Husbands, Be Encouraged, and Lead! (Part One)

by Matthew Chapman

 

 

Men, let me ask you a question: Did you have parents who walked with the Lord Jesus while you were growing up? I'm not asking if they were merely faithful religious institution attendees, nor am I asking if they sang in the choir, taught Sunday School, gave tithes to their denominational expression, served on a "church committee," etc. Nor am I asking if your parents were of the sort who "loved the Lord in their own special way," but never spoke of Him. I'm asking if you had parents whose life was consumed with knowing and following the Person of the Lord Jesus with all of their hearts, and all other pursuits were secondary (i.e., "hated" in comparison, Luke 14:25-35). Did their life and words and manner and actions express the life of God and the fragrance of Christ?

If you are like most of the men whom I've posed this question to, including myself, the answer is unfortunately, "No." Having made this point, we need to embrace what the Holy Spirit communicated through Peter:

Did you notice Peter's sensitive and diplomatic reference to "your futile way of life inherited from your forefathers," referring to what [most of] our parents imparted to us? Ultimately, it doesn't matter where our parents land on the scale from good, honest, and nice, to bad, dishonest, and mean-spirited, if they have passed on a heritage to us that is void of life in Jesus and the kingdom of God, the Lord says it is a "futile way of life." With respect to God's eternal purpose, such ways of life are vain, useless, hopeless, inept, ineffective, and worthless.

The reason I point this out is because, to whatever degree, the "futile way of life" most of us have inherited has now become the default gear that has been ingrained in our flesh, and thus our brain and human understanding, for how we should "do life." In other words, there are many aspects of life, especially ones we are not even aware of, where we live according to basic assumptions our parents instilled, and allowed to be instilled, in us. These form the basis for our perceptions of how the world works and thus what the "logical," "sensible," "natural," and/or "obvious" lifestyle choices are that we should make as a result. Though we may add our own "flavor" to this futile way of life, due to our unique personality, the time in which we live, the issues we are confronted with, and the sowing and reaping we experience, we nevertheless pass it on in its essence to the next generation. The only way out of this inescapable reality, or at least to begin turning the tide on it, is actively living life in Jesus.

What are some examples of these futile "basic assumptions" that, generally speaking, have been inherited by many of us? To view the sending of your children to government schools as normative and "that's just what you do." Telling your children lies about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, and the like because you, your relatives, and society at large, think it's cute to watch them believe and act upon these deceptions. Thinking that dating (experimental romance) is the only way people can move from singleness to marriage in our day and time. Assuming that whatever comes from Walt Disney is wholesome. Believing that teenage rebellion is a natural stage of growing up and becoming an adult. Assuming that division among the Lord's people and the denominationalization of Christianity is a normal aspect of life in the kingdom of God. These are just a few [American] examples of this futile way of life we inherited from our forefathers that immediately come to mind. Consequently, the Lord wants to redeem and sanctify the hearts and minds and lives of those of us who are born of His Spirit so that we can walk in a way that expresses more and more of the life of Christ that resides within us. Consequently, we have an opportunity to pass on more of a godly heritage to our children than was passed on to us, and less of a futile one.

I would like to focus on one particular aspect of the "futile way of life" that has been handed down to most of us men, and that is specifically how we view ourselves as men and the very real effects this has on us as husbands. In the process, I would also like to offer some real encouragement for how we can overcome these effects and go forward in walking in the Lord's way.

The scriptures make it very clear that earthly marriages among the Lord's people are to be/become a reflection and a testimony of the greater reality of the Lord Jesus and His bride.

In gleaning from this passage and exercising the most basic spiritual discernment, a number of things are quite clear. Our Bridegroom is not a "hen-pecked" Lord. He did not lay down His life for an eternal "co-equal partnership." He is not a passive, abdicating Lord who is either led by His wife or prodded along by her to provide leadership that she will contend with as soon as He finally gives it. And He is certainly not a haughty, self-absorbed, and/or abusive husband who treats His wife like a dog and a doormat. Yet tragically, these are some of the very qualities displayed in many marriages among the Lord's people today. Such marriages do not rightly reflect what is true in the kingdom of God, and thus exhibit a perversion of the very eternal purpose He is bringing to completion and fulfillment. Instead, they are evidences that the husband and/or wife, to whatever extent, do not truly understand and embrace the Lord and His ways with His church, for if they really did, they would more likely be reflecting them. This lack/void in so many marriages is primarily the result of the "futile way of life" most of us have inherited-a way that has been shaped by the influences of the spirit of this age and feminism.

