Husbands, Be Encouraged, and Lead! (Part Two)

by Matthew Chapman

 

In Part One of this article, we considered God's specific and deliberate design for making a husband the head of his wife and home. Drawing from Ephesians 5:22-33 and other such scriptures, we looked at how the Lord has called His people to reflect His eternal purpose, as seen in the Lord Jesus and His pursuit of and relationship with His beloved bride, in their earthly marriages. This is accomplished when we walk in His arrangement for family order rather than the world's mutations or perversions. We then explored the husband's role in this and some of the practical ways this can be lived out.

As we pick up on some more of these themes, let us consider an additional aspect of leading that is of the utmost importance. We husbands need to [learn to] rightly relate to and interact with our precious wife whom we are leading, and do so on a heart level, not merely a surface or superficial one. You can be great at leading your wife in all of the practical affairs of life, but if you fail to pursue her heart and regularly connect with her, you will have missed the most important and valuable aspect of marriage.

Maintaining a heart connection

Each one of us married men are indeed the head of our wife (1 Cor. 11:3), and yes we are called to faithfully lead her as best we can before the Lord, but let's not forget that it is our wife whom we are talking about leading here. Never forget that she is your cherished bride, the one whom you chose above all other women to be your companion throughout this life. I say this because a lot of men have no problem leading, but many of them make the mistake of resorting to a General Patton-style of leadership. They put on their hardened face and issue orders that are to be followed to the letter without any follow-up questions or further discussion, and they are quick to scold their subordinates for anything less than a flawless performance. The same could be said of a number of previously passive men who are now trying to "put on" being the head of their wife and leading her but are unfortunately turning to a fleshly ideal for how to take charge, lead, and feel strong.

Well, men, General Patton is not our role model here, the Lord Jesus is, and how He relates and interacts with His wife is what we are called to reflect in our own marriage (Eph. 5:22-33). He passionately loves His bride, so much so that He laid down His life for her in order to become The Way for her to become betrothed to Him (Eph. 5:25-27, John 14:6, 2 Cor. 11:2). She was "the joy set before Him" for whom He "endured the cross, despising the shame" (Heb. 12:1-3). He lives with her, and thus all of those who compose her, "in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel" and lavishes His grace upon her (1 Pet. 3:7, Heb. 4:14-16, Eph. 1:7-8). He is patient, long-suffering, and kind (2 Pet. 3:14-15, Eph. 2:7). And on and on we could go in adoration and praise in describing how wonderful He is. And all this is true of Him while, at the very same time, He is our Lord and Head who never leaves the truth or plays our foolish or manipulative games. My point is that the Lord leads impeccably, yet He also continually pursues the heart of His bride and expresses His love toward her and it is good for each of us to also do this in like manner with our wife.

Be diligent to connect with your wife on a heart-level every day. Look into her eyes and communicate warmly. From time to time, take her aside and into your arms in the midst of everyday life and tell her how much you love her and appreciate the many things she does for you and the family. And yet while such things are good to do, also bear in mind that women in general, and your wife in particular, typically "connect" differently than we men do. When our wife gives us her attention and affection, we usually feel very met by her and connected, but the same is not always true for her. She needs time, unhurried time, to converse and share with us in such a way that she knows she has been genuinely desired, heard, and understood, and that we have truly given her our heart as well.

I once knew of a brother who really wanted to bless his wife and spend some good quality time with her. So what did he do? He took her to watch him play a round of golf. I still chuckle when I think of this. He had his precious wife all to himself, and I'm sure she cheered him on and told him he was the best golfer in the world. In the end, he probably felt very connected with her, thinking they were like the two parts of a big patch of Velcro that had been pressed together real good, yet I doubt she felt very connected at all at the end of 18 holes of golf.

I think most of us men, if we are honest, can find ourselves in this story. We may not be into golf, but how many times do we bring our wife into something we are really excited about, and we get so busy sharing it with her and enjoying her being with us and interested, that we overlook pursuing her heart? Sure, we had a genuine desire to be with her and connect, that's why we did it in the first place, but we assumed that just because we felt loved and enjoyed that she did too. And she might if we make a place for her heart in the activity too, but otherwise it will primarily be a time of her simply giving to us, which is okay, but it is not the completion of the full circuit of love.

