Encouragement for Fathers (Part Two)

by Matthew Chapman

 

 

As stated in Part One of this article, it is no secret that we live in a day in which society lightly esteems fathers and trivializes their role in families. Today's "pop culture," leavening children through the venues of television, movies, cartoons, story books, music, the Internet, public schools, and various other mediums, encourages independence from parental influence, if not outright rebellion to their authority. At the same time, the influences of feminism have effectively shaped contemporary thinking to view patriarchy-the God-ordained scripture-confirmed practice of fathers being the clearly recognized, honored, and respected head of their family and home-as a tyrannical and oppressive familial structure from the dark ages that is to be utterly shunned along with the backwards few who practice it. Put these and many other factors together, and those of us men who are following the Lord Jesus, and are endeavoring to walk in His way for us as fathers by lovingly leading our families and being the primary influence in our children's lives, have a significant swim upstream.

Generally speaking, only a relative few of us have a godly family life and background to draw from, while most of the rest of us have a void or deficit and are starting from scratch. The result is a scarcity of good, seasoned, Spirit led, role models for young Christian fathers who are starting out to identify with. In addition, many men who are awakening to the Lord's ways for them to lead their wife and children find themselves already well into married life with children. Unhealthy foundations and patterns of relating are well established, and these brothers face a significant tide to turn in the reclaiming of their family life in the Lord. Needless to say, we fathers need to be exhorted to be of good courage and to love and lead our children "in the way they should go," and that is what this article is all about (Prov. 22:6).

Commanding our children

This may, at first, seem like an odd topic for fathers to be encouraged in, but in our day and time it is a very real issue. We have already discussed many aspects of a father leading in Part One, but this is a facet that deserves special attention. Dads, do you regularly command your children in what to do? If you find yourself repulsed by the wording of this question or you think that it sounds "harsh" or "insensitive," then this likely represents an area where you have been feminized by leaven from this world and have some deceptions to root out and overcome.

Society today, driven by the spirit of this age, frowns upon parents, and especially fathers, for commanding their children in what to do. Just to make it clear, what I mean by "commanding" is the act of a parent directing their children to do something, and this directive is clear, non-negotiable, and carries real consequences for disobedience. But nowadays the "politically correct" thing to do is to suggest or ask what you want your children to do followed many times by saying "please"! Thus you hear parents nowadays saying things like, "Johnny, will you come here and stand by Daddy, please?" or "Katelyn, stop hitting your brother, please." And then there is the suggestion follow-up that's sure to make them tremble and comply, "Do what Daddy [or Mommy] says, please." These unrespectable requests parents make, which seldom work for long, are then typically followed by coaxing and bargaining tactics:

"It's time to go now, come with Daddy, please."

"I don't want to," the child declares.

"We'll have more fun if we go."

No response from the child.

"Daddy's leaving now, are you coming with me?"

Still no response.

"We'll get ice cream if we go."

Upon hearing this, the child perks up and finally goes along with what his father wants, albeit with rebellion still fully intact in his heart.

There are several things tragically wrong with these types of scenarios which are often played out not only in family life in the world, but also in the homes of many of the Lord's people. First, there is the father's reluctance and inability to command his children. Why is this? There are several possibilities or combination of possibilities. Perhaps he does not like anyone telling him what to do, so he employs a little "do unto others." with his children. It could be that he is clueless about how to parent and is taking his cues from the world around him and is simply following along and parroting what he sees and hears. It could be that he fears a power struggles with his children so he goes out of his way to not provoke one. Perhaps he was rebellious when he was a child and defied his parents and he knows this is a very real option for his children to choose too, so he tries to stay on their good side, fearing they will react and separate from him in like manner. (Tragically, if he is acting out of fear in this way, he fails to recognize that the separation is already there-he doesn't have his child's heart with his.)

Another thing wrong with the above scenario is the child's lack of respect and submission toward his father. I agree that, ideally, the child should respect and submit to his father simply because he is his father, even if he conducts himself in ways like this that merit little respect. But the greater problem lies in the fact that the child is the one who is in training, and the trainer-the father-is acting in a way that is completely unbecoming. By sheepishly allowing the child to determine what happens (i.e., lead) and not leading and commanding as he should, he is undermining any respect the child has for him and is, in essence, training his child to relate to him as a pathetic lightweight authority who can be easily intimidated and manipulated.

