Do You Think Your Husband Is An Idiot?

By Maranatha Chapman

 

 

  We live in a time when, generally speaking, men are considered lightweight klutzes who falter before the wisdom of women. Feminism is everywhere to be found these days-the workplace, politics, the religious world, marriages, books, and educational materials, to name a few. Without a doubt, the most relentless and potent source of feminism has got to be the audio-visual media. Television shows and movies portray men, husbands, and fathers as bumbling, fearful, and scatterbrained, whereas women are typically the ones who are sensible, in control, and superior in their ability to handle whatever comes their way. And, as we all unfortunately know, these portrayals have their impact and people begin acting these things out in real life. Thus the standard for women today is to pursue a career, make their mark in the world, and have their own unique identity, all while being a good wife and mother of course.

  Hopefully, most of you reading a publication such as this one see, or are beginning to see, the perversions of feminism for what they are. But even so, I am convinced that this leaven is still making its way into the lives of women who are seeking to live in a godly way. We can have a good deal of the world filtered out of our lives, and we can even know the scriptures and have strong beliefs about submission and honoring and respecting our husband, and yet these influences can still subtly slip in through the things that do touch our lives, even through other sisters we come in contact with.

  The scriptures clearly teach that we women are created to be a "helper suitable" ("help meet" in KJV) for the man in our life-our husband. We were created for his sake, not he for ours. Now if these scriptures rub you the wrong way and irritate you then you probably have some views on the roles of men and women that are amiss, and this could also be a key indicator that you have dishonor and disrespect toward your husband. Knowing that none of us are exempt, let's go through some questions and take a hard honest look to see if we have allowed the world's ideals about men to creep into our own hearts and take root. Be faithful to be "gut honest" with yourself in answering these questions or this little exercise will bear no fruit in your walk with the Lord and marriage. If you uncover any of these wrong beliefs, judgments, and attitudes then uproot them so that you can go on to be a women who truly honors, reveres, respects, fits around, and admires your husband.

 

  . Do you ever snicker at your husband (or men in general) when they demonstrate an inability to handle the children or manage money or do various tasks? Look and see if there is an attitude behind the snickering and if it is driven by a belief that you know more then they do or you can do it better. Sure, it is reality that some people are more knowledgeable about some things than others and that some people are more skilled at certain things than others are. But what I'm talking about here is a condescending kind of laughing at him, one that has a "you stupid man" element to it. If you recognize this in your heart than know that it is the world's leaven.
  We can be so arrogant sometimes, can't we? Granted, men handle things very differently than women do. They aren't as gentle, quiet, or delicate as we are-and they shouldn't be. Learn to enjoy the differences between you and your husband, between a female vessel and a male vessel. But don't ever look down upon him and belittle him by laughing at him, even if it's behind his back, and especially not in front of the children. It undercuts him and communicates to the children and others that "He's just a big fool" or "He just doesn't get it."

. Do you have a never-ending supply of suggestions, commentary, and "helpful hints" on most everything he considers or does? The Lord has called us to serve our husband by helping him, yes, but He has not called us to lead or teach him (1 Tim. 2:12), or to be his Holy Spirit or his Mama. No doubt we have things to add and our husband really does need our help, but we can take this way too far and move over into monitoring, baby-sitting, taking over, and leading. The way we can best help him is by fitting with him, following his lead, and taking care of whatever he need us to carry while walking alongside of him. We don't need to think for him or take it upon ourselves to scrutinize everything he does. To do so is very dishonoring and is not our place.
  The Lord did not put us in charge nor has He called us to lead our families. The God-ordained mantle for this has [obviously] fallen upon our husband (1 Cor. 11:3). We need to trust him and be sensitive to only give ideas and suggestions when he wants them. If you are in a situation and are not sure if it is one of those times, ask him, but don't be offended if he says "not right now"-remember, you asked and he is answering honestly; the help is for him, not for you. If you have spent a long time walking inappropriately here, you need to understand that it will take a lot of time to learn to recognize what he really wants from you in any given situation. If it seems good to you to humble yourself to your husband about your weaknesses in this area, he will probably have some excellent examples, guidelines, and thoughts on the matter.

 

. Do you come behind your husband and either take over what he is doing or redo what he has already done or complete what he has begun? Even if we do not like the way he did something or we are aware of something he has forgotten, we should not take it upon ourselves to "save the day." It is simply not our place to assert ourselves in this way, and it is very insulting to him. For example, let's say you have invited another family to come over for dinner and your husband is outside grilling the meat in a way you do not prefer. It would be better for him to burn it all to a crisp than to go out there, take the fork or spatula from his hand, and bump him over so you can do it your way. This would be treating him like an idiot. If he ruins the meal then perhaps next time he will ask for your help in how to do it better, but your involvement would originate from his desire, not from your assertiveness.
  Or let's say your husband sets the table. You don't need to come behind him and redo what he has done simply because it is not Emily Post. Or if he has not finished a project or a certain task, don't complete it for him unless he has asked you to. I'm not talking about those times where like you finish raking the leaves for him while he is at work just to bless him when he gets home and sees it done. I'm talking about times when you step in and complete something for him because you are fearful he won't finish it or you judge him incapable of finishing it or you want to make sure it gets completed in a certain way or by a certain time. Your stepping in betrays the "my husband is an idiot" leaven, even if, in the end, he never gets around to finishing it or discovers he truly is incapable or does it in a way or timeliness that is not your preference. Respect his place as head of the home and let his choices/actions stand for what they are.