Learn to connect with your wife on a deeper level. Ask her questions that invite her to share her heart. Inquire about her day, situations she encountered, and/or conversations she had with others, and really listen. If she had a particularly difficult and trying day, let her share how hard it was or what she is left to struggle with (but not complain or nag), and let her know you really hear her. Go for understanding her and meeting her heart first, before moving on to problem solving. Beware of the male knack for fixing things. Many times for us, when we're dealing with something, if we can just find the right solution, truth, answer, or remedy, our dilemma dissipates almost immediately and becomes a non-issue. It's over, done with, and resolved, so why talk about it any more? Well, most women do not work that way. So in hearing out your wife let her know you really hear her and understand, and empathize with her. This typically is much more of her primary need, whereas solutions to her problem/dilemma are more often of secondary importance.

As a side note regarding asking your wife questions, whenever you ask her a question that pertains to you, do not get mad at her if she answers honestly and her answer just happens to hurt your feelings-you asked for it! I am not implying that you should avoid asking her questions that may cause you pain, for it is good for us to know and face what she really thinks or feels about us, and deal with it in truth. But I cannot think of a more no-win situation than for a man to ask his wife a question that has to do with how she views him and then get angry with her for answering honestly.

Sharing and connecting hearts is obviously a two-way street. It is good that you pursue your wife's heart, yet it is crucial that you share your own heart with her as well. We men sometimes go to extraordinary lengths to hide just how sensitive and tender we really are, and we are often uncomfortable with trying to verbalize what is going on inside of us. Nevertheless we need to learn to do this with our wife, and do it well and often. And when sharing your heart, if you happen to be communicating about struggles pertaining to weighty matters you carry as a man, make it clear to her you are just wanting her to know so she can comfort and be with you in that moment, but you are in no way dumping off any of your responsibility onto her. Beware of selfishness. Don't allow yourself to become so self-absorbed with her meeting your heart that you neglect to meet hers.

I travel often and thus eat out in restaurants quite a bit, so I have a lot of opportunity to observe people. There is nothing more sad to me than seeing a couple in their 50's or 60's who are sitting together at their table, directly across from one another, sharing a meal and yet they make almost no eye contact and have very little conversation. They mostly look around at what all is going on around them, stare down at their food, and shift their eyes around during the few moments they do talk. Such disconnectedness did not happen overnight. It is the sum of many days of failure to connect hearts due to busy-ness, passivity, and/or hurt, compounded no doubt by wounding words and a resignation to co-exist in marriage but not thrive. Oh brothers, do not let this be your testimony in marriage! The key to flourishing in marriage throughout life is to stay current and connected today.

Affirmation, encouragement, and understanding

As you go through life, do not neglect to affirm those good, godly, precious qualities you see in your wife that are of such great value to you, your family, and the church in your locale. Few things encourage us on like timely affirmation. We sometimes see to do it with the "big" things, but often do not think to in the "little" things, and yet doing it in both circumstances is so very important.

In my own life, I delight to tell Maranatha how much I like a new worship song she wrote or how well she did in ministering to a sister or how beautiful a dress or quilt is that she made or what a wonderful wife and mother I think she is. But there have been times I have tragically overlooked the need to affirm her in the more mundane and seemingly insignificant aspects of life. I remember when we were first married how I would come home and notice how nice and clean and straight our apartment was, but I never thought to say anything about it. In my mind, the house looked great, and this was clearly evident to me and her and anyone else who came in, and so if we all knew it was true then why say anything about it? Why state the obvious?

In time I came around, but let me answer my rhetorical question anyway. Why do we need to affirm the obvious? Because we love our wife and doing so builds her up and encourages her on. It helps bring joy to the "drudgery" in life. It communicates that we see and recognize her investment of heart, time, and energy. Unless we express it to her, she likely cannot tell that our appreciation and admiration is an "obvious" response within us. Remember that hard work without at least periodic encouragement is disheartening and constant correction without affirmation is unbearable. Let her know how pleased you are with her. Cheer her on in her endeavors to acquire skills, complete projects, and manage an ever-growing array of children and ongoing work to keep up with at home. Especially acknowledge the growth and deepening you see in her walk with the Lord.