Fathers, if you find yourself somewhere in this picture and yet you are trying to convince yourself that you are "training up your children in the way they should go," then for you and your children's sake, allow me to help you see what you are really doing. The mandate is for "fathers" to "bring up their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4). How will your children ever be able to accurately perceive and relate to God, the FATHER, when you are imparting to them a grossly perverted picture of what a father is? Is He not Lord, Master, and King? Does He command His children in what to do, or does He make suggestions and say "please" and coax us along? Is He not the Judge, the One to be reckoned with, who will deal with disobedience in His children (1 Pet. 1:17-19)? Any Christian with half an ounce of honesty, discernment, and basic biblical knowledge knows the answer to these questions.

Look at the foundation for relating to The Father you are giving your children if you do not to command them! You are training them that both giving commands and being commanded are bad things. It should come as no surprise then that when they grow up they will probably either shy away from the Lord because they will perceive Him as mean because He dares to often command His people, or they will join themselves to "another Jesus" who comes through some watered-down, ineffectual, liberalized form of Christianity that holds to "a form of godliness but has denied its power" and is irrelevant to the kingdom of God (2 Cor. 11:2-4, Gal. 1:6-10, 2 Tim. 3:1-5).

Having said this, allow me to also share on some related issues. Obviously, life is not all commanding. There are many times when we truly are asking our children to do things and are giving them choices, and it is very important that we fathers clearly distinguish between the two. When you ask your children something, you need to be genuinely asking. Afford them the freedom to choose, and readily accept and abide by their response, even/especially if it is not what you would have wanted. There is nothing you can do to better validate their ability to make choices (free will), show them respect, and emphasize their responsibility for what they choose and its consequences. But if what you are really wanting is for [one of] your children to do something, then you need to command them.

If you make the mistake of asking [one of] your children to do something when in your heart you really mean it as a command, you either need to immediately clarify to them your real intent and change what you said, or you need to honor it in just the way you said it-a request-and accept their response. Don't play the game where you ask them something, but then they don't respond the way you wanted them to (because you posed it as a request instead of a command), so you begin to coerce them in some way to change their response in order to get them to do whatever it is you have been wanting them to do all along. You are playing a damaging and manipulative game with your children when you do this, and you are invalidating a legitimate choice that you gave them to make. When you need to command your children, then command them. When you need to ask or give them a choice, then ask or give them a choice. But don't ever confuse the two, or do one when you mean the other. And by the way, as a side note, when you are genuinely asking/requesting something of your children, as a matter of respect, I think it is wholly appropriate in these circumstances to say "please" and then to thank them if/when they do it.

Situations will inevitably arise when we ask [one of] our children to do something or give them a choice, and for some reason we feel we must turn right around and override their response or decision. If and when this occurs, we need to immediately evaluate why this happened. Typically it is due to our own shortsightedness and failure to anticipate the ramifications of their response or what they might choose. Perhaps we had to override them for their own good or to protect them from some unforeseen danger. Or maybe it was because we couldn't follow through or deliver on our part. Whatever the reason, this should not happen very often. It has an invalidating effect upon our children and undermines their confidence and ability to make choices. If it does happen frequently, you need to recognize that you have a blind spot, a weakness in perceiving all the consequences of giving them choices, and you need to learn to exercise more forethought before you do it again. You need to ask your wife and others who are closest to you for input. Take advantage of their help. They will probably have valuable insights that will help you locate your blind spot so you can make some necessary changes.

One last thing concerning overriding your children's decisions/choices. If you have a habit of doing this, you may be acting out of fear-fear of them "reaping what they sow." While none of us desire our children's harm from reaping due to bad choices, sowing and reaping is a reality from God that is woven into all of creation. We would all do well to learn it and respect it, and allow our children to so learn it too. This is where a godly home is invaluable. We can give our children choices within the relative safety of family life in Jesus. Whatever they choose, the consequences are still very real and they get to learn, but they don't have to destroy their lives in the process because they are still within our protection. If, however, you are afraid to ever allow them to make substantive choices for fear of them experiencing failure or pain, then you are setting them up for real difficulty when they reach adulthood and there is no relative safety. Do not deny them the experience they need to learn to make good choices now or it will rob them of the wherewithal to do so in adult life later.

