Encouragement for Fathers (Part One)

by Matthew Chapman

 

It is no secret that we live in a day in which society lightly esteems fathers and trivializes their role in families. For example, fathers are typically portrayed in television and movies as bumbling klutzes who are out of touch with their children's needs. Such Hollywood father figures either need to be told by their children what they should do or must act in humiliated exasperation and desperation in sending them to their mother because they do not know how to deal with the seemingly alien life forms who are their own children. In addition, these paternal portrayals get insulted, undercut, and dishonored to their faces, considering this to be a painful but normal part of family life, and are shown to be pitiful lightweights who are good for little more than making the money needed for the wife and children to live their lifestyles. The greater tragedy in this is that real life fathers internalize such garbage as valid examples of how they should be, and thus they proceed to live and speak and act like their fictitious role models. Such is life in the world, and unfortunately among many compromised Christians too (James 4:4-10).

I believe this phenomenon is but one part of a much broader strategy by the kingdom of darkness to keep people cut off from life in the Lord Jesus and the kingdom of God. Their goal is to influence people, especially while they are children, to rise above their parents in their heart, and I am specifically focusing here on them rising above their father. These demonic forces know that how children relate to their earthly father will shape and establish a basis, a beginning point of reference, if you will, for how they will relate to God the Father. If they can successfully undermine and flaw this foundation, they know it will directly serve to skew, pervert, and spoil any real relationship with the Lord that person may ever attempt/hope to have. Thus these principalities and powers engage in relentless concerted efforts to undermine fathers on every conceivable front-such as in the way they view themselves as fathers, in how their wife and children esteem them, in how they function in their fatherly role, and/or in their relationships with their children.

Until this present heaven and earth pass away and the final judgment has taken place, there is nothing we can do to stop the spirit of this age from continuing its onslaughts upon the world (Rev. 20:10-21:5). John said, "We know that we are of God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one" (1 John 5:19). And of course those of us men who are in Christ who are also fathers cannot make anyone, not even our wife and children, view us in any certain way (though how we walk in this life, whether good or bad, will sure have a mighty strong influence!). Each of them must ultimately choose in their own heart before the Lord how they will see and relate to us in terms of who we are. These are some things we cannot do and factors we cannot control.

But I would like to focus on some of the things we can do. We can believe the truth, we can walk according to the Spirit (as opposed to walking according to the flesh, Rom. 8:2-9), we can lead our family, and most importantly, we can love. So doing by the Spirit and grace of God will allow us to abide in His abundant life and impart it to our family and others. These are also some of the ways we overcome the evil one and dispel many of the aforementioned influences of darkness upon our own heart and mind, not to mention the fact that it will go a long way in doing the same for our wife and children. Consequently, the outcome of our faithfulness will likely be them esteeming us highly, relating to us with great respect and honor, and having the desire and trust to follow us as we follow the Lord. I would like to use the balance of these articles to make some applications of these things and hopefully encourage us fathers to so walk in Him.

Recognizing our significance

Fathers, our role in the lives of our children is so very important, so critical, so crucial, and we must believe this. Yet because of the profound influences of feminism upon our culture (which I believe is a "doctrine of demons" because of how it so totally goes against what is true in God, 1 Tim. 4:1) and society's continued reaction to "authoritarian" parenting (though, in all honesty, we have to admit that hardly anyone has parented that way in a long time, at least not in the English speaking world), we fathers can subtly believe the notion that we are of little consequence. And for those of us fathers who are Christians, if we are honest with ourselves and possess some degree of true brokenness before the Lord, we know that we are indeed "beset with weaknesses" and, humanly speaking, in and of ourselves, we're really no big deal (Gal. 6:3, Rom. 7:18, Heb. 5:1-3). Factor these two seemingly related dynamics together-even though, in truth, they are unrelated-and our identity as a Christian father can become confused within us, which will cause our confidence to falter, which will lead to our beginning to really feel like the "bumbling klutz dad of little consequence" I referred to earlier.