First Peter 3:7 says, "You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow-heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." The female "earthen vessel" is a bit more physically and emotionally weak than the male "earthen vessel." I say "a bit more" because, according to the scriptures, all of us, both male and female, are "beset with weaknesses" (1 Cor. 1:26-31, 2 Cor. 12:5-10, Heb. 5:1-2). Yet even though our male vessel is stronger than hers, we must never forget that the spiritual person who lives in that female body is just as much a treasure in Jesus as any other child of God (2 Cor. 4:7, Gal. 3:26-29). Treat her with full respect while simultaneously recognizing that she has to deal with the inherent weaknesses of a feminine vessel. Do not despise the needs and weaknesses she has because she is a woman-cherish her instead.

I believe one of the primary applications of this exhortation is to be sensitive when your wife is extra hormonal (ovulating, monthly cycle, pregnancy, nursing). The effect of this varies from woman to woman. Some are only mildly affected. I have known or heard of others who experience rather severe consequences in the way they think or feel when their hormone level increases. So during these times if your wife has, for example, an added "edge" in her tone of voice, or keeps feeling like something is wrong, or has emotionally disproportionate responses to things, just be patient, loving, and reassuring. They may not be as pleasant to be with as they normally are, yet we must love them just as much as at any other time and "live with them in an understanding way." In other words, consider her trial in this and what she is dealing with and do not just think about yourself and how this is affecting you.

What if once or twice a month you got a big dose of testosterone injected straight into your bloodstream? You would no doubt be ultra-aggressive and feel like fist-fighting anyone who crossed you or erupting in anger at the least little thing. And you would probably be anything but gentle, kind, and loving. We could tell you to "get over it," or settle down, or act more spiritual, but as long as this excess testosterone remained in your system, you would have to grapple with its very real effects. And this would be in addition to already dealing with the "normal" ongoing temptations and trials that present themselves each day. So how would you want your wife to relate to you if this were the case? Praise God we men do not have to endure this as an ongoing trial in life! Yet this is the very thing our wife goes through every month for much of her life in relation to the female hormone levels in her body and their effects, whether she wants it to happen or not, so let's be sympathetic to her plight.

I'm not at all suggesting that we make a place for unbridled anger, criticism, complaining, or depression. She is still called to walk according to the Spirit during these times, and the Lord promises that He will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we are able to bear, but will always provide grace and the way of escape that we may be able to endure it (Gal. 5:16-26, 1 Cor. 10:13, Heb. 4:16). Yet we need to "understand" that the temptations for her to go with such things are so strong at these times, and lovingly reassure her that nothing is wrong, encourage her faith, and continue to gently lead her on through life each day. You can also do things like take her and the children out to eat, or lead out in you and your children cooking a meal and cleaning up afterwards, especially when she is cramping badly or hurting. Whatever you do, realize that this is precisely the time she needs you there loving her the most. Don't let her temporary condition get you rattled. Look beyond her weaknesses with understanding, and love your bride and be her strong and secure head. Also, if at all possible, do not bring up major issues to discuss at such times, but wait a few days until her hormone levels have dropped back down to normal.

One last thing in this area: Brothers, be sensitive to your wife's weight, stretch marks, or body changes during pregnancy and nursing. Some men can be so unbelievably rude, insensitive, harsh, and discourteous toward their wife about the way she looks during and after these times. They expect her to pop out those babies and then look like she did on their wedding night within a few days or weeks. [By the way, I wonder how these men would fare if we compared their present physique to pictures of how they looked on their wedding day?] Or instead of a husband looking at the stretch marks on his wife as the precious scars resulting from a huge physical price of love she had to pay to bear his children, some men carry on like she deliberately did something to herself that he may find visually unappealing just to spite him. And men, in case you didn't know, a nursing mother has to carry a little extra weight to make the fat content of her milk good, and milk production burns a good bit of energy that requires more food intake than normal. So watch those comments about, "When are going to shed your pregnancy weight and get back to normal?" or "Don't you think you have had enough to eat?" Some women have an easier time with this than others, but all of them need their husband to "live with them in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman."