The Realm of Discipline

Proverbs 13:24 says, "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently." This is an unambiguous, definitive statement from the scriptures. It clearly lets us know that if we do not employ spanking in the disciplining of our children then we "hate" them-period. Yes, all parents have natural affection for their children and an emotional bond of some sort. Nevertheless, if they refuse to spank and diligently disciple their children, then, according to the word of God, they ultimately hate them because they hold some selfish interest of their own above the ultimate good of their children. This scripture also shows that God Himself validates spanking as one of the means available to parents to train and discipline their children. Spanking and dealing with our children's hearts is the Lord's way and we do not need to be ashamed of it, regardless of what people in the world, who "walk according to the prince of the power of the air," think about it (Eph. 2:1-3). Having said that, we would do well to be mindful of the time in which we live and, like Jesus said, "be wise as serpents and yet harmless as doves" (Matt. 10:16-17).

When spanking, I believe we should always do so in a private setting away from any onlookers, including family members, as a matter of discretion and respect for the child. But when we are away from home, privacy is of even greater importance because of the prevailing spirit in this world that has leavened people with this notion that spanking and child abuse are one and the same. We know they are as different as performing CPR is from Main Event Wrestling, but people in the world operate under a different spirit, so use discernment when deciding where to spank your children when the need arises and you are away from home. It is better for our children that we privately chasten them and get their hearts than to put them through a situation where they see and hear someone who does not follow Jesus accost us for what we are doing. I have found that walking them out to the van and taking care of business there works best.

And speaking of child abuse, never ever spank your children in anger, for you truly can move over into doing something that is unhealthy and improper. Spanking, I believe, is one God-ordained method for bringing immediate consequences to a child for their disobedience for the purpose of training them, not a means to enact punishment or deal out retribution upon them for what they have done. There is a big difference. The scriptures tell us "the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God" (James 1:20). If you are upset because of something one of your children has done, then send them to their room and have them wait for you there while you take some time to settle down, even if they are unaware that they have angered you. Remember, they are the children in training and, as far as obedience issues go, they need to consistently get that disobedience is a no win situation. Therefore, do not allow them to rattle you because it is a victory for them of sorts.

And notice this word "diligently" in Proverbs 16:23. This means we are called to be faithful and consistent day-in and day-out, regardless of how we feel, where we are, etc. Parenting is not an exercise in convenience but an ongoing practice of laying down our life for the benefit and long-term good of our children. Disobedience in our children seems to come up at the most inconvenient of times, so we need to be resolved that we will love them more than we love ourselves and will deal with it every time it comes up, for their sakes, no matter the difficulty or hassle it causes us. Consistency here will train your children that you "say what you mean and mean what you say." It reinforces that your commands are non-negotiable, that they simply need to "trust and obey, for there's no other way," and there are definite consequences for disobedience. Such consistency also reinforces the respect and honor your children [should] have for you because you are a father who acts respectably and honorably.

By the way, be discerning, listening for the Holy Spirit's leading, when disciplining your children. The rod, especially for the younger ones, is typically the primary tool of choice for dealing with disobedience, but this is not the only tool in the parental toolbox. There are also those times when "a discipline" (what we call it in my family; some call it "a consequence") is just as effective in turning and training their hearts.

I remember one night when my oldest two children (I think they were 7 and 9 at the time) were so looking forward to a particular chapter I would be reading to them one night from a book we were reading through. I had instructed them to pick up and put away some toys they had out and to do several other things in order to get ready for bed, and then I would read to them. I emphasized for them to do a good job and not just whip through it because they were wanting to get on to hearing what happened in the story. Well, in the end, in ways I cannot now remember, they disobeyed. They both just knew I was about to give them each a spanking, but I sensed the Lord would have me respond in a different way-I had them both go straight to bed and told them we would not read that night. You would have thought somebody had died the way they grieved and cried, and the more I held them and loved on them, the more they wailed. It was a good but painful lesson that was not soon forgotten. It went so much deeper than a spanking would have-in that situation-and the Lord knew this and so led me. The next day, both children exclaimed how much they would have preferred a spanking than what I gave them.

The point here is our need to listen for the Lord. There are times to spank and there are times to give "a discipline." Be discerning which will effectively get your child's heart. People want to react and go all one way or the other-either spank every time for everything or do not spank at all and only mete out disciplines. Such reactions are not the Lord's way. The Father indeed "scourges every son whom He receives" (Heb. 12:6) and yet He also trains us through "giving us a discipline" by allowing us to reap the consequences of our disobedience, doesn't He? So also He would have us to parent our children, which requires us, as His sons, to actively watch and listen for Him in faith rather than mechanically do the same thing over and over from "a position" we have decided upon. The point is for us to get and train our children's hearts.