We need some clarification and separation of these issues here. First, the "politically correct" social dictates of feminism are lies that have no place in the heart and mind of any true follower of Jesus, male or female. As our sanctifying Lord uncovers any of the tentacles of feminism in your life, I exhort you fathers to completely turn from them (repent), seek the Lord to see what the truth is in Him in that area, and then embrace it with a believing heart. Secondly, there is nothing at all wrong with "authoritarian" parenting if the authorities-you and your wife, and we are particularly focused on us fathers here-are parenting in love. Fathers, you are your children's authority. This is a God-given role He has bestowed upon you, it is part of His arrangement in creation, and there is no crime in unashamedly walking in this reality. If you aren't the authority in your home, then I'm sorry to disturb you, but your house is on fire. More on this later. Thirdly, if the Spirit of God has indeed been working in your life, and you have been losing confidence in your flesh, Amen! Good, healthy brokenness in the Lord has to do with coming to the end of ourselves, finding life in Jesus alone, and learning to look to and draw from Him only as our source as we walk through this life. Brokenness does not equal "bumbling klutz," it equals humble candidate for the Lord's grace and true strength (James 4:6, et al.).

Fathers, who we are inside of our children's hearts and minds is of profound significance. Did you know that the scripture's definition of an "orphan" is a child who is fatherless? This is in no way to undermine or discount the critical importance of mothers and the invaluable deposit they make into our children. It is simply to acknowledge that within a child's heart and mind, their father is like an anchor of security, the taproot of who they are, and a reservoir of assurance and strength. Thus when children lose their father, whether by death or, even worse, by abandonment, there comes into their being an inner element of being adrift. This why throughout the scriptures the Father shows such compassion for orphans/the fatherless, and desires to restore their voids. My point in sharing this is to reinforce just how huge a father is in a child's life and perspective.

I always chuckle with delight when I recall a story from the childhood years of my wife, Maranatha. She and her sisters were trying to describe the Lord to their little brother Andrew, who was around 3 or 4 years old at the time. All four of these children had a deep love and respect for their father, and it showed when one of them explained to Andrew that the Lord is "ten times better than dad!" Andrew was awed. "Wow! Ten times better than DAD?!" Such magnificence was beyond his comprehension. This really made an impression upon him, and for some years after that simple conversation his primary concept of God was that "He's ten times better than dad." Of course, in time, he could clearly see for himself that his dear father is an imperfect man who has his weaknesses and yet loves Jesus with all his heart, and he is not even worthy of comparison with the Lord. And yet as children, the fact that Andrew and his sisters naturally viewed their father as being of such stature (only ten times less than God, I guess we could say!) was wholly appropriate.

I share all of this to underline the reality that, as a father, who we are will make a very significant impression upon them, one that will affect them for the rest of their life. There is no getting around this. Whether present or absent, good or bad, attentive or neglectful, loving or harsh, full of life or death, joyful or heavy, who we are will in itself be a huge deposit within them that will greatly impact their perception of life, themselves, and the Lord. Thus the exhortation: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the fear and disciple of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4). If you live a humble life before them that is passionate for the Lord, unwavering with the truth, gentle, loving, sacrificial, and full of life in the Holy Spirit, this will make an incredible difference in their lives and go a long way in leading them to follow the Lord Jesus themselves, all the days of their life, from their youth. Likewise, if we are harsh, selfish, hypocritical, legalistic, distant, worldly, dishonest, etc., this too will make its lifelong impression upon them, and they will likely view life in the Lord as a sham because it was with you. Either way, they will spend a lifetime dealing with you as a central figure in their life.

Think about your own father. To this day you no doubt still think about things he said and did, or things you wish he had said and done, as well as his example in life, his degree of trustworthiness, and the way he carried himself. Like it or not, he has had a tremendous effect upon your heart and life. Fathers, we need to realize that this very same dynamic is also in play with us and our children too, only now "the shoe is on the other foot." You are now the giant of a figure in their life, and all you say and do is being taken into their heart and mind. Persevere in love, truth, humility, and consistency. Make the most of every opportunity. And be assured that you are making a huge lifelong impact.