Embracing your "boat"

In Part One of this article, I spoke of "the boat" each of us are and have as men. I said:

Picking up on this, because the Lord Jesus Christ is our Head, and we are each, in turn, the head of our own wife and home, we need to walk in such a way that manifests this reality. Now I know I have just stated the obvious, but sometimes men only embrace the aspects of "their boat" that are easy for them to manage or relate to while either passively waiting for someone else to take up the responsibility for the other aspects/areas or avoiding them altogether. Passivity and avoidance never pay good wages. Tragically, the weight of the husband's abdication typically falls on his wife, and when she picks it up and assumes the responsibility to carry it for him, all sorts of unhealthy things come about in their marriage and family.

Brothers, it is your boat. Before the Lord, you are the head and steward of every aspect of your life and family and home. Your wife is your "helper suitable" for you ("help meet" in KJV). The children the two of you have are ultimately, before the Lord, your children. Look around at your property and possessions. It is your home, your land, your lawn & garden, your furniture, your stove in the kitchen, your diaper bag, your children's toys, your pantry, your telephone, etc., etc. All of these precious people and temporal things are a part of your boat, so embrace the truth of this. One exception to this is that you are not the steward of anyone else's will to choose while they are part of your boat. You can be an influence to them, for good or bad, and you can present them with opportunities, but you cannot choose for them.

Now having said this, obviously it would be impossible for you to take "hands on" good care of every one of these people and things. In fact, you should not even try to because God has not called you to do so. This is why He has added to you a beloved "helper suitable," for she is one of His primary provisions of help and assistance that is suitable to you and all the aspects of life on your boat. [The other "primary provision" is the body of Christ, but this is another dynamic that we are not discussing here.] There are many aspects of life on your boat that you can delegate to her in order for her to handle the day to day management, maintenance, logistics, and care for-but ultimately you are responsible for the stewardship of them before the Lord.

In the areas you delegate to her in order for her to help you, provide for her, as best you can, the things she needs to be able to administer it well. For example, if you have given her the area of food and meal planning and preparation to carry, then provide her with the necessary appliances, utensils, dishes, and grocery budget she needs. Give her whatever parameters and preferences and guidelines that fit with how you want it done (but do not make this some oppressive list or heavy burden; "do unto others as you would have them do unto you") and then let her do it. Even though you are her head, in these areas you have delegated to her, you can now love and give to her by playing a support role. Check on how things are going from time to time. Ask her if there is anything she needs. Find out if the budget you have given her is realistically enough for what you have asked her to do, or communicate with her when things are tight and you need her to somehow make it work with only x-amount of dollars this month, etc. At mealtime, go into the kitchen and ask her if there is anything you can do to help, and when necessary, ask her how she would like for you to do it. And by the way, if you have led for some/all of your food to come from your garden or your livestock then don't sit in the shade on the deck with a glass of iced tea and watch your wife and the children out there doing all the work. You get out there and get your hands dirty and see to it that your own means of providing food is under your direct leadership and running smoothly.

Now because you are the head of your wife and of your home, you have certain "trump cards" you can play at any given time, but you only need to exercise these rights when they are truly needed. Never use them as a cloak for selfishness. What do I mean? For example, if your wife became sick or if she were recovering from a childbirth and needed to stay in bed and have minimal activity, then it would be completely appropriate for you to step in and take over "the area of food and meal planning and preparation" until she is able to resume doing it again. On the other hand, if you came to dinner and she had prepared a roast, but you don't particularly care for roast, you do not need to undercut her by making complaining or critical comments about the meal she planned. Nor do you need to tell her to put it all in the refrigerator so that she and the children can eat it for lunch tomorrow (when you will be conveniently away from home) and then take them all out to get pizza or burgers or wherever for dinner instead. Sure, it is your right as the head of the home to do such things, but it would be an expression of selfishness and not one of serving your wife and family in love. If you don't like roast, then tell her a few days later that you prefer her to never buy roast. Or, if you want to treat the family to pizza for the evening meal, then communicate this with your wife so she can plan for it.

