Young Children Need To Stay Dependent
by Maranatha Chapman
There
is such a wonderful connectedness we mothers share with our babies when
we are carrying them in pregnancy. We feel all of their kicking and share
their every movement, even their hiccups! We also know that everything
we eat and drink can and does affect our baby. These are just a few aspects
of this amazing dynamic. They are part of us, attached to us, and vitally
need us. Every time my husband, Matthew, snips our newest newborn's umbilical
cord, it always represents to me that child's first step in detaching
and becoming a separate person from me. With all of my children, I have
to continually embrace that they are growing and will not stay little
and totally dependent upon me forever. This is a wonderful reality, yet
often a painful process.
We
never like to see our children make bad choices. We wish we could keep
them close in our arms and never allow anything to harm, hurt, disappoint,
or tempt them. Our motherly instinct is not only strong, it is God-given,
and what our children reap from it is an imperative part of healthy growth
and development. But our culture has somehow convinced us with a notion
that we need to speed up the process and make them independent before
it is time. Young children need to be with their
parents. They need to go with you everywhere,
do what you're doing (or at least be with you while you're doing it),
and not start individuating just yet. The time will inevitably come when
they will leave your nest and start their own, but it is so important
that their foundation is a dependent one.
Why
is this?
First,
the Lord has called us to look to Him alone as our Source in/for everything.
Without Him we are lost and destitute. Many people teach their children
to be so inordinately independent, self-motivated, and self-willed, that
when these folks come to the Lord Jesus they are shocked to hear they
have to lay all of this down in order to truly follow Him (Mark 8:34-38).
Many of these end up with a relationship with the Lord where they only
approach Him with their needs in order to get help
with their life, but they fail to move into
appropriately living in daily, desperate, total dependence upon His life.
Yes, there are many factors in a person's life that can hinder them from
looking to Jesus for everything. But we have a key opportunity, during
the short season they are young, to lay a good foundation of the blessing
of dependent living in a context that is appropriate and healthy. In such
a context, development into functioning more and more for themselves is
a natural expression of life, not a goal that is fervently pursued, which
subtly puts a high premium on independence.
Secondly,
young children become lost inside and lose their inner bearing if they
are left alone (emotionally, interactively, and/or physically) and do
not have someone "in their space" and in their hearts to be joined with.
We can mold and shape how they relate to other people and various other
situations and things, but we have to have them with us
for this to occur. For instance, I believe that bad attitudes, sour faces,
and sluggish responses to parental leading should be dealt with every
time. If one of my children is, say, pouting, I am right
there to discern this and help them turn. But more importantly, we need
to recognize that when our children act this way, it is evidence their
heart is not with ours and they have their own thing going. They have
separated themselves from us by being independent and self-willed. Isn't
this the epitome of what the scriptures refer to as "walking according
to the flesh" in our relationship with the Lord? Parenting is truly 24
hours a day, seven days a week-all the time! Yet over time, as we work
with our children and they prove themselves faithful in choosing their
heart well and being obedient to our leadings, they don't have to be with
us continually. It is a gradual weaning we do as we see faithfulness and
they mature.
The
third reason I see that our children need to be with us and have a healthy
foundation of dependent living is because a child's heart longs to be
part of someone or something (God made it this way!). If we are not leading
and providing a place for them to stay heart-connected with us, they will
find something else to fill this void. Some will attach themselves to
another child or a cartoon character. Others will begin actually bonding
with an imaginary friend or a fantasy world of their own making. Be attentive
and make sure their heart never leaves being
with you. Do not encourage them in an independent life with little or
no boundaries, unsupervised freedom, and humanistic, worldly "free thinking."
Young
children must develop a capacity for their life being part of and one
with someone else's life-namely, their parents, and specifically we are
looking at the mother's role in this. Let them find their comfort in you,
and watch closely that they don't find it in various objects, foods, other
people, or compulsive "rituals" where they expect/demand that certain
things they have decided on must happen at
certain times or be done in a specific way or they are not "okay." You
be their security.
A by-product
of having my children with me is that they have learned from a young age
to work hard (and truly enjoy it) just because of living life with their
Daddy and I. Though we have done some training, we have never had to implement
a series of rules, do a reward system, or teach them "10 aspects of how
to be a hard worker." They are simply with us while we work and they identify
with how we are. And hard work is just one of the many things we do in
our day. We don't compartmentalize life into this is work, this is pleasure,
this is school, this is our spiritual time, etc. We just live life together,
sharing hearts openly and doing whatever we discern the Lord is leading
us in (Rom. 8:14). It is all so enjoyable. Children can pick up so many
skills-communicating, cooking, sewing, laundry, gardening, etc.-just by
being with to you. We can make things so complicated and we try so hard,
when it is so natural just to live.
How
can we do this?
