Helping Our Sons Become Men

by Maranatha Chapman

 

As time goes on, we seemed to have more and more clarified what the role of a mother is in the life of her daughters. We are to bring them forth as godly women primarily by modeling godly womanhood in daily life ourselves and them identifying with us. We are to teach them to follow and have a submissive heart. We are to impart homemaking and management skills that will enable them to be a dependable keeper at home. We are to guide them through the array of emotions they will have, especially as they transition from girlhood to womanhood. We are to encourage their passion and zeal for Jesus, teach them gentleness, and so on and so on. But what about a mother's role in the life of her sons? This is something that we don't hear very much about.

It is obvious that fathers play a significant and essential role in a boy's life. They are the ones who teach them to be men, right? So does this then mean that our role is simply limited to teaching them math, getting on to them when they are doing something wrong, making them food, and teaching them manners? Oh mamas, it is so much more than that! Your particular role in helping bring forth your sons into manhood is crucial.

Do you want your son to be a docile, feminized, and domesticated wimp? Or, would you prefer a rebellious, hard-hearted, closed-off, unteachable man? Well neither, you're probably saying. But you know what? If we mamas don't wake up to what our sons need from us, then, apart from the grace of God, they probably will end up being one or the other. You can count on it!

Let's start with what every child, male or female, needs. These things are obvious but please take the time to listen for the Lord and look at your practice as a parent as well as your heart motives behind your parenting.

I believe if we endeavor to obey the Lord's commands in raising our children and live out Christ's example by His Spirit, we will see good fruit in our children (Prov. 22:6). I also believe that, in doing this, it is extremely helpful to know the Lord's design behind His desires for us because, as we do, we will discern the real needs and understand how to best cooperate with how He set things up to work. For instance, I can know the Lord's desire for me to have a good marriage, but if I do not know His design for marriage then I will very likely be hindered from having the good marriage I know He wants me to have. Why? Because I will probably end up acting out of my own fleshly instincts and living by the predominant mindset toward marriage that I have picked up from the world and miss what the real needs are. So it is extremely helpful for me to know that His design for marriage includes things like my husband being the leader and the head of the home and his need for me to be submissive and a "helper suitable" to him. As I see and understand these things, it helps me best cooperate with how the Lord set up marriage to work and be the good wife my husband needs.

So, what about raising our sons to become godly men? As mothers, we can better give our boys what they need if we understand God's design for bringing them into manhood. This enables us to discern their real needs and see the importance of what we are doing right now and how it affects their future as men of God.

Beginning with when my boys were little-bitty, one of the things that really helped me in giving them what they needed is that I learned to see them as future men. At every point in their growth and development, it is extremely important for us to remember that they are fumbling through the process of becoming men, and that they are not going to do it perfectly. And this is where our role comes in. We can be used of the Lord to help them in this journey or we can sabotage their efforts. Unfortunately, most mamas completely "miss the boat" because they don't see their son's vital needs that only they can meet.

It's so funny (in a tragic sense) that it's okay for little girls to play dress-up and really overdo it in pretending to be adult ladies and to act like little mamas and not do it right (like forgetting their doll in the hot van or dropping them on their head). That's just cute and normal, right? But when a little boy knocks something over or messes something up or breaks something and then tries to fix it, we mothers oftentimes misread this and think he's being bad. Just like little girls are going to try to be women and they are not going to come anywhere close because they are just learning, boys are going to be the very same way. They are going to try to be men and are not going to come anywhere close, and we need to afford them the same room to grow and fumble through the process of learning just like we do for our daughters.

Let's look closely at some of the specific needs our boys have in becoming men, and as we do, let's not forget to keep the vision of godly manhood for our sons in front of us.

Constant affirmation

We need to be our son's biggest cheerleader. Stop and think about it-men thrive on affirmation. When we build them up, it's like they can run faster, endure even more, and conquer anything (1 Thes. 5:11). When I tell my husband how faithful he is in managing our home or what a good job he is doing in this area or that, he feels strengthened. It is the same way with our "little men." Nothing will crush them more than if you put-down or criticize what they have done or what they have made. Know that a boy's heart (just like a man's heart) is on open display when he takes you over to show you what he has built and shares with you the details of how he made it. Affirm him, be impressed with him. He needs it-and he needs it from you.

Patience

God put it in a man to be masculine and to lead. As boys, they many times do not know how to appropriately channel this out. They can be take-charge when it's not actually their place. They can be bull-headed and try to take over. They can think they KNOW a lot more than they really do. They can be rough and plow right over other people's feelings and even the people themselves at times. Remember, they are trying to be men. Now, do we put them in their place and tell them to settle down or swallow their pride or whatever when they are being rambunctious and inconsiderate? Yes! Do we allow them to be mean over-bearing know-it-alls? Absolutely not! But even so, you shouldn't be surprised that boys-your boys-will be rough or insensitive at times. These future men simply need guidance and training. They don't need your anger and frustration, and they certainly don't need to be made into girls. Instead, direct them to proper places to engage and express their masculinity.

Outlets for male aggression

If you don't give your sons a way to get their energy out or give them something to conquer, then they will most likely react in one of two ways. Some boys become gentle and passive. Some do it by making them sit for long periods of time behind a desk, some indoctrinate them with the worldly leaven of non-gender play (guys with baby dolls, etc.), some just constantly berate their poor boys so they simply give-up. Other boys react by fighting, pushing-off of you and everyone else, and becoming so hardened that they are heartless.

