably the single greatest hindrance
you could ever sow into their hearts and minds because the consequences
will cause them troubling difficulty throughout their lives. Each step
along the way-as they put on adulthood, get married, have their own children,
determine their parenting style (which will typically include their reactions
and compensations for the lacks and the pain they experienced growing
up), and continuing on through life-the effect of growing up with their
parent's bad marriage will be a sore spot of "baggage" they will have
to deal with throughout.
Before
going on, because I have made this warning, I want to be quick to offer
hope to those of you reading this who find yourself in some sort of difficult,
problematic marriage, or who, due to bereavement or divorce, may even
may be functioning as a single parent. Our God is truly a Redeemer who
"causes all things to work together for good
to those who love Him and are the called according to His
purpose" (Rom. 8:28). The scriptures, as well as the lives
of His people throughout the ages, are replete with examples of His redemption
and restoration, and how He brought about good through even the most horrible
of situations. The hardest thing is usually our humbling ourselves before
the Lord and then allowing Him to love us in the bottom of our pit, when
we're the epitome of weakness and failure, and offering him our mess in
faith, believing that He actually wants to demonstrate His power and redemption
and faithfulness in our situation.
I can
testify of this from my own experience. Maranatha and I both came from
broken homes and yet the Lord has redeemed, restored, and equipped us
to have a wonderful love-flowing marriage and a rich, joy-filled family
life. In the 17 years we have been married now at the time of this writing,
our relationship has only become richer and deeper, and we have never-not
once-gone to bed angry with one another, yelled at each other, called
each other insulting names, etc. Also, my father-in-law, Maranatha's dad,
was literally sent home by the doctors to die 24 years ago while he was
also, through tragic circumstances, a single parent of four young children.
You can only imagine how hard and heartbreaking a situation this was.
But by the grace of God he is still alive today and all four of his children
very much walk with the Lord and are all married to godly spouses and
have 19 children between them. I vividly remember how, when Maranatha's
father took me "under his wing" to disciple me back when he was still
in the thick of his child training years, I saw firsthand many of the
times he was on his knees crying before the Lord and inviting Him to work
miracles of healing and redemption in his family and the individual lives
of his children. And I have also had the joy of witnessing firsthand the
Lord's answers to those prayers over the years in ways that were indeed
"exceeding abundantly beyond all [he could] ask or think" (Eph. 3:20-21).
So for those of you in troubled or broken marriages, I encourage you to
persevere in making a place for the Lord in your situation and not lose
heart. He is a Redeemer!
So
what are some things we can we do to give our children a good marriage?
First and foremost, do whatever you have to do to keep your love for one
another alive and ever freshly-expressing because this is the very wellspring
from which the relational environment of your entire family life with
your children will flow. When Daddy and Mama are in love, the love just
naturally flows to all the children and, in turn, among everyone in the
whole family. One of the things that I have done throughout our marriage
that has helped Maranatha and I keep our love fresh and alive is that
I have never ceased to "date" her (a reference for something done within
our marriage and not an endorsement for how to get from singleness to
marriage). I seldom allow a week to go by without taking my wife out to
dinner, or out for a coffee drink and a drive, or even just to run to
town and do errands together, just the two of us. Sure, we get our time
together each night at home after the children have all gone to bed, but
it sure does something good in our marriage for me to continue to pursue
her in this way and make for special time for just the two of us together.
Still in love like newlyweds, we cannot wait until the next time we get
to go out.
And
just so you know, I am not advocating that a couple wrongly
try to maintain the lifestyle they had together before
they started having children-you have to embrace and fully
give yourself to the season of life you are in, and when you are in the
season of childbearing and child rearing, that needs to be reflected in
your focus, choices, and perpetual togetherness. But, even so, this does
not preclude the fact that there is still a marriage here between a man
and a woman that needs to be specifically maintained and invested in.
When we have a nursing baby, then they get to go right along on our date
with us. When all of our children were younger and needed a babysitter,
we were blessed to have either godly grandparents or trustworthy saints
to watch our children. Now that we have older children who can take care
of the younger ones, it is all the easier to arrange for our special times.
But my point is that you pursue quality, uninterrupted time together in
which to share your hearts, enjoy one another, and stay current in the
marriage relationship you have that is separate and unique from your life
together with your children. One of these days, the children will all
be grown and married and gone, and you don't want to wake up one day and
wonder who this stranger is you're sharing an empty house with. Instead,
if you have maintained and cultivated a good marriage throughout the years,
that should actually be the beginning a long-term second honeymoon that
you enjoy into the twilight of your life on earth together-with the blessing
of lots of grandchildren to visit!
Though
I have already implied this, I want to take special note of another, more
all-encompassing of life tool that will help maintain a good marriage:
that you and your spouse always make it your aim to stay connected on
a heart level. Life is full of things to do and people to take care of.