Another example could be let's say you come home and your wife is cooking steaks on the grill, and when you were in college, you used to work as a cook at a steakhouse restaurant. You don't need to butt in and say, "Oh no, honey, you're doing it all wrong," and then make a new marinade sauce and bump her away from the grill and take over. If you want to initiate a special meal where you prepare the steaks, go for it, but don't do the other to your wife. These are examples pertaining to food, but you should never take over an area you have delegated to your wife unless it is an extraordinary situation that calls for it. Be blessed by and thankful for the helpful work and contributions of she makes to your home. Today's lunch or supper may not be your favorite, but you can thank the Lord and eat it anyway without grumbling and complaining. Encourage her, thank her, even brag on her a little bit to others and make her blush, and let her know how much you appreciate her walking with you through life.

Earlier I referred to "all sorts of unhealthy things" that can come about in your marriage and family whenever the husband abdicates a role that is his to carry as the head and passively allows his wife to take up the responsibility for it instead. One of the most prevalent examples of this is when the wife is allowed to manage the family's finances. The damage this can have on a marriage as a result of the conflict and contention that will inevitably arise is great. Some men think bringing home the income but letting their wife be the one to pay all the bills, budget, and be the primary one to make financial decisions for the home is somehow a manly and honorable thing to do for them to. Or to put it a little differently, some men think providing the income is the masculine thing to do, whereas paying bills, etc., is the feminine thing. Or, for some, this arrangement is perhaps a way to live out their worldly notion of a "co-equal partnership." Men, the family finances are your "ball to carry"!

Consider the alternative. If you bring home the income but your wife "carries the checkbook," manages the money, and pays all the bills, she is going to try and do the best job of this as she can. But this now puts her in the position of having to continually monitor the "bottom-line." This requires her to become the financial regulator, the one who determines whether it's "feast or famine" and when you have financial room for extras or need to "tighten the belt." As the financial head of the home, she has to say yes or no to her husband concerning purchases, lead and instruct him in spending habits, call him into account for expenditures, plan for how to retire debt, etc., and the husband must passively (and usually resentfully) follow.

In the process, she also feels the stresses of knowing how tight things are and bears the burden for shuffling things around to make sure all the ends meet. Then, when you want to do something or purchase something unplanned for, she feels the responsibility to be the one to tell you whether or not you can do it. And if she says you are financially unable to do it at this time and you decide to go ahead and do it anyway, she then feels the pressure to be faithful to let you know how foolish and irresponsible she thinks you are being. Or if she decides to silently "submit" to your spending whim and then the checks begin to bounce and you financially "crash and burn," you blame her for mismanagement.

All along the way down this path are those continual arguments over determining what can be afforded and spending money that creates ongoing patterns of tearing each other down. This is inherent in the setup because the husband is required to follow his wife, which makes him feel emasculated, and yet when he wants something bad enough he is going to override her and do it anyway. The wife, on the other hand, is leading her husband, which, even if she is a feminist and thinks there is nothing wrong in doing so, will nevertheless undercut her respect of him. And she feels disrespected every time he challenges or overrides her. Aside from all of this, there is the issue of the acquisition and burden of debt, and having to deal with the creditors if you fall behind and determining which one of you is to blame for that. Then there is the whole element of how this affects the children. They see mom and dad locked into ongoing strife, and get raised with a bad example of what married life is as well as a perverted picture of the family order that the Lord Himself arranged (Eph. 5:22-33). This is a short synopsis of the pitfalls of just this one example, but I could go on and on.

Men, you are the financial head of your home (except perhaps in an unusual situation where something like health disabilities are a factor). Financially, the weight of whether or not you sail or sink should rest solely between you and the Lord. Your wife should never have to bear the stress of managing the family's finances. It is one thing for you to ask your "helper suitable" to write out a few checks for the designated amounts for these certain bills and put them in the mail as a means of simply helping you carry out a practical tasks for that specific time. Or to manage the grocery budget you give her. But it is an entirely different matter to abdicate one of your roles as head and have her carry the primary financial responsibility for your family. Few things can damage a marriage as quickly as this because a family is, among many other things, an independent financial entity, and who conducts the financial of it cuts right to the heart of the issues of who is the practical head of the home. Brothers, you carry the finances, you bear the weight, you endure the stress, and you seek the Lord and relate to Him in how He wants to provide for you and your family and how He would have you use what He provides. As a side note, I say to you young men who may be reading this that if you cannot afford a "stay at home" wife who will nurture your children and care for your home, then you have no business getting married.