I also think it is extremely important to follow-up the use of the rod with tender affection. After I spank one of my children, I almost always hold them for a while while they cry, many times stroking their hair or gently rubbing their back also. Then, when I can tell they have gotten a good cry out, I typically set them on my knee where I can look into their eyes, and I remind them once again why they got the spanking, reaffirm my love, and then encourage them in what TO do from now on. Sometimes, but not always, if I sense there is still some unfinished business or I can tell "there's something there," I ask them if there is anything they want to say or ask. Though sometimes there is nothing, many times there is in fact a relevant question that they need answered or they really want to communicate how grieved they are over their choice(s), etc. These are often rich times of sharing that also serve to deepen the good work that is taking place in their heart at the time.

 

 

Dad being "The Heavy"

This brings us to the whole matter of how you-the father-need to clearly be "the heavy," namely, the one to be reckoned with, in your home. Just as all of life in the kingdom of God revolves around The Father, who is also The Judge (1 Pet. 1:17), so also, in a home where the parents are disciples of Jesus, life should revolve around the life and leadings of the father, as we have already talked about. Applying this now to how we function in the realm of discipline, our children, from the time they are babies, need to be taught through both instruction and experience, that dad is the final authority in the home. Likewise, they need to cultivate a feeling, through experience, that "it is a terrifying thing" to fall into father's hands because of disobedience (cf. Heb. 10:31, 12:1-13). It is not that we terrorize our children or get upset and rant and rave, but rather that they have this feeling because their esteem for us is so high. Their ongoing experience of us is that, with quiet strength, we are consistent and unwavering in our follow-through when it comes to discipline and chastening. Thus they dread getting in trouble because they know beyond doubt that disobedience to daddy carries real and undesirable consequences. This helps them to quite naturally be motivated to obey and be faithful.

But don't stop here. Pursue your children's hearts and keep them with yours. When they disobey, go deeper than merely confronting their outward act of obedience-show then where they erred in their heart. Help them see how this undercuts your trust in them and therefore, instead of you entrusting them with more, you now have to pull them back and monitor them more closely (cf. Luke 16:10-12). Or when they lie, for example, help them see how not only are the things in the previous sentence true, but how they have undercut their own integrity as well. Ask your children if they want you to doubt their word or avoid situations where you have to rely on what they have said. The thought of this is unbearable to them. Talk about them having an incentive to turn their heart!

Our taking full advantage of the opportunities that disciplining affords us can accomplish much, much more than mere behavior modification. They can allow for the knitting of hearts, deeper bonding, intimate knowing of one another, brokenness that leads to genuine repentance and true humility, and hope and vision for the child of where they can abide/live consistently. Yes, our children need to have the "fear of dad," just like we need to have the fear of the Lord and know that we will reap what we sow. But this is merely a deterrent to keep us from choosing evil. The real goods can be found in cultivating our children's hearts to where their desire to please us and walk faithfully in relationship with us is stronger than their desire to merely do the right thing out of self-protection (cf. 1 John 4:16-19). Yes, we have "the back door" covered (certain and sure discipline for disobedience), but let's be faithful as fathers to work "the front door" of their hearts in continually calling them to trust, join with, follow along, and stay close with us.

I believe it is better to hold our children accountable for what we have said, commanded, led in, or made known, than to hold them accountable to a set of rules. This is relational, as it should be. In our life in the Lord, do we not relate to the Father and what He has said, commanded, led in, or made known to us? If we are disobedient, is our disobedience against Him or against a legal code? Do we confess our sin to the Father or to the Law? Obviously, all of life, if you are a follower of Jesus, is tied up in relationship with Him (John 17:3). I think it is therefore appropriate to relate to my children in like manner. It is our responsibility to lead them, command them, and make our heart and mind known to them. If they then disobey, they have to deal with me, the person of their father (or mother), not with rule #103 that they rebelled against.

Such training of heart does more to prepare our children for walking with the Lord than we can imagine. Isn't this how He deals with us? Isn't life with Him and His body about relating together "in Spirit and truth"? Isn't the Father more concerned about our hearts more than our actions? When He gets our hearts turned away from sin, humble, and joined with His, then the fruit, the "righteous acts of the saints," naturally follows (Rev. 19:7-8). Yet He covers our "back door" too, showing us that we will reap what we sow, which serves as a deterrent when we are being tempted and find ourselves wanting to go with a temptation.