There are the gatherings of the saints and the ways we are each called
to serve the Lord's interests and people. There is a father's work that
is needful to provide for his family. There is all the work mothers put
in to nurture the children and take care of the home. And we could go
on and on-and this all only increases as you have more children, as many
of you well know. And at the end of a good, long, full day of following
the Lord, taking care of your children, and work, we are usually ready
to collapse into bed for those few hours of precious sleep before it all
starts over again early the next morning. Well, in the fullness of all
this blessed activity and endeavor to faithfully take care of all these
things, it can be real easy for dad and mom to miss really and genuinely
connecting hearts together. You may feel the camaraderie of faithfully
pursuing these things and you may have connected on a functional level
for taking care of your little flock, but you failed to connect that day
on a heart level with each other. And if one day gets missed, then, subtly,
two days get missed, and then maybe three before you touch hearts in that
way. If this becomes commonplace in your marriage then a week will begin
to slip by before you connect again, and then weeks, and then, before
you know it, you actually become accustomed to living together and yet
disconnected on a heart level. Oh saints, do not let this happen!
Connecting
on a heart-level doesn't "just happen" in the midst of busy daily life-you
have to make it a point to do so, and a priority. Husbands, lead in making
a place each day for your wife to fully share her heart with you and convey
all about what her day was like with all its various blessings and trials,
and how things were with the children and what all she had to deal with,
etc. Make sure you really listen to her and share it with her. If, in
the process, she mentions things that need your leadership or help, take
note of those and come back to them later. In other words, don't jump
in and immediately try to "fix it" (a favorite gear we men like to get
in). Instead, learn to first hear her heart behind
whatever the practical things are she is sharing and meet her there by
giving her your heart. The "fix" is needful, but usually of secondary
importance to her.
Wives,
ask your husband questions about his day, draw out his heart, and make
a place for him to share his heart with you too. Ask him about what the
Lord is currently teaching him. In other words, an open-ended question
for him to share what the Lord is revealing to him currently, not questions
about specific situations that you feel need to get "nailed down" for
you-that can come later. A man who truly seeks to fully follow the Lord
and faithfully lead his wife and family has to make decisions and choices
about all sorts of things all day long. So ladies, if you are wanting
to help him open up and really share his heart with you, you need to know
that trying to pin him down on what he believes is God's will or direction
on a bunch of things pertaining to life and family is not what is going
to get him there. Most men would view this as you asking, perhaps even
demanding, for him to, in essence, do more work. But if you ask him open-ended
questions that would give opportunity for him to simply share his heart
regarding the Lord, or his work, or the blessings and trials of his day,
or what he thinks about this or that, etc.-and he can tell you are genuinely
interested in simply hearing him and being with him-you may discover that
this man of few words gets his heart all greased with love and talks your
ear off.
Every
couple has to learn their "dance" in staying heart-connected, as different
people have differing personalities, needs, and abilities. But do whatever
you have to do to learn to do this each and every day, and do your very
best to not allow a day to go by without truly connecting, even if it
has to be done by telephone due to travel, etc. Your doing this will not
only foster a wonderful, loving marriage, but will, in turn, also provide
a security and warmth in your children that will enable them to flourish,
not to mention a high and holy example of what marriage is to be. Is this
not "the way they should go" in marriage? Your living example will do
more to train and prepare them than any teaching they could hear or written
material they will read.
Parents
staying in harmony regarding the training of your children
My
#2 answer when folks ask me what are the most important elements of effectual
child training is the need for Daddy and Mama to always stay "on the same
page" with respect to what they are doing in their parenting specifically.
Before, I was talking about couples taking care of their relationship
as husband and wife, but now I am talking about them functioning together
in harmony as father and mother. To do this in unison and continue to
do so on an ongoing basis, good communication is absolutely essential.
Fathers, once again it is incumbent upon you to lead. You and your wife
seek the Lord together and find from Him how He would have you to disciple
your children, and then, dads, you lead in going that direction together.
There
are two fronts you need to always consider: the needs and overall direction
for your family as a whole and the needs for each of your children specifically.
Make ample place for you and your "helper suitable" to often talk about
both of these areas. Consider and discuss the needs of each of your children-spiritually,
developmentally, and academically-and discuss them thoroughly and frequently.
Know the condition of your flock. Keep current on the stage each one of
them is in. Know the primary and secondary ways they are needing to grow
and come forth and the accompanying issues they are dealing with. Identify
any/all current attitudes or areas of discipline you need to stay on top
of, etc. Make certain to ask for and listen to your wife's input, as mothers
typically spend much more hands on time with the children on a daily basis
and thus will have invaluable insight to submit to you. And then fathers,
when you two have talked it all through and [hopefully] have found the
Lord's mind on these matters, it is ultimately your call before the Lord
as to how you believe He would have you and your wife lead, train, and
respond to each one.