Viewing our children
"Children are a gift from the Lord" and a "reward," and those who have "a quiver full" of them are "blessed" (Ps. 127:3-5, 128:1-4). This is the unambiguous, definitive declaration of the Lord through the scriptures. If you do not believe this, or if you can only offer a reluctant, squeamish, obligatory "amen" that is quickly followed with a qualifying "Yeah, but." statement, you are deceived. Somehow, somewhere in your heart, you have chosen to believe the lies that children are really a curse and not a "blessing," a penalty instead of a "reward," and "blessed is the man who has a either a partially-filled quiver or a very small one." Such attitudes in this area are a manifestation that your heart is hardened just like it would be if you rejected of any other aspect of truth in God or rationalized how it is no longer relevant or had "changed" because "things are different now than they were then." The fact that having children and parenting can at times be stressful, inconvenient, difficult, tiring, and costly does not in any way negate the reality that they are gifts and blessings from the Lord. But when your heart is leavened with worldly notions and selfish pursuits and is not tender and corresponding to the Lord and seeing as He sees, you are in a hardened state. If you find yourself in this condition and are not believing the truth in this area, be honest with yourself and with the Lord and cry out to Him in humble repentance and seek Him for a change of heart.

Whatever you believe in your heart regarding this specific matter will get communicated to your children through your life and attitudes toward them. If deep down inside you judge God (the One who inspired these scriptures) as wrong and view your children as an unwanted or little-wanted liabilities and a hindrance to your life, they will get the effect of this being in your heart toward them and will experience the hurt associated with being viewed by you in this way. On the other hand, if you truly believe with the Lord that they are indeed a gift and a blessing, your children will know it because you will treat and handle them as you do everything else you view as a gift or blessing.

Fathers, respect your children as people from the time they are newborns. They are not a step above the pets or cute little objects who require only shallowness. Don't buy into the world's notion that everything pertaining to children must be loud, silly, colorful, exciting, entertaining, and fast-paced. Children have substance too. They are real people with real hearts and minds and souls, they just lack age and experience. How often do they see right through things that are superficial or ask us those penetrating questions? No matter how little or how truly cute they are, take them seriously and treat them with respect.

I am amazed at how many deep conversations Maranatha and I have with our children. One of them will ask a question or bring up something that happened or something they heard someone say, and we will begin talking about it as a family. Issues of life are discussed, perspectives are imparted, hearts are shared, and their capacity for meaningful interaction is enlarged in the process (cf. Deut. 6:4-7). Typically, our children are literally sitting on the edge of their seats and are quite eager to pursue these conversations. I remember one night when we were driving home from a South Texas town and one of these conversations sprang up right as we were leaving the city limits. Nearly three hours later as I was driving into our county, being only 15 minutes from home, I took note of the fact that our discussion was still going strong and those three hours seemed more like 45 minutes! All of our younger children had fallen asleep as expected, but Maranatha and I and our oldest two were all very edified as a result. Such priceless times of interaction with our children and these natural opportunities to disciple them would be missed if we did not respect them as people and take seriously their desire for substantive conversation.

 

Leading your children

How much time do you like to spend with God the Father? As much as possible? I thought so. Me too. The Father has made Himself accessible to us through His Son, Jesus. He has given us Himself, all of who He is ours. Our life is about being with Him-sitting with Him, listening to Him, walking with Him, following Him, learning from Him, resting in Him, corresponding to Him, obeying Him, serving Him, etc. What could be better and more worthy of our heart and time? Well, in a similar way, our children naturally feel the same way toward us. Think about when you get home. They scream, "Daddy's home!!" and they all come running and jumping all over you wanting hugs and kisses, and they all start talking to you at the same time. This sweet noisy chaos is a reflection of what is in their hearts. They eagerly desire to be with you and receive your love and attention.

Fathers, give yourself to them, give them you! Have your children with you all the time, as much as you can, and live your life in God before them (Eph. 6:4, Deut. 6:6-7). When you run errands, take them with you, etc. Walk with your children when you are going places, holding their hands. Whatever you are going to do is not nearly as important as them being with you as you do it. Your children cannot be with you-connected on a heart level and physically alongside-if you are walking 15-20 feet ahead of them telling them to hurry and keep up. If they need to speed up, have them do so with you, at your side. When appropriate, hold your little toddler's hand and let him/her walk along with you, but take your time and go at their pace. Look at your children in their eyes when you talk to them. Hug and hold them often and verbally express your love. Get them snuggled up next to you real good when you read to them. Tell them stories from your own life. Stop and point out things of interest or significance or beauty as you are going about life. Deliver yourself to your children with an open heart, having no walls or resistance, and allow them to really experience having you and being with you "on your train."