Regarding our receiving all the blessings and benefits of being a part of New Jerusalem inhabited God Himself as our eternal potion, the Lord Jesus made it clear, "He who overcomes shall inherit these things" (Rev. 21:1-7). And with this relationship between overcoming and inheriting in view, Paul warned that, among other ways men can be, "the effeminate.shall not inherit the kingdom of God" (1 Cor. 6:9-10, cf. Gal. 5:21). Isn't it interesting that part of our overcoming as men has to do with rightly relating to and expressing our gender? Aside from the obvious effeminate manner of some men, particularly those ensnared in homosexuality, I think this also means that heterosexual men are not to be feminized. Specifically, our identity and function in the home, the church, and the world is not to be determined by feministic ideals and the political & cultural "correctness" of our day as determined by an unbelieving world. We are instead to "act like men, be strong," and "possess [our] vessel in sanctification and honor" (1 Cor. 16:13 , 1 Thes. 4:1-8). This doesn't mean we need to put on some fleshly male-machoism, stick out our chest, talk in a deep gruff voice, go around flexing our muscles, and expect our wife and the saints and everyone else to think we are someone exceptional to be reckoned with. It means we are to live and express ourselves as men by walking humbly in the God-ordained role He has for us and "let all that [we] do be done in love" (1 Cor. 16:14).

Beginning with the truth

Is all the talk about a man being the head of his wife and of his home a bunch of outdated, archaic, cultural, and flawed male-chauvinist rhetoric and idealism, or is this something that has its origin in God? Men, if we are going to walk in the Lord's way of life rather than the futile one we inherited from our forefathers, we need to know and be certain of the answer to this question! In Genesis 1:26-27, we read:

It is important to carefully note that it was the man-not the woman, but the man-who was created in the image and likeness of God. By His own design, the way the Lord made the man is a physical reflection or expression of the spiritual essence of what He Himself is like. And, as Genesis 2 expounds in more detail, the Lord first made the man and then at a later time created the woman from what He had taken from the man's side (i.e., "male and female He created them," see Gen. 2 and 1 Tim. 2:13). Suffice it to say that the inherent order and emphasis in how the Lord created Adam and Eve is a type or prophetic picture of the "last Adam," the Lord Jesus, and the bride whose life originates from what the Father took from His side (1 Cor. 15:45-46, John 19:34-35, 1 John 5:6-13). This brings us back full-circle to what Paul was talking about in the Ephesians 5:22-33 passage quoted earlier. But the main point here is that it is the man who was created in the image of God, not the woman.

I know full well how offensive this sounds to 21st century ears, but if we are going to walk with the Lord we must embrace what He Himself did and His own assessment of it. If you are still not fully convinced, I will cite yet another of the more popular scriptures of our day:

Now why am I going to such great lengths to make this point (and remember I am talking to us men)? Because the prerequisite for our walking in God's way is that we must unashamedly believe the truth about the arrangement He Himself has set in place. We men, we Christian men, are to be a reflection of the Lord's own image and glory. And part of His image, as pertains to how He relates to His wife, is that He is the Leader, not the follower. He is the Correspondee, not the corresponder. He is the Head over His bride, the church, not a "co-equal partner." He is the stronger vessel in this relationship, not the weaker one (cf. 1 Pet. 3:7). He is the Seed, not the soil. And for that matter, He is the Sower of the good seed, not the soil who receives it (Matt. 13:36-39).

If we are to walk in the Lord's way, then of necessity we must reflect His likeness in how we relate to our wife and family, and do so as He does, "full of grace and truth" and love (John 1:14, 1 John 5:16). At the same time, our wife is hopefully seeking to relate to us in an honoring and submissive way that reflects how the bride of Christ, the wife of the Lamb, relates to Him. Married couples, walking in this way by the Spirit of God, not only have good marriages that work and abide in an environment of love, but are a reflection of the very eternal purpose of God. If you are thinking, "Well, we tried that, and it doesn't work. It is a miserable existence," then I would say to you that you never really walked in the Lord's way, you just thought you did or were pretending. Or perhaps somewhere along the way, one or both of you departed, and sin caused your marriage to break down and your heart to harden. The Lord's way is life, abundant life!