This
is where it gets real practical. Make a place for your young children
to be with you in most everything. When you clean, let them help you or
sit by and watch or play next to you. Sure, your cleaning may not go as
quickly or efficiently, but the process you are allowing for has benefits
that can last your child a lifetime. When you cook, tell them about what
you are doing. Let them help in as many ways as they can, or just set
them up on the countertop or on a chair and talk or sing together while
you work. Let them garden with you, run errands with you, and let them
help you fold the laundry, etc. Those towels may not be in perfect uniform
stacks, but what is more important here? When you are reading something
for yourself, have them sit next to you with their own book(s). When I
mop the kitchen floor, all my children (young and older) and I put wet
rags under our feet, drizzle some cleaner around, and them we scoot and
"skate" together all over the floor, laughing and singing. If you find
that you have activities in your life that they cannot somehow watch or
participate or at least be with you in, then reevaluate if they are really
things the Lord would have you be doing. I personally do not feel we mothers
of young children need to have very many of these.
Another
way to keep your children "with you" is through the interaction that takes
place through often, daily, direct eye contact and conversation. People
these days seem to avoid direct eye contact where it is appropriate, like
among the members of your family, and instead look everywhere except in
the eyes of who they are talking to. If doing this is "too intimate" for
you with your children, then you are unfortunately already disconnected
and each living in your own "walled city." Even when my children are infants,
I engage them in their eyes and talk to them and constantly touch them.
I love sharing real life and having real conversations with my children.
Everyday life is not boring!
Ask
your children real questions-don't just give them superficial fluff. Even
though they are small, they have real hearts and minds. I believe children
can usually see right through what is artificial. Some folks think children
only understand what is fun, cute, entertaining, loud, colorful, shallow,
or foolish. This is not true, but if you serve them up with a steady diet
of those sorts of things, you will train them to become "addicted" to
it and become shallow individuals who do not know how to be vulnerable,
content, open, and at peace. Instead, let them become addicted to your
love and life, and relish being "on your
train." This will not lead them to become dysfunctional adults (unless
your "loving" them is coming out of some deep-rooted unhealthy need and
selfishness of your own). It will instead help pave the way for them to
become our brothers and sisters in Christ who know how to draw off of
the Lord's life and abide in Him (John 15:1-11)!
Now,
you might be thinking, "I'm going to feel suffocated if I do that," or,
"What about my time?" or, "All that will take
up too much time when I can knock it out quickly by myself," or, "I need
a break now and then." Well, I'll say this as graciously as I know how:
You must die to your own life, space, and time. In Proverbs 31, it says
"she rises also while it is still night" and "her lamp does not go out
at night" (vv. 15, 18). In other words, she is constantly available! "Greater
love" is laying down your life and "it does not seek its own" (John 15:13
, 1 Cor. 13:5). It will make your flesh scream,
but who you really are in Christ will love it and feel that nothing could
be more satisfying.
As
women & mothers, the Lord has made us to live this way, but we have
been so saturated with the world's self-focused ideas. We have been bombarded
with such notions as "hold onto your rights," and "get out in the real
world, make your mark, and be a success," and other such ME-first leaven.
Even us "stay-at-home mothers" have been conditioned to believe we "need
a break" from our children (For those who are disconnected from their
children and not faithful to discipline them consistently, a legitimate
case for a break might really be made! But this would only buy a few fleeting
moments of relief, not a long-term beneficial solution to the real problem.).
The Lord Jesus has called us to lay down our rights and serve our families
(cf. 1 Tim. 5:9-10).
When
you become genuinely tired, depleted, and are "needing your cup filled,"-as
we all do-the Lord will meet this need as we actively trust Him with it.
He may use the appreciative words of your husband, an encouraging word
from a sister, a "nugget" from the scriptures, the edification from gathering
with the saints in your area, or just His abundant grace filling you up.
The point is YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUSH OFF FROM YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR HOME
TO GET THIS NEED MET! When I am in a situation and I am weary or struggling
or my heart is heavy, I just open my heart and my mouth and sing or pray.
The Lord has always been faithful to fill me regardless of where I am
or what I am doing.
Some Helps and Hindrances
- Avoid
"Mother's Day Out" type things (the very name should be a "red flag").
- Don't
let your young children play unattended with other children.
- If
you live with your heart pretty closed and you're not accustomed to
being vulnerable, then talk to the Lord and your husband and see how
they might lead you in becoming more open. You cannot give away what
you do not have.
- Begin
weeding out entertainment and you will find that you and your children
will be much more content with daily life together.
- Stay
home as much as you can.
- Cut
out age-segregated activities and do things everyone can be a part of.
- Don't
allow the telephone to be an interruption in your home. Ask your husband
for his covering and counsel here.
- If
for some reason you cannot be with your children, leave them with someone
who will basically continue in what you are doing with them and how
you relate to them. If you do not have someone who can do this, don't
leave them! And don't ever let the television baby-sit your children.
- Slow down! Nurturing and cultivating your children's hearts and lives takes a good deal of time and attention. If your goal is to accomplish & finish-that is, hurry and get this & that done, and work your way down your list as quickly as possible-then everyone becomes a bother and intrusion. Enjoy the process in getting to the destination.
Kindling Publications
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Tyler, Texas 75707-3147
USA
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