But here's the hitch. This must be something you are doing, giving, and leading in because you want to. It has to be a lifestyle that emanates from your heart. If you are merely doing these things to placate your children, satisfy your wife, or do "father-duty" until the minimal requirement is fulfilled and then you can make your getaway, you have missed the boat entirely. Your children will sense you being half-hearted, detached, and shallow, and will get the effect of your wishing you were somewhere else, resenting them, feeling intruded upon by them, etc. If, in your heart, you find yourself wanting to avoid your children or have as much time away from them as possible, this is a very loud indicator that something is amiss in you and in your family. The Lord speaks of "turning the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to the fathers" (Mal. 4:1-6). If you see an ongoing lack of desire or resistance here and need the Holy Spirit to do this work in your heart, humbly cry out to Him and He will. As He does, you will see your love for your children deepening, and you will come to have real joy in having them with you and will delight in giving them you.

Men, you cannot do this if you are never home. If your business or career requires so much of your time that you are seldom with your children, you need to find something else to do. If you make a comfortable living and yet poorly father your children, fail to have their hearts with yours, and ultimately lose them to the world, what good is that? Aside from the pain and loss, you will have not acquired even the basic level of maturity required for serving the Lord's people (1 Tim. 3:4-5, 12). Likewise, if you find yourself having plenty of time to go play sports, work out, ride mountain bikes, fish, hunt, watch television and movies, etc., and yet have little time for your family, you need to repent and see why you are avoiding them and deal with it. Some men will even spend excessive time with the brothers and the saints as a seemingly legitimate cloak for staying away from home or not spending time with their [wife and] children. I'm all for daily fellowship with the saints and gathering together often from house to house-that's how I live. But when there is an ongoing absence of the father in the home to the point of neglect, lack, and "gaping holes" existing in his family, something is terribly wrong. You are playing a game. The Lord is not going to destroy your family in the process of leading His saints in genuine church life.

Along these same lines, let me say this. If you are still trying to somehow maintain your single lifestyle, and/or if you are trying to keep the honeymoon going by often farming out your children to babysitters, you need to get real and embrace the fact that you are in a different season of life. The Lord has given you children; you are a father now and have passed into a different season. You need to let those previous seasons go and fully embrace the one you are in. The single adult season is over. The honeymoon and newlywed season is over. Those may have been wonderful seasons of life, and we can all understand the temptation to try to hang on to them, but it is like trying to grip oil in your fist because those seasons have ended. Grieve it if you need to, but know that it is time for you to move on in life.

If you will stop resisting this change of season and instead welcome it and enjoy it in the Lord, you will find His abundant grace. You will discover that your marriage can continue to thrive and deepen well beyond those wonderful days as newlyweds, and you will finally be able to fully wear the mantle of "father." Yes, things will be different. No more spontaneous dinner dates and trips and staying up late talking and sleeping in the next morning with uninterrupted blissful rest. And it may take some time to discover and redefine what "normal life" is. Yet as with so many of the Lord's ways, having children is loss for gain-great gain. You may lose the enjoyment of the season you had when it was just you and your wife together, and all of your time was devoted to focusing completely on each another. In fact, you may not experience this again until you are much older and your children are all grown and have families of their own. But the blessing you will gain through your children (and then grandchildren!) will transcend what you had when you were childless. So look to the Lord and don't allow yourself to get rattled by the stress inherent in change, and fully give yourself to this season of parenting you are now in.

Being the primary influence
Life in the home is to orbit around the father and is all about corresponding to daddy. Though this is considered to be some sort of oppressive, abusive, politically incorrect blasphemy in the world, you do not need to make any apology for it because this is God's way. It is good and right that you lovingly lead your family as you yourself follow the Lord. It is appropriate that you are the authority in your home, the "heavy," the one to be reckoned with, and the one who stands fully behind the mother when she is parenting while you are not present.