So men, what is the truth about your role with respect to your wife?

"The man is the head of a woman," referring to his wife! It doesn't say that he should try to be the head of his wife. It doesn't say that he will one day be the head of his wife. It doesn't say that he is only the head of his wife when she will let him or when she cooperates and does her part. It doesn't say he must convince his wife this is true in order for it to become true. It says the man is the head of a woman-period. As with everything else that is true in God, our part it to believe the truth and allow our faith to be expressed in how we live and walk and choose.

So many men engage in needless power struggles with their wife. The issue of who is head of the home is already a settled one. God declared the reality of the matter long before we ever came along. Will we walk in what is already true in Him? It doesn't matter if your wife a is godly woman or a card-carrying member of the radical feminist National Organization of Women (NOW) who spits on these scriptures and resists your every lead-though we'll sure pray for you and your marriage if she's the latter-you are her head. Lead her in love. Call and invite her to join with you. As much as you can, learn to love her like the Lord Jesus loves His church, and let this love grow and be deepened. But do not waffle or abdicate or in any way allow yourself to be moved off of the truth of your role as her head and the head of the home.

Futile foundations and discovering your "boat"
Many Christian men today are led about through life by their wife. They correspond to her vision and leadership, they allow themselves to be run by her fear or disapproval, and they let her "wear the pants in the family" because they are intimidated by her. This should come as no surprise when considering the typical foundation of so many marriages. To try to convey what I mean, let's look at a fictitious, yet all too real, story. A guy named, say, John sees a girl he likes whose name we will say is Jane (you know, the future Doe family!). Heavily infatuated John goes into pursuit gear and charms Jane in every conceivable way. They begin dating, and John "falls in love," which typically means he fell into the idolatry of another person, in this case, Jane. Thus Jane becomes the center of John's life. (By the way, I'm only looking at "John's"-the man's-side of this).

John may be a shrewd businessman or a fierce competitor, but when he is with Jane, he is malleable putty, desiring to do only what will please and make her happy, and he avoids conflicts and disagreements at all costs. From the first date, John is ready to correspond: "Where would you like to go eat? I don't care, you just tell me-whatever you want. Italian? Mexican? American? Chinese? I don't care, you decide. Just whatever will make you happy. 'Your wish is my command.' And after that we can do anything, anything you want. Just tell me and we'll do it." His misguided attempt within this faulty context is to simply please her and ultimately win her heart. But such interaction and decision-making subtly becomes a foundation that carries over into their conversations on where their relationship is going, wedding plans (big time!), housing, career(s), finances, parenting, and on and on. It's not that Jane's input or preferences are invalid or should never be considered, it is that he has made her the center of his life (personal source) and thus the one who has the final say in most matters.

I am no believer in working through numerous temporary experimental romances (dating) as the means of moving from singleness to marriage, so I am not implying doing so as a standard in the previous example. But I am pointing out that this general scenario, or some variation of it, is unfortunately the basic "futile way of life" most men, Christian men included, have "inherited" from their parents. These same parents [unwittingly] also allowed this futile way of life to be strongly reinforced by the peer-dominated settings they allowed them to spend large quantities of time in. And so John and Jane establish a foundation that gets carried into their marriage-a foundation that does not reflect God's eternal purpose and His pursuit of His bride, but rather one that is inherently flawed, worldly, and conflicting with how we are called to walk in Him. There are few things that are more difficult and painful than having to change a foundation, for before a new one be laid, whatever was built upon the bad/flawed one must come down and then it must be jack-hammered apart. By the Lord's mercy and grace, He redeems what He can of the previous house, and uses it in building the new one, but many times very little is salvageable. This is where many of you men may find yourselves now. Take heart, our Lord is a Redeemer and a Restorer.