Supporting and backing Mom

Now referring to all I have just said in the previous section, your children need to have just as much respect and honor and "fear," if you will, for their mother. The clearest way for them to get this is to clearly see you as the one standing behind her as the ultimate authority in the home. From the time my children were toddlers, I have taught them that their mother is one with me, and that ultimately, however they respond to her is how they are responding to me. If they obey her, they are, in essence, obeying me. If they disobey her, they are disobeying me. If they honor/dishonor her, they are honoring/dishonoring me, etc. And I remind them that this reality continues to be true even when I am away from home. Just because I am not physically present and they are with their mother, they know and understand that they are still ultimately responding to and following me.

This all the more reinforces you, the father, as the ultimate authority, the one to be reckoned with, in your home. It is a support and an upholding of your wife in her functioning as the mother in the home, especially when you are away from home and she is directing, disciplining, and dealing with the children. Just your children knowing that disobeying mama not only has immediate consequences, but that they will have to answer to daddy for it later, will have a very real impact on your children and their respect and honor for their mother, not to mention their behavior.

If there is ever disagreement or disharmony between you and your wife regarding discipline or training issues, never allow your children to see it. Always present to them a united front. Always support her in what she has done/chosen in front of the children. Never correct her or undercut her in front of your children. There are few things that open the door more for children to excel in disobeying and dishonoring their mother than for the father to tell his wife how she is wrong or to negate her in some other way in front of them, especially if he has an angry or condescending attitude with it. This deeply undermines her in their eyes, and even does so with your apparent blessing. Oh brothers, do not wound your wife and harm you marriage and family like this! Such things can happen in mere minutes and take weeks and months to undo the damage.

If you need to make changes in the way you parent or discipline, or in the issues you make with your children, etc., then have these discussions and communicate in private. Become of one mind. Ultimately, this means the mother needs to join with and follow the father, but we fathers would do well to seek out and listen to our wife's input before deciding and leading out in these matters. She will be aware of things you are not and have invaluable insights, even though you must ultimately choose and lead. Remember, she is your "helper suitable" ("help meet" in KJV; Gen. 2:18). Take advantage of this and realize that her "help" can include perspectives on your children and input for making decisions. Also remember that the responsibility is upon you to be the watchman and shepherd for the little flock that is your family-and to communicate with your wife what you see and how you discern you are to proceed together.

Dad's "Omniscience"

The scriptures tell us that, with the Lord, "there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do" (Heb. 4:13). It is good that all of us who are born of the Spirit live with an awareness that the Lord sees and knows everything that goes on with us, for He does. In like manner, it is good for our children to feel the same way in relation to us. We may know that we certainly do not know or see everything, seen and unseen, inward and outward, that goes on with our children, but it is wholly appropriate that we are attentive to the point that they feel like we do. Let them get your "omniscience." Let them grow up knowing that their whole heart and life is seen and shared to the point they really do believe you see and know everything about them.

I will go to my children with things and they are many times amazed. "How did you know, Daddy?" they will often ask. With a serious look or a slight grin, depending on the situation, I usually reply with, "It's my job to know." They have no idea, at least not until they are older, that Daddy has many sources: hearing from the Lord, input from my beloved wife, the eyes and ears of the saints, relatives, an educated guess, putting "two and two together," a "shot in the dark" guess that happens to hit the bull's eye, etc. I seldom divulge my sources. The important thing for them is to know and experience that Daddy (and Mama) see and know virtually everything.

Fathers, what we are really talking about here is basic shepherding. Be a good shepherd. The only way to do this is to DAILY know the condition of your little flock. Do you know, right now, where each of your children are at, what are the primary training/discipline/growth issues they are dealing with, and how they are doing in their heart? If the answer is no to any one of these, you need to find out and then learn to stay current. Nothing can replace good, interactive, daily sharing of life together.

Sheltering our children

Sheltering is always cast in a good light in the scriptures. The Father obviously shelters His children from all sorts of things, and, for our part, we are exhorted to "dwell in the shelter of the Most High" (Ps. 91:1). But the world obviously has a different take on sheltering. They view it as oppressive, suffocating, and wrong. All you homeschoolers reading this have certainly been told that sheltering will lead to improper socialization and irreparable damage to your children. Such nonsense tragically rolls off the lips of parents who blindly hand their children over to other people and institutions for their "education," and allow them to detach from them at an early age, become independent, and be led about through life according to the whims of their peers in conjunction with the trends and corrupting influences of the world. They view sheltering as a rude and insensitive imposition, a parental infringement upon a child's right to have fun, and an obstacle to their pursuit of "freedom" (lawlessness/sin-1 John 3:4).