It is also right that you are the dominant figure in your children's lives. Go read the scripture again-the charge from the Lord is to you, the father, to "raise your children in the fear and admonition of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4). Yet you cannot do this if you are handing them over to others to do the job for you. The world will not help you be the primary influence in their lives but rather will constantly be undercutting you in ways that will only serve to segregate, separate, and scatter your family. You cannot "manage your own household well" if you do not have "your own household" fully in your management before the Lord (1 Tim. 3:4-5). If your practice is to hand your children over to the day care centers, the government schools, the private schools, the Sunday schools, the sports teams, the "parent's day out" people, the youth groups, etc., etc., then you can be assured that you are not the dominant influence in your children's lives. You have unfortunately, perhaps unwittingly in ignorance, been an accomplice to undermining your own influence and aiding your children in developing a life that is largely separate from and independent of you, and have relegated yourself to the role of sideline responder [to your children] rather than initiator, leader, and head.

Fathers, I encourage you to do everything you can from the outset not to allow this to happen. This means, for example, that if you single brothers who are reading this cannot afford to have the precious bride whom the Lord will give you as a "helper suitable" stay at home with your children in order to assist you in fulfilling the Lord's mandate for you to "bring up your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord," then you are not ready to get married. If you are already married and are just now seeing this, I strongly encourage you to do whatever it takes to make it so. See to it that your wife is able to be a full-time mother and homemaker, faithfully mothering and playing her vital role in keeping the home life corresponding to your leadership. Make sure you give her your support, guidance, encouragement, and any practical help or tools she needs. And do not neglect to often make a place for her to share her feedback with you. Listen to her perceptions and evaluations regarding the children, as she will naturally have keen insight into where they are at in their growth and development and how things are going in your home.

As for schooling and its place in influencing my children's lives, I obviously believe in home education, but I think it is important to state how I came to this conviction. In being blessed with children, I must also embrace the stewardship and accountability I have before God in how I raise these precious little people whom He has given to me and what I allow to influence and shape their lives. Coupling this with His commandment that I "raise my children in the fear and admonition of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4), I conclude that, first and foremost, I am to use my role as the primary influence in their lives (which includes my sweet wife alongside with me) to disciple my children in the Lord and, secondarily, to educate them well and impart to them the skills they need to function in this world. So inherent in this stewardship is a very real responsibility I have to shelter and protect my children from the world's influences and those who would, intentionally or unintentionally, teach them things that are contrary to "the reverence and instruction of the Lord."

Consider what happens if I place my children in a situation (i.e., school) that leaves them no choice but to be "companions of fools" and trained to follow the lead of their peers regarding how to think, act, and value what is important, appropriate, materially necessary, etc. (Prov. 22:15, Ps. 14:1-3, Prov. 13:20). In doing so, I relegate myself to a responder-role in my children's lives who tries to keep up with all the ways they are changing and being changed apart from their mother and me and help them deal with all that comes at them in their many hours away from home. If placing them in such a setting is what I have chosen and led in for my children, how am I being a good steward of the children whom the Lord has given me? How am I fulfilling His command to me to raise them in the reverence and instruction of Him?

And that is just looking at it from the standpoint of peer-domination. What about the influence of school teachers? At best, they may be Christians who are doing a decent job, but they are still not Maranatha and I, their parents. At worst, they may be ungodly people with an immoral/amoral secular humanist agenda who are filling my children's minds with "doctrines of demons" (1 Tim. 4:1). Most likely, depending on the school, they are somewhere in the middle. But laying aside the teacher's spiritual condition, I have had to look at the larger context of life and ask myself some hard questions. Why do I assume that my choosing to send my children off to school is the "normal" and natural thing to do? Is this assumption supported by the scriptures? Will sending my children off to school work for or against my raising them in the reverence and instruction of the Lord? If it works against this, is there a way to better do it that cooperates with fulfilling my calling? Such questions were important for me to work through because I am the one to whom my children have been stewarded and I am the one accountable to God for who/what I allow to shape their hearts and minds. Consequently, I am also the one who is accountable for allowing the primary role I am commanded to play in my children's lives to be undercut.