So if the way "John" related to "Jane" is an example of how a man should not conduct himself when forming a foundation for marriage with his wife to be, then how should he relate to her? I am not talking so much about the merits of betrothal or courtship, per se, but rather how a man is to "be" as a man when approaching marriage. A man needs to know that, before the Lord, he and his life is like a boat. He has his hands on the steering wheel and he gets to choose where his boat goes. If he is a man of God, his inner-compass and course and bearing are set upon the Lord Himself, and His will and kingdom. This heading includes life-long or long-term callings, seasonal focuses, and short-term specifics, as well as following and having daily interaction with the Lord in the matters of everyday life. He is seeking first the kingdom-the whole domain-of God and His righteousness (Matt. 6:33), and the Lord adds to him whomever and whatever He will. If the Lord adds to him a wife, she is to join with him on his boat and become his invaluable "helper suitable." They are not two barges that are now going to be linked together, with two steering wheels, two rudders, and two captains. She is a daughter whom the Lord has called to join with this man in his boat, and correspond to him in his course and journey in God. If the Lord adds children, they too are part of the man's boat, and he is their head also. Don't get me wrong, he can be head-over-heels in love with her, yet he is fully convinced in how the Lord would have him walk as a man before Him.

Some people get a little spooked by talk about signs in the sun, moon, and stars, and the perversions of this have certainly been a playground for occult and new age practice and belief, nevertheless, the scriptures state:

My point in bringing this up is that God's relational order can even be seen in how He created the sun and planets and moons and stars. Our God, who is a "consuming fire" (Heb. 12:29), is like the sun. He is the center, the immovable One, and all of life is to orbit around Him. We men/husbands/fathers who are seeking the Lord and endeavoring to walk in His way by the Holy Spirit are like the planets set in their proper and unique orbit. And our wife is like the moon that orbits around her planet (husband) while simultaneously orbiting with him around the sun (God). To use 1 Peter 3 language, she is of the "holy women.who hope in God" and yet adorned themselves in submission to their husbands, "calling him lord" (vv. 1-6). Even the patriarch Jacob recognized a similar "sign" of family order in the heavens (Gen. 37:9-10).

Another such "sign" is the "woman" in Revelation 12, whom I believe is a type of New Jerusalem, the bride of Christ (Rev. 12:1). She is "clothed with the sun" (i.e., reflects and radiates the light and life and love of the Bridegroom, the Lord Jesus) and has "the moon under her feet" (i.e., stands and walks as a submissive corresponding wife/mother; cf. Rev. 12:17 w/Gal. 4:26-31). There is much here that can make for some rich and fascinating Bible study, but the main point I'm underlining here is that the scriptures clearly teach that the man is the head of his wife and the one whom she is to correspond to. This arrangement has its origin in God Himself, and we men need to believe the truth and walk in it.

My wife and I have an ongoing "sweetie debate" over who has the harder job. I cannot imagine being a woman and having to submit to a man (like me!) who, even though he may love the Lord and have a good heart, is nevertheless thoroughly "beset with weaknesses" (2 Cor. 12:5-10; Heb. 4:15, 5:1-3). She cannot imagine being the one who is accountable before the Lord to lead a wife and family. I think it is good and healthy that we each have a certain respect and, to some extent, sympathy for the other's role. Loving your wife and considering her "plight" of having to submit to you will help keep you focused on how imperative it is for you to lead her well. The following are some things that can help us in being a good leader and head for our wife.

The best leaders are good followers!

Let me ask you men a question: How often do you need the Lord's direction and leading? If you are like most men of God, your answer is "all the time!" Well if this is the need you feel in relation to the one who is your Head, the Lord Jesus, then don't despise your wife for feeling the same way in relation to her head-you (1 Cor. 11:3). And how often does the church need the Lord's direction and leading? All the time, right? Well guess what? Our wife, remember, is [hopefully] reflecting in her relating to us those qualities that the bride of Christ displays in relating to the Lord Jesus (Eph. 5:22-33). She genuinely desires to correspond to you, and is ready to submit and follow your leading, but she needs to know what exactly to correspond and submit to. Don't get upset with her for having this legitimate need! Be a good "correspondee." Give her a "train" to get on-a place to join with you in what you are doing, where you are going, and/or whatever is happening on your "boat."