 

. Let me ask you straight up: do you tell your husband what to do? "No way!" we would surely all answer. But have you ever handed your husband something and said, "Here, you hold this while I get such and such," or, "Honey, the baby needs changing-get me a diaper," or, "I need for you to cut Johnny's meat while I get the rolls buttered." We need to ask not tell (command). It may only seem like a matter of semantics on the surface but regularly doing these types of things betrays a bad posture in our heart. No one bosses around anyone they look up to and respect. Jesus said, "The mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart" (Matt. 12:34). I encourage you to look closely at the way you word things when talking to your husband and see if you boss him around.

 

. When your husband has led in something do you ever override him? Unless it is a matter of severe injury or death, this is something we should never ever do for any reason including our feeling like we know or understand or perceive something in a situation that he doesn't. It is particularly crucial that we do not do this in front of our children because it undercuts him in his role as head of the home and encourages them to join with you in disrespecting him. In other words, you doing so will spread the "daddy is an idiot" leaven into your children's hearts and lives even if they never consciously think that specific thought.
  Let's say little Suzy asks to go play outside and Daddy answers, "No, Sweetie, you haven't been feeling well lately so you need to stay inside," and then you jump in and say, "Honey, it's really fine that she goes out and plays. She has been feeling much better and she needs to go out and get some fresh air." This assertion directly undercuts him, and more than likely Suzy will flash a glance at her father and then run out the door to go play. You may be exactly right on the actual issue of how Suzy is feeling, but it matters little because you are wrong on something far more important. Your husband always needs to be the one with the last word on anything. Back him up and don't presume he doesn't know what he is doing. Support him and what he says or leads in even if he does not have all of the facts. If need be, you can always pull him aside and, in complete privacy, say, "Sweetheart, I just wanted to make you aware of (fill in the blank) in case that changes the way you feel about (the situation)." There is humility and a submitted heart in that, isn't there? The point is not the degree of perfection in how or what he leads in. The point is that he is the one who leads.

 

. Do you ever apologize to others for how your husband has led you/your family or for something he has said or done? Do you ever distance yourself from your husband's decisions in front of others in order to somehow win their approval? This too is a form of undercutting him and communicating to others that you think your husband is an idiot. He is a man-let him stand or fall before the Lord for what he says or chooses. If he is a good and godly man, he will learn from situations where he is wrong and will make things right. If he isn't a good and godly man, I'm very sorry you are stuck in such a marriage. But regardless of where he falls on the scale from wonderful to "rough around the edges" to deeply hardened, even if he is "disobedient to the word," we are to "be submissive to him and win him without a word by our chaste and respectful behavior" (1 Pet. 3:1-6).
  The other issue here is our wanting to look good. Most of us are not in a more extreme type of situation like the one I just mention. Instead, we are simply embarrassed or uncomfortable by something our husband said or did in front of others, and we want to somehow come out looking good or make sure his actions didn't hurt our "approval ratings." So we roll our eyes or sigh loudly and give him a look or silently mouth out the words "I'm sorry" behind his back or do something that lets the others know that we join with them in looking down on or disapproving of whatever it was our husband just did. This is very dishonoring of him and we do not need to do such things even if he has done something dishonorable. We really are to be with him "for better or for worse."


  In conclusion, these are just a few examples of how disrespect toward our husband can be held in our heart and come out in our actions. Whenever we catch ourselves thinking and acting out of attitudes along the lines of "he just doesn't get it" or, in a more self-focused sense, we are "the glue that holds this family together," or we find ourselves looking down on him or often frustrated with him, these are warning signs that this corrupt leaven is in operation within us. As with anything in our life in the Lord, the goal here is not to merely change our outward behavior, though it will certainly need to be changed. The goal is first and foremost a change of heart that can only come by seeing these worldly beliefs, letting them go, and turning to the truth (Eph. 5:33). If we get this right, the change in behavior comes more naturally and is real.

  For those of you who have walked in these kinds of ways for a good while, you need to realize that it will take a lot of time and diligence on your part to get "unleavened," break old habits, and change unhealthy ways of relating to your husband. You are looking at changing something that has become foundational in your marriage and foundations are never easily changed, but with God's grace they can be redeemed. For those of you who are just starting out in marriage, you need to "nip this in the bud" before it blooms into something foul in your relationship with your husband. Perhaps you are carrying the attitude your mother had toward your father over into your marriage and you are only now beginning to realize it. Or perhaps you are like the rest of us who, even with a good foundation, got home from the honeymoon and soon thereafter thought, "I didn't know honoring and submitting to my husband meant THIS!" Whatever the cause, put a stop to this before it goes any further. And whatever your situation, do not get bogged down in discouragement if you find yourself doing any of these things. Instead, humble yourself before the Lord, allow Him to purify any and all impure motives in your heart, and let the Holy Spirit move you on in His life.

 

 

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