So my motivation for homeschooling is not to give my children a superior academic education, though they may get one in the process. My reason for home education being a non-negotiable issue is because it best cooperates with life in the Lord and fulfilling His commandment to me regarding my children. As Maranatha and I follow the Lord Jesus, our children are right there following along with us. They identify with what is most important to us. They see what we value and how we prioritize. They observe how we relate to God's people, meet pressing needs that come up, serve others, etc. They learn our skills and work habits by working right there with us. They learn how to be faithful with what they are given as they witness us being faithful with what we have been given. We share meal times together, moments of discovery, and the lessons of truth in God and sowing & reaping that continually present themselves through real daily experiences, all within the safe context of our life together. This is the very essence of discipling.

I write this to provoke you fathers to think through all the issues and dynamics of you, the father, being the primary influence in your children's lives. I realize as much as anyone that life is not always ideal. Because of this, there are those for whom homeschooling is not an option due to the death of a spouse, health issues, divorce, discord in the home, parental incompetence/inability, or bad foundations that were laid before coming to the Lord Jesus or into greater understanding of His truth and ways. Because of such things, people who genuinely love the Lord have to do the very best they can in the situation they find themselves. Others just see it differently and do not opt to go this way.

We are free to choose, and "to our Master we all stand or fall" (Rom. 14:4). Countless Christian parents who never considered these kinds of cause-and-effects with their children, or who saw them but didn't do what it took to walk in the Lord's way, are now watching brokenheartedly as they have lost their children to the world. Many more young families are in line to follow down this same path, blindly trusting that somehow or other this won't happen to their children. Generally speaking, if the Lord's people and their families who compose His church are ever to regain a testimony that truly brings honor and glory to Him and be "the light of the world" (Matt. 5:14-16), then these matters of embracing His command to us as fathers, being faithful in the stewardship of our children, and being the primary influence in their lives, are going to have to be dealt with by men/fathers throughout the body of Christ. Fulfilling His command to us is going to have to become the new "normal" or our credibility and witness will continue to be soiled and weak.

Continuing on with regard to our being the primary influence in our children's lives, what about this "deep concern" our relatives and total strangers have about the "socialization" of our children? Are we in fact isolating and depriving them of what they "should" be getting by being in an institutional setting with a zillion other children their age? First of all, again, if I choose to allow my children's identity and values to be shaped by people other than me and their mother, I am not faithfully doing what the Lord has charged me to do (Eph. 6:4). I praise God my children are not getting the "socialization" that comes with "being in an institutional setting with a zillion other children their age" who, generally speaking, are foolish, disobedient to authority, rebellious, detached from their parents, dishonoring, independent, worldly, saturated with television and movies and who knows what on the Internet, indulgent in darkness, etc.!

Secondly, you can survey all of life and you will not find a natural context in which everyone is the same age. Such settings are completely unnatural and contrived. Whenever you visit other families, gather together with the saints around the Lord, do business, go to the store, market your produce, or do anything else in life, you are constantly encountering and interacting with people of all different ages. Family life is the ideal God-given context for your children to learn to respectfully relate to those older and younger than they are. But send them off to school and segregate them by age and you have children who "can't relate" to seniors or infants or toddlers, etc. These are just a few of the reasons I believe optimal socialization is clearly found in the context of the home.

And then there is the influence of academic education itself: learning to read with good comprehension, developing writing skills, doing arithmetic, understanding how life works in this creation, gaining a sense of history, and the like. You must determine the what's and how's of this, and I recommend you doing so with your wife's full input. No doubt she will play a very significant role in this, but you must "carry the ball." Do not dump the responsibility onto her and then go pat yourself on the back for leading your family to homeschool. Even if you do not do much, if any, of the actual academic teaching because your days are devoted to working to provide for your family, it is still your responsibility as the father to know what is going on, help guide and direct, supply the necessary materials, help your wife determine and find what curricula and teaching style works best for her, encourage her on, evaluate results, etc. In other words, all that she does needs to ultimately be a reflection of your leadership. Beyond that, I encourage you fathers to read a lot to your children, embellish the stories with your knowledge of the history and issues of the time, and take every opportunity to help them see the connection between what they are learning at the kitchen table and real daily life. When your children ask questions or have a problem, don't just hand them the answer; lead them through the process coming out with what they have learned and putting the pieces together until they arrive at the answer. Direct them where to go for more information (dictionary, reference books, etc.). One of the most important things you can teach your children is how to learn.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of ways to be, and to maintain being, the primary influence in your children's lives, but you get the picture. I am not implying it is wrong for them to learn from others or to have times of appropriate play with friends. My oldest daughter, Lauren, for example, has learned to cross-stitch and needlepoint from her Aunt Micah. Maranatha is quite good at sewing, mending, and quilt making, but cross-stitch and needlepoint has never been her cup of tea, yet her older sister is excellent at it. So from time to time, Lauren will get together with Micah so she can help her get started on a new project or sharpen her skills. There are times when other families or their the children come by to visit or we invite them over and they play together in a supervised environment. And all throughout the week, we get together with other saints in many different ways and contexts-sharing meals, having discussions, exhorting one another, worshipping the Lord, fellowshipping, etc. Obviously the contributions of others in these settings make impressions upon our children. My point is that there are others whom the Lord will use, some even quite profoundly, in the lives of my children besides just their mother and I and their biological siblings. And yet, even so, all of this still takes places within the sphere of their following me as I follow the Lord.

