Cultivating Pleasantness in the Home
By Maranatha Chapman
We
all desire a peaceful home that runs smoothly and is a haven for our husband
and children. Cultivating such a pleasant environment is something that
does not happen by accident. It requires a certain proactiveness, especially
on the part of we wives and mothers, in pursuing, developing, and maintaining
a tranquil and life-giving atmosphere. Home life is certainly not free
from trials and "bumps in the road," but I would like to share a few things
I have found that can make our days more enjoyable, workable, and perhaps
less "bumpy."
How we start our day is key, for it will set the tone for the rest
of the day. Before anything else, make certain that you are seeking
and having our Lord Jesus as THE priority of the day in your heart. This
is "square one." If we begin with Him and continue drawing from His grace
in humble receptiveness throughout the day, not only is this us being
faithful to Him, but it also allows us to be a channel of His life to
our husband and children regardless of the circumstances of the day.
We also need to actively lead our children in how they start their day,
both in their hearts and in what they do. Young children especially need
to follow from the moment they open their eyes. Make sure their heart
is with yours. Don't begin with any free playtime or anything that has
them running their
day or you will have a struggle from then on. I like to get all of my
little ones and snuggle up together and talk about Jesus-the One we are
living our day for-and sing, love on each other, reflect on the previous
day, and look at the day we are beginning and what I expect of them. In
doing this, by the time they are 8 or 9 and join the ranks of our "older
children," they will have been thoroughly trained to start their day by
looking to the Lord and following their parents' lead. We have very specific
things for our children to do in the morning and we are very much a part
of it. Even so, Matthew and I often reevaluate our morning schedule and
make changes as necessary to better fit with whatever season we are in
and meet the ever-changing needs of our family.
I know this seems very obvious, but we need to create a peaceful
atmosphere in our homes. Take a good look at both you and your
children's voice levels. Do you communicate peacefully, or is any of you
inordinately loud? Does anyone practice "competing for the floor" by talking
over others in order to drown them out and be heard rather than waiting
for their turn to speak? Is there yelling across the house rather than
going to the one being spoken to? Is interrupting a problem? What about
the volume level of any music playing-is it so loud everyone has to raise
their voice to be heard? Do you buy or allow many/any toys that make obnoxious
sounds?
A home can also be made more peaceful if it is orderly and clean. Few
feel peaceful when the home looks like a war zone and they cannot even
walk through the room or find a clutter free place to sit down. I'm not
saying a mother with little ones should strive to keep their home perfect.
She will be anything but pleasant if that is her standard for it is near
impossible to achieve in those circumstances, let alone maintain. But
regardless of where you fall on the "immaculate scale," you can keep clutter
minimized and train your children to pick up after themselves, put things
away in their proper place before getting out something new, have just
one cup to drink from for the day, etc.
Teach your children by example of being content without busyness
or the need for entertainment. From the time mine are old enough
to sit up, I work with them on sitting quietly in my lap. I start them
with small amounts of time and encourage them with words like, "It's so
enjoyable to sit peacefully" or "Let's be very still together." All of
this can be done with a smile and can actually turn out to be really sweet
times. Doing this will equip them for the times you require them to sit
still as they get older.
A lot of folks think that entertainment will keep things running smoothly
because everyone is quiet while their attention is occupied by what they
are watching. I think that very much of this actually makes for discontent,
loud, overstimulated, short-attention-spanned, shallow children. Rethink
television, video or computer games, high-tech toys and gadgets. Keep
things simple and your children will be content with what is simple.
Slow down! Savor your moments. It is so easy to
get consumed with completing the task at hand or reaching the end goal.
We forget that the journey and the process itself is just as important,
if not more so. Life is not a rat race, and if you allow it to be so you
will one day have tremendous regrets when you realize the many wonderful
opportunities to share life with your children that you squandered away
while running around all frazzled.
Take the time to show your children how to do things. Have them with you
in most tasks and thoroughly enjoy them even if it takes 20 extra minutes
to complete the job. For example, when I make bread, I will have us make
15 to 20 loaves at a time. I allow every single one of my children to
somehow be a part of the process. Is it more messy? Yes!!!! Does it take
forever? Yes!! But we have a blast together and I wouldn't trade those
times for anything. These memories will be cherished for life but the
specific accomplished goals of those days will have been long forgotten.
Being stressed out or wrought up will never create a pleasant home. If
anything, it will cause tension and heaviness to hang in the air and your
children looking for a way to escape it. If you are someone who is hyper,
extremely anxious or fearful, or just tense all the time, ask the Lord
to help you learn to live in His peace and get help from others in the
body of Christ. It is crucial that we do not live in such ways.
Talk to your children and tell them what you expect of them in
any given circumstance. Proper preparation is essential for their
hearts, their behavior, and their future.
Conversation in the home needs to always be edifying and life-giving.