When
you reach that point, make sure you and your sweet wife have communicated
clearly with one another so that you are of the same mind in what you
are doing and are always presenting a "united front" to your children.
There is nothing more confusing to the children than when Dad is saying
one thing and Mom is saying another and there is contradiction in how
they are each leading, training, and disciplining. Contradictions like
these will also serve to ultimately undercut the children's respect for
the parent who ends up, in their view, "being wrong." Instead, always
make sure, via good communication, that you are both working the same
"game plan," so that regardless of whether it is Daddy or Mama directing,
discipling, or responding to any/all of the children, they are getting
the same consistent message.
But
what do you do when something "slips through the cracks" and you discover
there is a contradiction in how you and your spouse are directing, discipling,
or responding to the children? You must immediately cover the other spouse
and then talk about it later in private. Moms, always honor your husband
by going, in the moment, with whatever Dad said, even if he was the one
who didn't get it right (1 Pet. 3:1-2). Fathers, always honor and cover
your wife by either taking responsibility in the situation for not adequately
communicating with Mother (if she was "wrong") or humbling yourself and
announcing the "change in course" (if she was "right"). And parents, never
question the motives or voice frustration toward the other spouse in front
of the children when one of these things happen. In fact, while we're
on the subject, never undercut, disrespect, or in any way tear down your
spouse in front of your children because this will set in motion all kinds
of destructive forces. Instead, always assume the other to have the best
of intentions and that it was simply an oversight that allowed this thing
to even come about, as this will allow your respect and honor for the
other spouse to always shine through.
But
then what about when you are going along and a situation comes up in which
you and your spouse really do have a disagreement about the overall direction
of the family or how you are parenting your children or a specific child?
If that ever happens, always, ALWAYS work it our privately and never in
front of your children. They never need to see or hear you working through
things like that-it will only breed insecurity in them. They only/always
need to see you united and acting together in harmony.
When
you go behind closed doors to talk about a disagreement, never allow "winning"
or "being right" to be your goal. Instead, let your goal be reestablishing
a oneness of heart. Really listen to the other spouse and consider what
they are saying. Talk together in a humble and gentle tone. Never accuse
one another. Don't allow the conversation to get emotionally charged.
It doesn't have to become a power struggle. What you have is an opportunity
for y'all to win and, ultimately, to bond together more deeply.
I think
it is very healthy for men to understand the women's roles as wife and
mother, and for the women to understand the men's roles as husband and
father. How can we fully appreciate and support our spouse if we are not
really in touch with the responsibility and function they carry in life.
Husbands, take time to often read what the scriptures teach of how a wife
and mother is to walk, and likewise, wives, do the same with regard to
husbands and fathers. You can also purchase various teaching tapes, books,
and articles on the subject if you need to, but make sure you really know
and understand the other's "plight" in life.
Distractions
and hindrances
If
you have found an "amen" in your heart for what has been written so far
and yet a thought comes up along the lines of, "Yes, that sounds wonderful,
but there just aren't enough hours in the day," then I want to close with
a word to you. It was the Lord who made the 24 hour day and created our
bodies to need at least seven hours of sleep per night. And knowing this,
being the wise Creator He is, He is not going to lead us to do more than
we honestly have time for, right? So if we find ourselves regularly coming
up short on time for what really matters, then
this is an indicator that we are giving our time to things the Lord is
not leading in.
Dad
and Mom, I would encourage both of you to honestly evaluate how you use
your time and, together, to ask the Lord to visit your lives with His
pruning shears and show you what needs to go (John 15:1-8). Things like
television, the Internet, video/computer games, sports, and hobbies are
always a good place to begin. Dads, do you spend too much time working?
It's good that you provide for your own and take care of your property,
but doing that alone is not "managing your own household well"
(1 Tim. 3:4-5)-your wife and your children need you!
Most men love to work, and can do so excessively, rationalizing that it
is "for the family" when it is really for them because they love doing
what they do. The life you are choosing now is establishing the testimony
of your life that will stand forever-don't fall into the trap of allowing
the enemy to erode your family while you're off working more than you
should! Mothers, you can be tempted with unnecessary busyness. Do you
find yourself scurrying around town all the time, shopping and carting
the children all over the place to get to their activities? Is doing all
of those things really building up your family and enhancing your togetherness,
or does it give a hollow effect of togetherness when you are really being
scattered?
Parents,
in the scope of parenting and homeschooling your children in "the way
they should go," there is nothing more important than investing in a good
marriage and doing all that it takes for you to parent and disciple your
children together in harmony. You can bring them to excel academically,
and you can even memorize lots of scripture and live a simple, wholesome
lifestyle. But if you miss it in these two areas, what have you really
given them?
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