Being their spiritual leader
This is really a continuation of the encouragement for you to be the primary influence in your children's lives, but I thought it best to set this aspect apart and give it special attention. Clearly most all of us want our children to grow up and walk with the Lord. If we fail in this area, none of the rest really matters much, does it? So, fathers, I ask you: Whose responsibility is it to train your children spiritually? A "Sunday School" teacher's? A "youth pastor's"? The television set's with all those "Christian" cartoon videos you have purchased? God forbid. Once again, the charge is to you, the father, to raise your children in the fear and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4). It is for you, with your "helper suitable" wife alongside, to teach your children of the Lord and His love and life and light and kingdom.

If you are truly a disciple of Jesus, and thus your whole entire life is about following Him, then this should not be very hard to do-but beware of your own fears. Now why would I say this? I have observed two basic ways many well-meaning Christian fathers stray because they act out of fear, even though they so desperately want their children to genuinely experience the Lord and walk with Him from their youth. One way is by sharing very little of the Lord with their children because they are afraid that if they do, it will somehow "encourage legalism" or cause their children to become "religious." Dads, I want to encourage you that if your walk with the Lord is real and full of His life, they will have no interest in religion. People naturally have an aversion to death, and if you are not religious it is highly unlikely they will be either. You will not pass on what you yourself do not walk in. Children typically only become religious and legalistic when they feel compelled by their parents to emulate their lifeless lifestyle in the Name of the Lord in order to gain their approval and feel acceptable. If you are truly parenting in the Lord's love and life and one of your children picks up some sort of legalistic religiousness, it should "stick out like a sore thumb" to you. If this should happen, the Lord will give you discernment how to gently "nip it in the bud" and address their real need (they are probably feeling insecure in your love).

The other way I see fathers stray away from appropriate spiritual leadership by acting out of fear is when they require their children to participate in the things of the Lord because they are afraid that if they don't, they are not being a faithful father and the price of their [perceived] disobedience will be their children not walking with the Lord when they get older. Thus they make their children pray, make their children read the Bible, make their children memorize scripture, make their children worship, etc. In other words, participation is not optional, it is required; it is legislated (law) and thus not allowed to either be done or not be done in freedom. Borrowing from the cliché, these parents, out of fear disguised as zeal, really do "cram it down their children's throats." Because of this, hunger, thirst, desire, and want for the Lord never have a chance to arise in their hearts because they are too busy fulfilling all the parental requirements concerning "the Lord." Typically, and tragically, just as the scripture says, "their fears come upon them" (Job 3:25) and their children harden and move away from the Lord.

Fathers, life in the Lord and His kingdom is, of necessity, a life in the context of freedom (John 8:31-36, 2 Cor. 3:17, Gal. 5:1, 13). I understand that we have to "lay down the law" with our children as we are training and disciplining them, and that this "schoolmaster" will help show them their sin and need for a Savior (Gal. 3:22-26). And, yes, I believe that the law of God is "holy and righteous and good," and it is good for our children to have knowledge of it (Rom. 7:12, Ps. 19:7, et al.). But when it comes to your children getting to know the Lord Jesus, laws and requirements are not the way to go.