The best leaders are good followers, and the best shepherds are also, themselves, good sheep. What do I mean by this? Lead your wife and family as you yourself are following the Lord! If you are humble and have a heart that continually seeks and follows the Lord to the best of your discernment in whatever He leads in, you will, in turn, know exactly how to lead your wife and children. If you are being a good sheep and are joyfully continuing in the Great Shepherd's oversight and care, you will, in turn, know exactly how to tend to the precious little flock the Lord has made you a shepherd over. Whenever you have uncertainties and doubts, and for most of us that is usually often, humble yourself and wait upon the Lord. As you abide in His grace and receive His leading, turn around and take charge and lead your family in like manner with what He gives you.

Men, it is not a sin for us to be the dominate figure in our home, in fact, it is wholly appropriate-remember it is our boat and they are added to us, and we are the one with our hands upon the steering wheel. However, it is imperative that we walk according to the Spirit and not according to the flesh. The Lord commands our wife to "be submissive" to us, even if we are being "disobedient to the word" (1 Pet. 3:1-6). Let me ask you, is that the kind of marriage you would like to be stuck in if you were a wife? I didn't think so. Well then let's be diligent to humbly seek the Lord and be obedient to "every word that proceeds out of His mouth" (Matt. 4:4) and hopefully not ever put our wife in that position.

Jesus said, "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me" (John 10:27). Brothers, the Lord has given us the equipment we need to hear and discern His voice, let us not neglect to use it and act upon what we hear Him say. Don't bluff your way through life or be one who chooses by default (i.e., decides not to decide) and passively let's life happen. Those will not pay you good wages at all, and the Lord has not called us to walk in such a way. He has called you to actively follow Him and lead your wife and family daily.

"The Lord willing."

It would be good at this point to talk a little bit about what, specifically, it means to lead. It doesn't mean you have to have all of life mapped out and decided upon-at 9am we will do this, at 9:15am we will do this, at 9:37am we will do this; for lunch we will eat X,Y & Z, etc.-though there are loads of wives who would love it if they could extract such specifics from their husbands. Does the Lord lead us this way? Seldom ever, if at all. He may direct us to something He is wanting us to work on over the next few days, and to some specific things He wants us to accomplish today, and to certain things we need to tend to along the way, and He may bring in some unanticipated [by us] variables in the process of it all. In fact, the Lord Jesus said that those who are born of the Spirit of God and are led by Him are like the wind-we may not necessarily know where He is coming from in leading us the way He is or where exactly His leading will ultimately take us (John 3:6-8). Our part is simply to flow with Him in childlike trust, and He is always faithful to communicate with us His heart and mind and will at the appropriate times. Such is life in the Lord.

Well, if we are to love our wife like the Lord Jesus does His church, then in the area of leading we need to do the same for her. As we discern the Lord's will and leading, it is usually good that we share this with our wife so she can know what is on our heart and join with us in following Him. As our "helper suitable" and a "fellow heir of the grace of life" (Gen. 2:18, 1 Cor. 11:9, 1 Pet. 3:7), she may also contribute valuable insights, input, discernment, practical suggestions, etc. Ultimately, though, you must consider all these things and lead out with your plan for whatever the situation is. And as you do, you need to keep it all in the "Lord willing" category.

Men, don't fall into the trap of deciding and declaring what you will do at any given time in the future, for it is evil and arrogant to do so. The Lord wants us to fully embrace and live in the reality that we do not know what the future holds or if we will even live beyond the breath that presently is in our lungs. We men typically stumble in this because we feel weak, and we get tired of feeling that way, and we so want to look and feel like we're strong, especially for our wife. Thus we begin issuing declarations about the future and rattling off decisions about all sorts of things in order to feel strong and avoid our underlying weaknesses. We would do well to humble ourselves instead, embrace our weaknesses, draw on the Lord's grace, and lead our wife with a "Lord willing plan." His strength will then flow through us (and He will get the thanksgiving and glory!).

We must hold our "Lord willing plans" or pursuits loosely in our hand and often encourage our wife to do the same, knowing that the Lord may take us farther or shorter in it than our preconceived ideas allow for. He might also have some of those wonderful "divine interruptions" or "divine appointments" along the way, or there may be aspects of His leading that we cannot see clearly (or at all) until we get a little further down the path, etc. These are facts of life in the Lord that we need to always allow room for in our hearts. However, we can still lead with what we know at any given time. If your wife is the type that takes what you lead in and then quickly decides all sorts of things about what this must mean for every facet of life, then you will need to train her to walk with you at your pace and not make assumptions.