Well, let the world think what it will. Fathers, we are called to shelter our children from the world and corrupting influences. Our doing this is a light that the ungodly will hate, detest, and even attack-don't be surprised by this (John 3:19-21). Do not allow yourself to be intimidated or to falter because of their disapproval and scorn. How many times have we been talking with other parents and they begin bumping into the "shelter" we have draped around our children, and they take offense. "Why, you are sheltering your children, aren't you!" We then cower to their disdain and their accusation using the dreaded s-word (sheltering), and immediately begin back-pedaling and in essence reply with something along the lines of, "Oh no, we do this and this and this-see we are just as worldly as you are!" Oh brothers, this should not be! Sheltering our children is one of the most important and valuable things we can do for them.

There is a mindset out there that goes something like this.. "Well, they are going to have to see, hear, and deal with the world sooner or later-why not go ahead and allow them to encounter the inevitable anyway? This will challenge them and make them strong. If you keep them shielded from the world too much, then when they are older and finally do have to deal with the world, they are going to get blown away. They'll fall apart because 'Mama and Daddy' aren't there to hold their hand anymore." I would like to address this notion first by using an analogy.

Consider seedlings. Our family likes to garden and we begin growing our tomatoes and peppers and a number of other vegetables from seed early in the year when it is still too cold to plant them in the garden. We get our seedling flats and trays out, put in some good, nutritious, and organic potting soil, and plant our seeds. We have to keep them in a warm, sunlit, controlled environment in order for them to germinate, and then we watch our little plants grow.

The plants are so delicate they must be "babied" quite a bit, even down to spraying them with a fine mist to water them because they cannot yet handle the rain or water from a sprinkler. As the plants grow, we move some of them to somewhat larger plastic pots so their roots can flourish and they can grow even more. When the plants reach a certain size, but before they are ready to transplant into the soil, we go through a process of further preparation that, in gardening, is called "hardening off." This is a period of time when the plants are taken out of their warm controlled environment and placed outside so they can get used to being outside, even more direct sunlight, wind, light precipitation (if any), temperature variations (warm to cold, but not freezing), etc. Yet each night they are brought back in to the safety of the greenhouse.

The day finally comes when the plants are ready and the time is right to transplant them directly into the soil in the garden where they will stay until they have run their course of life and fruitfulness. By this time, the plants have developed the stature, root structure, and the stamina to handle being out in the garden all the time, come rain or shine, storm or late frost. Yes, weather extremes, torrential rains, and blazing sun (at least in Texas) are inevitable realities those plants must face, as are bugs and plant diseases, but for the optimal health and fruitfulness of these types of plants, they must be carefully raised in this way.

Well, our children are like those seedlings. They need to grow up in a safe environment, protected from "the corruption that is in the world by lust" (2 Pet. 1:4). They need to be attentively and carefully nurtured so that they may begin to thrive and grow a good "root system" and become established in the Lord and who they are in Him. As they grow older, yet while still under the direct care of the parents and in training, they can begin to be exposed to certain situations and aspects of the world in a limited way, remaining in relative safety because they are with us. For example, my children are with me as, say, I deal with the repairman who comes to our home, meet unsaved neighbors, work away from home, purchase things we need, or run errands and relate to people in the world in the process. In other words, they get to identify with how I (or their mother) relate to the people and sights and sounds in the world and yet [endeavor to] never leave the Holy Spirit or the truth in the process.

Like I mentioned earlier, we garden together as a family and during certain times of the year we also sell our produce at the local farmers' market. I allow my older children, with their mother or me alongside or within earshot, to interact with customers who come by, telling them about what we grow, how we grow it, what the price is, etc., and then close the sale, take the money, give back change, etc. These are real interactions with and exposures to people in the world, and yet they are carried out in relative safety-I (or their mother) can step in at any time if needed. They get to see that the world really is the world, but they are never subjected to participation in evil.