The scriptures are replete with calls to those who are thirsty and hungry, and whosoever will. Live your life in the Lord before them, and if you yourself are thirsty and hungry and are drinking and eating of Him, as well as exuding His "living water" from your own innermost being (John 7:37-39), your children will long for it too and seek the same Source. In other words, your life in the Lord will be as "salt" and will make them thirsty for Him (Matt. 5:13, Mark 9:50, Luke 14:34-35). If your life is about following Jesus, then this will be on plentiful display before them, but you must afford them the room (freedom) to become hungry and thirsty for the Lord in themselves. Make a place (opportunities) for them to participate, but do not require it or condemn them if they don't. Requirement is the mother of all appetite killers (1 Cor. 15:56).

Now some folks see the folly of this second example of straying and react by backing way off to the point of falling into the first category of folks I mentioned, or vice versa. What I would say is that no matter which way you react, you are still trying to impart life in the Lord to your children upon a foundation of fear. Entrust your children to the Lord and be at peace in your heart. Trust Him, and do not be afraid. Pray fervently for them in private before the Lord, and pray for them in person with discretion and blessing. Live your life in Jesus before them. Read the scriptures to them at your initiation. Use the opportunities of life's situations and their questions to share truth that is in Jesus. Always humble yourself when you are wrong. Worship the Lord unashamedly in front of them. When you pray, ask them if they would like to pray too. If they decline, acknowledge this matter of factly and go right on praying yourself. But if they do choose to pray, and many times they will, you will see and know that their petitions are usually coming straight from their heart to the Lord. Isn't this what you want?

And when doing things like reading the scriptures to them, take the "scenic tour." In other words, don't be bothered by their questions, but make a place for them instead. Their inquiries will open up many opportunities to expound on things or give history or background information that will help them understand and grasp their meaning more fully. Likewise, don't get flustered if/when your answer to their question leads to a conversation about other matters unrelated to the specific scriptures you are reading. Obviously, if it is needless rabbit chasing, then direct them back to what you are focused on and tell them you'll have that conversation with them later. But if it is about matters that are relevant to their hearts and lives, go for it, they are primed and ready. This will do much more to effectively impart real spiritual substance to their lives than you squelching them in order to stay on some tight and timely schedule with your Bible reading.

Another aspect of leading your children spiritually is that you need to be the same person all the time. What do I mean? There should not be a work you, a home you, an out and about you, and a gathering with the saints you. You need to be the same, act the same, and live the same all of the time. If you are not, and you put on different faces with different people, you need to seek the Lord and ask other brothers to help you see why and repent when you find the answer. Your consistency will make a huge impression upon your children and add a weighty integrity to your expression/testimony of life in Jesus. Your children need to see that who you are and how you conduct and carry yourself is the same regardless of whether you are spending time with the Lord's people or getting up first thing in the morning or working in the garden or walking down Aisle 280 at the Walmart Super Center or visiting the relatives or dealing with pain or tragedy, etc. You need to be the same real you all of the time. A father's lack of consistency and choosing to pretend is so distasteful, and nothing fertilizes rebellion like parental hypocrisy, especially where feigning life in the Lord is concerned.

Spiritually, some children are early bloomers, some are late, and most blossom somewhere in-between. Be patient and allow their life in Jesus to come forth naturally. Those times when they do encounter the Lord or pray or experience His presence, etc., rejoice and share it together. For example, when my children have given their lives to Jesus and become born again, I invite all the saints to come together at the big water trough or at a pond or lake to rejoice with us and witness me baptizing them. Or, when my children have been enlightened on some matter of truth and share their insight with me, I listen intently and affirm them. Such times are wonderful. We just make sure our rejoicing has no prod in it that communicates they must "keep it up" or perform in order to please us. Remember that much, if not most all of their childhood is a time for them to be on your train, observing you, experiencing through you, sharing your life in Jesus. The genuine goods will only come about in an environment of freedom. And even though, at times, it may not look like they are getting much, be assured that your consistent and real walk with the Lord is making a sizable deposit in them.


In closing, I hope these exhortations have encouraged you on in your fathering by shedding new light on some of these matters or confirming what the Holy Spirit is already speaking to your heart. The Lord willing, in Part Two of this article, we will be looking at aspects of commanding our children, discipline, sheltering them from the world, and ways to lead/train them from the time that they are little which will lead into how we would have them live when they are older.

 

 

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