What if you miss it? What if you are wrong in leading out with something you thought was the Lord's will, but it clearly turned out not to be? Humble yourself, confess it to the Lord, admit to your wife that you were wrong, apologize and ask forgiveness of whom it is appropriate to do so, and then persevere in faith and continue leading. Men, if your wife tastes of a humble heart in you, and that you will readily admit when you are wrong, she will typically follow you to the ends of the earth. Our fear is that admitting our mistakes to her will cause her to trust us less, when the exact opposite is typically true. Our humility makes her job so much easier. But if we are proud, and we twist and "spin" the truth about our mistakes so as to try to make ourselves look good, it makes it all the more difficult for her to subsequently trust and submit. Why? Because we are manifesting that our heart is set on our own selfish interests and not those of the Lord and His kingdom and our family. A self-absorbed, self-protecting, self-exalting man does not have a very safe and trustworthy "boat" for a wife to have to journey on.

Brothers, learn from your mistakes and proceed with soberness, yet with peace and joy in your inner man. If you place upon yourself the standard that you must be 100% right and flawless about everything you lead in, you will become overwhelmed with immense pressure when trying to make even the simplest of decisions and feel condemned and defeated when you do miss the mark. Remember, His yoke is easy and His load is light, and we are called to continually enter and abide in His rest (Matt. 11:25-30, Heb. 3-4). If you go a few steps out and recognize that the Lord isn't in what you are doing, then stop and wait upon Him for clarity and fresh guidance. If your heart is to walk with Him and be a faithful husband and father, He will lead you.

One last thing, never use "the Lord willing" as a tool to be slippery and squirm out of having to say no. To say "the Lord willing" about something is to say that you are in fact proceeding that way, but He holds the outcome and we'll see what happens as the situation plays out. But to utter a high-sounding "the Lord willing" just to make your wife or someone else feel like you are genuinely considering a possibility they prefer when you already know it is not an option, you are lying and playing a game and using "the Lord willing" as a smokescreen. Have integrity about your words. If you want your wife to trust you, be trustworthy. If you want your wife to have an easier time respecting you (she's commanded to even if you are not-Eph. 5:33), then be respectable. Wouldn't you rather her to have her heart with yours because she genuinely respects you than for her to choose to respect you purely as an act of obedience to God?

Calling her heart
What do you do if your wife is [initially] fearful and resistant to something you are leading in? Call her to join with you. "Sweetheart, I really understand how this may be scary and difficult, and I could be mistaken, but I honestly feel before the Lord that this is what He would have us do. Will you join with me in faith?" Brothers, be gentle and yet firm. Invite her to share and walk with you through whatever it is you're leading in, but do not do so in apologetic tones. We should never apologize for whatever we discern the Lord's will to be, for that implies there is something wrong or bad is happening that should be apologized for. In other words, say something like, "Honey, I sure would prefer to have you at my side walking with me through this than for you to be distant and detached and unsupportive. Will you lay your issues down and really be with me?" But never say something like, "I'm sorry I'm having to lead out with this, and I know how upset you must be, but please walk with me through this anyway, will you?" This implies that her being okay with your leading out with what you believe to be the Lord's will is the central issue, and you're even sorry yourself that it has to be this way. This appeals to her flesh, invites contention (because remember, you're apologizing for this wrong you [and God] are perpetrating), and is of no value in calling her heart to join with you in faith. This leads us to the next point.

The notion that a husband must have his wife's approval or that they must be in agreement before he can proceed with what he discerns the Lord is leading in is a lie that has circulated among the Lord's people for some time now. Of course want our wife "on our train" with us-not just in standing there bodily yet resenting being there, but being there with all her heart-in love, support, trust, and faith in God. There are few things more draining and disheartening to a man than for his wife to not be with him in her heart. If you lead out with what you believe is the Lord, and she resists and refuses to join with you, and it is time to move and act, then you must go forward without her.