Do you know that boys need a context to be loud, rough, messy, and even destructive? It is in them (God put it there) to explore, to construct, to build, to lead, to conquer, to tear-down. Give them the freedom and direct them to appropriate places to do it. They won't turn into gang members if you give them a machete to hack through the woods. They will survive if they accidentally hit their thumb with a hammer. It's got to be okay with you if they accidentally get holes in their jeans and tears in their tee shirts.

Even having an element of danger in what they do is important. If you protect your "little baby" from everything, he won't be able to stand on his own one day. How many men these days are still dependent on their mamas? If they are to become future men who are manly, they have to have obstacles to overcome, they have to sweat, they have to push past what feels safe and controlled. Encourage your little men to be full of passion, enthusiasm, zeal, energy, strength, and to have a big open-heart ready for the next adventure.

Respect

What? Respect your son? Bear with me a minute and I will try to explain. Of course we are to treat all of our children with respect, but I am talking about giving our little men respect. I am not talking about the weak parenting style of fitting around your children and their desires because "they are people too." I am talking about the need in every male (again, God put it there) to be depended on and respected as a capable guy. They have to see that you trust them to do stuff, carry things, and be responsible. How many men do you know that have had difficulties with their mothers and feel as though they can never do anything right in her eyes? Some boys have been thwarted so many times that they don't even ask to help out anymore. You have to swallow your pride at times and you have to quit holding on so tight. Let them witness you believing that they can be depended upon and they will rise to the occasion by wanting to be even more faithful with what they are given (Matt. 25:21, Luke 16:10). But if your expectations of them are low then they feel defeated before they even begin.

When my sons were around six or seven, I felt they were ready for me to teach them how to cook meat on the grill. Could the fire burn them? You bet! But it was more important for them to see that I was counting on them and that I could trust them to do such a big job than for them to be shielded from possible injury. Do you know how big they felt when, at the same age, I began teaching them to pump gas for me? As I coached them through the important details of it, I would talk about what a help they were and how this was something they had to learn in becoming a man. Yes, I could do it all myself and even faster, but I would have missed the opportunity for my son's early development of becoming a responsible man and his beaming face of satisfaction. They also need to really know that I think they are capable. It's more of that building-up stuff.

Let your 4 and 5 year old boys carry your heavy sacks of groceries. Don't tell them it's too much for them. If it is, let them discover that after they have tried and strained. You would be surprised at how strong these little guys can be. But guess where you get to stretch? You have to be okay with breaks and spills and bent-up cans. In order for them to learn they have to fail sometimes too. Allow them that.

Ask your 13+ year old sons for their thoughts on things you are considering. Of course parents have more wisdom, but you have to give opportunity for them to come forth. My son who is now seventeen is one of my favorite sources for input. He is observant and tends to see the "big picture" quite well. I run things by him all the time and value what he has to say. This only strengthens him in his manhood.

Demonstrated love

Sometimes it's easy to overlook a little boy's need for plain old lovin' and cuddling. Studies have shown that parents don't touch their boys near as much as they do their girls. I think it's because they don't always act like they need it. Take the time to sit with them, look them in the eyes, listen to them, tickle them, smile at them (this one is often overlooked), sit on the floor and play with them, make noises and faces with them, laugh with them, and cuddle with them. Your countenance needs to be saying, "I think you are really neat," or, "You are so special to me." Unfortunately, most boys get that they are in their mother's way, too loud, and a hassle. Practice being gentle and calm with them. Your mood and tone sets theirs much of the time.

One word of qualification here. This type of affection (cuddling) I am talking about is with your little boys. Once they are pre-puberty age, natural changes occur and appropriate boundaries between you need to be respected. Most of the time mother and son naturally flow with this change, but sometimes there are extra sensitive boys who are especially clingy and you would be disabling them as men to allow frequent, baby-like affection to continue. Think about it, does it seem right for a twelve year old boy to be holding his mama's hand as they walk through the grocery store? Does he need to put his head in her lap or crawl in bed with her and cuddle? I don't feel that it's appropriate. My oldest son, Benjamin, and I are very close. We hug and I am more affectionate than I would be with a brother in Christ outside of our family. But I can tell you we would both feel strange if either one of us was too touchy for too long. I respect him as a man and he doesn't (and shouldn't) need snuggling with me anymore.

Throughout the day, stop what you are doing and pursue their heart. I don't mean a mushy, wide-eyed "what is your heart feeling?" introspective pursuit. I mean a "Show me what you've been working on" or a "Wow, show me how you did that" pursuit. This is where the male heart can be easily found. Become one of the safest places on earth for him. He needs to never doubt how much you love him because you are delivering it to him every day. You can stay soft and gentle (1 Pet. 3:4) while, at the same time, being firm and immovable (Prov. 31:25). By having this beautiful balance your son will respect you, not walk all over you, but really know he is loved!


These are some of the primary needs our sons have in the process of becoming strong, healthy, godly men. Recognize the areas where you fulfill your role well and focus on the areas you need to improve. The benefit that your sons stand to reap will last them for a lifetime.

 

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