Supporting your wife in making a claim to godliness

Husbands, do you want your wife to be able to make a claim to godliness? I'm sure most of you do. Well, if she is to grow in godliness then there are two qualities that need to be found in her life.

According to this scripture, in order for your wife (and your daughters for that matter) to be able to make a "claim to godliness," she needs to physically and literally dress herself "modestly and discreetly" and to have a life that is adorned with "good works." Regarding "good works," much could be said, but suffice it to say that these are "the righteous acts of the saints" that all those who compose the bride of Christ are to be clothed with. (Rev. 19:8) These are those actions and deeds that are an expression of the Holy Spirit living in and through us and are a fragrance of the life of God that we have been made partakers of. They are not flesh merely doing the right things. For women of God, or godly women, these include "good works" that specifically pertain to them allowing the Lord's life to flow through a feminine vessel (cf. Eph. 5:22-24, 2 Tim. 5:9-10, 1 Pet. 3:1-6, et al.). Some may argue that these are the most important things and all the other about how a woman outwardly dresses is secondary. Yet Paul, by the Holy Spirit, says that a woman claiming godliness must possess both.

We most definitely want to encourage our wife, as well as all of our brothers and sisters in Christ, "to love and good deeds"-to "lay up treasure in heaven" and acquire "wedding clothes" for eternity (Matt. 6:19-21, Luke 12:32-34, Heb. 10:24, Rev. 19:8). This is an ongoing need we all have in the running of our race in God, and we all run better when our heart is encouraged. Yet I want to specifically address the other aspect of a woman's claim to godliness-how she dresses herself-as it relates to how we husbands lead, walk with, and support them.

First, let's cover the definitions. What does it mean for a woman to adorn herself "modestly and discreetly" with "proper clothing"? Isn't it interesting that Paul did not present a specific dress code here, and describe types of clothing, patterns, styles, hemlines, necklines, and the like? Instead, the Holy Spirit through Paul gave two descriptors-modest and discreet-of what a woman's clothing is to be. "Modestly" means that the "proper clothing" is to be simple and inexpensive, not exorbitant, fancy, and flashy in the sense that it draws a lot of attention to the one wearing it. "Discreetly" means that the "proper clothing" is to conceal what is underneath so that it is not obvious. If you were being discreet in what you were saying to someone in the presence of children or others, you would be communicating in a way that conveys your basic message but without giving specific or graphic details. In like manner, a godly woman is to dress herself in a way that covers her body yet conceals all the specific and graphic details of her form.

Interestingly, I have observed that many Christians typically confuse these terms and refer to a woman being "immodest" when what they are really referring to is her being "indiscreet" (i.e., very revealing of one's body, not concealed, out on open display for all to see). Because of this confusion in the terms Paul gives us here by the Holy Spirit, many Christians focus only on the "discreetly" aspect of "proper clothing" and miss/neglect the truth of the "modestly" aspect.

If your wife (and daughters) desires to make a claim to godliness then she must deal with this matter as well as adorn herself with good works. It needs to come from a heart of recognizing what fits and cooperates with expressing life in Jesus through a feminine vessel and an eagerness to follow Him in this, and not from a heart of resentfully or begrudgingly fulfilling an outward "law" because "you should." Remember, this is a New Covenant commandment given to us through Paul that is fitting with grace and life in Jesus; it is not a statute pulled from the Law of Moses. And, men, they need your leadership, encouragement, and support. It is essential. Thus you need to seek the Lord together for what "proper clothing" is and for how He would have her to express "modestly and discreetly" in her manner of dress.