We also may guide them "into larger pots," meaning, as they are faithful in little, we give them more room to make choices and decisions for their lives, yet they are still with us and under our watchful care (cf. Matt. 25:21). But then, yes, the day inevitably comes when, for example, they marry or our young men begin working in their own businesses, etc., and they have to face the world directly on their own. We are praying and available for counsel, but they are fully choosing for every area of their life. Hopefully they have been brought up in a genuine experience of church life, and their lives have been and continue to be knit together with other saints, living in close proximity with one another and having daily interaction with one another in the Spirit, and they continue to have the Lord's resource of life, encouragement, edification, and fullness-His body (1 Cor. 12-14, Eph. 1:22-23)-to draw from while all of this is going on. If a child is so "trained up," there is no reason why he/she should not go on to be fruitful in the kingdom of God, overcoming with regard to this life, and never departing from the way (Prov. 22:6). Why? Because they were allowed to grow a good "root system" in the Lord (cf. Mark 4:1-20) which is able to sustain them when, as adults, they face the trials of life and the spirit of this age.

Sure, there are all sorts of evil and temptations in the world, but is the answer to throw them out into it at a tender young age (seedling) when they are not even established yet? Oh yes, evil in the world is "reality" all right, but don't they need to be afforded the time to get well rooted in the greater reality-Jesus and His kingdom-before they face such things in full force? Life is full of risks, yes, but recklessness with your children and failing to shelter them while "training them up in the way they should go" is foolish and sinful. We will all be held accountable by the Lord for what we allowed to mold, shape, and influence our children.

As Jesus said, "In the world [we] will have tribulation" (John 16:33), but we are to shelter our children until they are equipped and trained to stand and overcome. Even John, the apostle, wrote, by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, of a necessary progression. There are things we get as "little children," and then as [older] "children." But it is not until one is a "young man" who is "strong in the Lord and the strength of His might" with "the word of God abiding in him" that he "overcomes the evil one" (Eph. 6:10, 1 John 2:12-14).

Holding a child in His lap, Jesus said:

Stumbling blocks are inevitable, but "woe to the man through whom the stumbling block comes!" Fathers, could that "man" be us, and the "stumbling blocks" the things we are allowing into our home and into the hearts and minds of our children? Our children are the most impressionable right now, and whatever influences we are allowing to shape them-be they good or bad, holy or profane, sanctified or worldly-are in fact, right now, molding them into who they are becoming. Dads, we only get one shot at childhood with each of our children and then it is over, and whatever we did or allowed during that time will stand as our testimony forever. We all end up where we have been going, don't we? Are we leading our children with us down "the narrow way that leads to Life" that we ourselves are walking on, or are we leading/allowing them to go down "the broad way (religious or otherwise) that leads to destruction" (Matt. 7:13-14)? He also said, "Wisdom is vindicated by her children" (Matt. 11:19). In time, the truth will be lived out and made manifest.

The above passage I quoted from Matthew 18 tells us that we are to deal decisively with sin, not only as it pertains to our own lives, but also as it pertains to causing "one of these little ones who believe in [Jesus] to stumble." In other words, it is a sober responsibility that we have to shelter our children from those things that might them into sin. Just as Jesus taught us to pray, "Father.lead us not into temptation," and He doesn't, so neither should we with our "little ones." If something is designed to make our children stumble, we are to deal with it decisively and rid the landscape of it so it doesn't cause our "little ones" to fall.

Let's get specific. What do you allow to shape and influence your children? What inroads do the following things have into the hearts and minds of your "little ones"? Scrutinize everything-television, cartoons, movies, videos, radio, music, the Internet, toys, pretending things the Lord would not want them to do in real life, video/computer games, unsupervised interaction with peers or strangers, books, advertisement catalogs with suggestive/pornographic pictures, worldly marketing targeted to incite lust in your children (regardless of medium), etc. The Lord will hold us accountable for all the "stumbling blocks" we allow through these and other such things that cause our "little ones who believe in Him to stumble." Brothers, if there are doors open that shouldn't be, close them! If there are avenues of evil into your home, deal with it decisively! And let us all cry out for discernment and mercy in the process!

Speaking of discernment, use some in evaluating what comes into your home and into your children's eyes and ears. Is it pleasing to Jesus? Does it fit with Philippians 4:8-9? Even if it is not blatantly evil, is it edifying? Do not assume anything. Just because they sell it at the "Christian" bookstore, that doesn't mean it is an issue of the Spirit of Life. Just because Disney made it, that doesn't make it wholesome and good for your family! Quite the contrary. Much of what comes from both of those places, if not all where Disney is concerned, is worthy of the dung heap. Just because something is sanctioned by a government-approved nonprofit religious organization (what is commonly called "a church," or a "para-church" entity), that doesn't mean it has the Lord's approval. These are only a few examples. You are the shepherd, the priest, and the gatekeeper, of your home, and you must use true discernment from the Holy Spirit and act decisively.