This is a grievous thing to have to do, and hopefully it is something you will seldom, if ever, have to do in your marriage, but you must be immovable and unapologetic when it comes to following the will of God. Forgive her in your heart from the outset, but proceed forward if it is time to act, even if she is not with you in it. This allows her to feel the disconnectedness and separation, the fruit of her choices, and hopefully she will quickly turn. When she does, readily embrace her without any "I told you so's," and take her on out to where you are. Remember, she is your cherished bride, not your enemy, so continue in love even if she has given herself over to her propensity to fear for a time. Also, remember she is learning to walk in godly submission imperfectly, just as you are no doubt making mistakes in learning to lead as a godly head.

I know what I have just said is extremely controversial and offensive to some of you, but it is what the Lord taught as confirmed by the scriptures. The Lord Jesus said, "If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own. wife. he cannot be My disciple" (Luke 14:26). We all know the teaching here: The Lord is not calling us to literally "hate" our wife (or any of the others referred to in that passage), for the same Lord called us to love her like He loves His church and laid down His life for her, but we are to so love Him that our love for her and everyone else pales in comparison. But such situations with our wife is where "the rubber meets the road" as pertains to the practical outworking of this scripture. We are not to repeat the mistake Adam made, who chose to leave the Lord and act against His will so he could feel joined with his wife and not separated from her (1 Tim. 2:11-15, Gen. 3).

We are to instead live with our wife "in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman," and be patient and yet unrelenting on what we discern the Lord's will to be (1 Pet. 3:7). But when it is time to act, we must follow the Lord Jesus even if it means we experience feelings of disconnectedness and separation of heart with our wife for a time. Like I said, hopefully this will never come up, but if it does, you need to be already resolved in how you will respond. This resolve will come through as an unspoken undercurrent in everything you do, and will serve to ultimately make your wife more secure in you as her head as she experiences and comes to know you as a man who will not be moved off of the will of God by her or anyone else.

Brothers, be diligent to be sensitive to the Lord as well as your wife regarding matters of timing and how you communicate with her. You may be completely accurate in discerning the Lord's will, yet communicate it horribly and/or at the wrong time.

These scriptures refer to how we are to relate to the saints, but unless your wife is an unbeliever isn't she a "fellow heir of the grace of life" and a member of the body of Christ too? But if you do happen to be married to an unbeliever, your harsh, condescending, and/or insensitive tones, and ill-timed remarks are certainly not going to help win her over to the Lord. If you are representing the Lord in your leading her in what you believe is His will, and you are acting like an all-around jerk, then why would she want to follow the Lord? Speak to your wife in love and with grace. Let your tone be one of gentleness, which is a fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23). You can be very strong in the Lord and yet be very gentle-"In quietness and trust is your strength" (Is. 30:15, 32:17).

One last thing, if your wife resists your lead, don't allow yourself to feel threatened and then engage in a power struggle with her. Remember, you are the man, you are her head, and this is true in God regardless of how she responds. "Power struggle" is a non-issue. You maintain your leading and just "be," be who you are in the Lord. So many men get intimidated, feel like their wife is trying to overpower them, and react with the fleshly male instinct to fight and win. Thus they crush their wife with their words or even worse so they can feel like they are the one in charge, and the resulting damage sets them back even further from walking together intimately through life. You may have to "speak the truth in love" and confront her (Eph. 4:15, cf. 5:25-30), and the truth may hurt her flesh for a bit, but this is a wounding that leads to life, not a mashing or crushing of her heart that devastates (Prov. 27:6).

Beware, a man's leading plus a woman's fear typically equals an angry man, and "the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God" (James 1:20). Persevere in love, remembering that she is a weaker vessel whose propensity is typically to fear, and call, invite, and draw her heart to join with you. She may need to pour out her heart and share her struggle (but by this I do not mean vent anger or bitterness or some other form of venom), and that's okay-it's what we all do with our Bridegroom, isn't it? And He meets our hearts with grace, doesn't He? Well, making a place for her to talk and share will help you better see where to love on her and help her and encourage her faith too.

The Lord willing, in Part Two of this article, subjects such as staying intimately heart-connected with your wife on a daily basis, supporting her in her walk with the Lord and in areas of responsibility you have delegated to her, and covering and protecting her, will be covered.

 

 

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