You may be thinking, "Now wait a minute, this is a woman's issue, why should I be involved?" Yes, it may be something that specifically relates to how she dresses, but both of you need to have the heart of it, and the husband's role in this is pivotal. If your wife is recognizing the Lord's leading in this, but you are resistant or indifferent, then this creates a very difficult situation. Some men, Christian men, hold to the worldly notion that it is good to "show off" their wife. Brothers, this is not good. Your wife's body is for you and you alone, and it doesn't need to be openly displayed and shown to the rest of us. Learn to cherish the God-given exclusiveness of this.

Where do you begin? Some couples have an easier time with this one than others. Some find this extremely difficult because they have both been thoroughly ingrained with the world's standards for what is pretty and acceptable, and they are accustomed to her being fashionable and trendy and showing off her figure. But we all have to begin wherever we are when we come to the Lord, so what do you do first? You seek the Lord! Lay down any resistance and present yourselves to Him as children who are ready to follow Him regardless of the cost or what He says. Die to your preferences to the point that you will be glad to follow Him regardless of what He shows you. If you are born of Him then you have His Holy Spirit living in you and He will lead you and give His witness to the truth. Listen and follow Him with all your hearts.

But let me tell you what not to do. You do not want to find the "least common denominator" and begin working off of it in order to avoid making real or significant changes. Let me explain. You and your wife could go to the local mall on a Saturday afternoon, especially in the warmer seasons of the year, and find a lot of young gals and women who are dressed very immodestly and indiscreetly. I call them "the Philistines." They roam around wearing full attack gear, and are out to smite and be smitten. Many of these are beyond indiscreet and are obscenely dressed. So now you could go and observe these women, and then look at what your wife wears, and begin rationalizing that because what she wears is not as bad as what the Philistines wear, then she must be being modest and discreet. Brothers, working off of the Philistines' standard of dress is not our starting place, the Lord Himself is. Do not be afraid of manifesting that you belong to Jesus and are not a part of this world.

I remember when Maranatha and I began exploring this matter more deeply. I was visiting with a brother whose wife, as well as the other women among those whom he was affiliated with, dressed in a manner most would consider to be very modest and discreet, and we were talking very openly about this whole issue. As politely as I could, I asked him how he dealt with them being so awfully plain and unattractive, and he said something I will never forget. He said, "Brother, your eyes will change." And he was absolutely right! As Maranatha and I have followed the Lord in this, He has indeed changed our eyes and reshaped our perception of beauty. Interestingly, what I used to think was pretty I now find unattractive and even offensive, and what I used to think was unattractive I now find beautiful. This transformation has come through a process of listening and following the Lord each step of the way and allowing Him to sanctify and renew our hearts and minds and lives, not immediately reacting and buying into someone else's predefined dress code. We are nowhere near where we started in this journey, and I doubt that we have reached the end. The Lord still, from time to time, points out things He would have us change, or sensitizes us to matters of modesty or discretion we were previously unaware of.

Having created this context, let me bring this back to us husbands. When our wife is responding to the Lord and making changes in the way she dresses or carries herself as a woman, and sometimes these changes can be significant, it is crucial that she gets our full support. There will be times she feels ugly or stupid because she is not used to doing what the Lord has led in, and we need to reassure her of just how beautiful she is, and is becoming, to us. When she is making a change of some sort, never laugh at her or make fun of what she is doing differently, but rather always affirm her and encourage her on. And you be listening to the Lord too because He will speak to you about things in this area when a change is needed, or will use you to confirm what He is speaking to your wife. I have approached Maranatha a number of times and shared that I sensed the Lord would have her do this differently or no longer wear these types of garments, etc. She has been greatly blessed by my being with her in this area, and she experiences my full support in her doing all of those things that allow for a claim to godliness to be made.


In closing, so much more could be said about the ways we need to lead our wife and practically carry out our role as head. We have not even touched on matters surrounding our covering and protecting our wife in relation to dealing with the world and others outside the home or leading her with regard to parenting issues, to name a few. Perhaps we can look at these another time. The primary purpose of this article is to give some godly encouragement and exhortation to husbands to walk in the Lord's way, because there is so little encouragement out there. The world's leaven is so prevalent, feminism seems to have affected most everyone, the hostility toward Christian men leading their wife and children is very real, and our little vapor of life is passing by so quickly. May the Lord use these words to help you overcome the obstacles you face, be encouraged, and lead your wife in love.

 

 

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