One last thing in this "stumbling blocks" category. Fathers, do not undermine your children's capacity for faith and believing in Him who is unseen, by lying to them and deceiving them into believing in things like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth fairy, etc. Aside from the pagan origins of these things, consider what you are doing. Take Santa Claus for example. You are telling them about a guy they cannot see, except for perhaps a paid deceiver down at the mall you can get their picture taken with, who has an omniscient ability to know whether or not every person in the world is "naughty or nice," and who will, based upon this knowledge, supernaturally give everyone materialistic rewards accordingly in the wee hours of December 24th and 25th. The day will come when your children will find out that the whole thing is a well-crafted lie they were deceived and manipulated into believing with because their sincere faith in Santa was "cute."

Now what effect is this going to have upon their hearts and minds with regard to the Real and Holy One whom they cannot see, who really does know all things and "gives to every man according to his deeds"? What do you tell them? "Aw, Santa Claus was just a joke and some good, clean fun. But now remember that everything I've told you about Jesus is true." What kind of witness is this, what kind of testimony of Jesus? You are fooling yourself or naïve if you really think you can wed the world and the Lord and it have no effect.

And by the way, get ready for some real trials and tribulation where the relatives or neighbors or people you encounter in the world are concerned. Especially the relatives. They will accuse you of being legalistic, nit-picking, overprotective, mean, depriving, intolerant, etc., over this very issue (I speak from experience). But you go right on loving and living in the truth and following Jesus, even if it means you have to "pluck out" or "cut off" or at least cut back on time you spend with them. If they will not honor how you are leading your family, then go on your way in peace. We are to obey God and not man, and if we are truly followers of Jesus (disciples-a "full time" occupation with no vacations or holidays away from Him), then in such situations we have to "hate father, mother, sister, brother," aunt, uncle, grandfather, grandmother, cousin, etc. If we forsake our devotion to Jesus and abiding in Him in order to go along with and please the relatives, then we "cannot be [His] disciple" (Luke 14:26).

Another aspect of sheltering is teaching your children how to relate to things in the world that may happen upon us. Again, Jesus said that in the world we will have tribulation, and we do, don't we? What if you are at the grocery store and you see immodestly/obscenely dressed people? What about the magazines staring at you when you are waiting to check out (Maranatha and I sometimes turn all the cover over and upside down!)? What about someone nearby who unexpectedly uses profanity in your hearing? We have to be led of the Spirit of God and use discernment for how the Lord would have us specifically respond to or deal with each of these type of situations, but somewhere in the process it is usually good that we tell our children how we view or feel about those things. We don't need to make it some huge focus on it, or spend a lot of time picking it apart, or come at it with a judgmental self-righteous attitude-those things won't help. But it is good that we humbly and honestly allow our children to identify with us in our response to those things by sharing some simple thoughts with them of how, before the Lord, we see these things.

Obviously there is a lot more to sheltering than what I have just shared, but you get the picture. Let us endeavor to be faithful to the Lord in the stewardship of the children He has given us to nurture and train up. There are enough trials, temptations, hardships, and difficulties in life without our diverting rivers of evil and filth into our homes to make it worse.

In closing, let me say this: All of these encouragements and exhortations come from my heart with a hope that they will help you recognize how the Lord would have you function as a father. We all parent in weakness-tremendous weakness. All of us fathers are less than perfect, to put it nicely. But we have the Lord and His abundant, available grace. We have His Spirit living inside of us from whom we can draw the needed wisdom that is beyond us to parent and shepherd these little lambs. We have a Merciful Lord who is a Redeemer, who can "cause all things to work together for good for those of us who love Him and are the called according to His purpose," even our blunders and failures (Rom. 8:28). Let us look to Him every moment of every day to lead us as fathers, just as we hopefully are doing in every other area of life. Let us draw upon His strength, courage, power, discernment, life, love, and light. He always "gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6). How blessed we are to have a Father who is perfect in every way, and who sees so clearly each step we need to take, and will lead us as we seek Him.

 

 

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