Despite what many leading psychologists say, there isn't "healthy" or
"fair" fighting. The Lord's way is for us to deny ourselves (Mark 8:33-34),
lay down our life for others (John 15:12-13), consider others more important
than ourselves (Phil. 2:3-4), turn the other cheek when smitten (Luke
6:27-38), patiently suffer injustices in faith without reviling or making
threats (1 Pet. 2:13-25), never seek our own vengeance (Rom. 12:14-21),
and love everyone in a genuine way, even our enemies (1 John 3:18, Matt.
5:43-48). How will our children ever walk in this as adults if it was
never practiced in the home and fighting was allowed instead? I encourage
you to deal swiftly and consistently with bad attitudes, critical words,
bullying, defensiveness, arguing, whining, and especially a self-seeking
heart. It is appropriate to make a huge deal
with your children about loving, serving, getting along, forbearing, and
building each other up.
We as parents need to actively lead our children. It
is a good thing for them to be dependent and following us all
the time. The Father leads us and we are to enter His kingdom
as children and do only what He wants us to do. There has to be one train
in your home with one locomotive. It does not work for there to be many
trains with differing agendas within the same home, all running in different
directions. Husbands are the head of the home, their wife is their helper,
and children are to completely fit around and obey their parents (1 Cor.
11:1-9, Gen. 2:18-25, Eph. 6:1-3). Family life is not an exercise in democracy,
but rather love working through authority and submission.
Focus your children's play and tell them what you want them to do. If
your parameters for play are open-ended, that's fine, but if you tell
them to go color and they go play legos instead, then deal with their
disobedience. You will not "squash their creativity" or "wound their individuality"
by leading them and requiring complete obedience and submission. Within
your leadership, uniqueness and self-expression can come forth in a healthy
and appropriate way, so don't be duped by worldly philosophies and allow
your children to live their lives independent of you.
Invite the Lord into your moments verbally throughout the day.
Don't be afraid to talk to the Lord in your children's hearing or to sing
to Him. Invite them to join with you in His abundant life. Unashamedly
live in a way that displays His joy, peace, and love.
Scheduling is an essential element to keeping a home running smoothly
and will add to the overall quality of pleasantness-if it is done in a
proper way. We can schedule our time in such a way that it is
an aid to delightful efficiency or we can allow it to be an oppressive
taskmaster, so how we go about doing it makes
all the difference in the world.
I remember attending my first home school conference and book fair years
ago. There was so much to see and explore, but I took time to attend a
number of workshops. One of the morning sessions had to do with scheduling.
As I entered the room where it was being held, I was handed a four-page
copy of the speaker's own personal schedule for a typical day at home
with her family. It was broken down into 10-minute increments! She pumped
the audience up with exhortations to model their own family schedules
after hers because it was the answer to getting everything done. You could
sense the heaviness in the room increasing the longer people listened.
Judging by the looks and comments after the presentation was over, many
mothers left that room feeling condemned, guilty, and horribly overwhelmed.
Ladies, it doesn't have to be this way. Don't allow scheduling to be a
prison.
Scheduling is helpful if it is lived out in a way that fits with your
family's needs and is held loosely before the Lord in order to allow for
any change-ups He may bring along as we follow His Spirit and live in
His life. In our home, we have what we call a "Lord willing schedule"
(cf. James 4:13-17). It is a basic routine for each season of life in
which everyone in our family knows what to do and when to do it, and we
get a lot done.
But, before the Lord, I cannot allow getting a lot done to be my objective.
Fitting around my sweet Lord and my husband, and serving and loving my
family, are my objectives. And so in order to accommodate these objectives,
I must of necessity hold everything, including my schedule, loosely and
openly before Him so that He does not meet up with resistance within me
if and when He leads for something out of the ordinary. This keeps me
in the good place of having to consistently keep my ear inclined and listening
for Him, and following in whatever way He directs my steps without being
in bondage to our basic schedule and routine. So I can do things like
forgo planting those green beans today because He would have me fellowship
with the sister who just popped in. Or we can live out a normal routine
day. Or we can put the books and lessons away and take care of a pressing
need that has arisen without feeling like we have somehow messed up our
day and failed. However the day unfolds, we have a basic schedule that
we stick to and yet we also can easily shift gears as the Lord leads.
In addition to scheduling, there is the general management of
our homes to be considered. There really is an art to keeping
up with everything and efficiently taking care of all that needs to be
done. We could look at a number of specific aspects of this, but let's
stay with the overview. Be sure you know the main areas of your life that
you need to keep current with (marriage, training children, relationships,
meal planning and preparation, cleaning, gardening, whatever). Take each
area and realistically see what is currently working well and what is
not. Consider this area as it pertains to any scheduling needs. Determine
if there is anything needed to better take care of this area, or if there
is a way it could be done better. Be thorough and honest in your evaluation.
Here are some examples. In looking at the area of food preparation, I
saw that dinnertime seems to often be rushed. So to manage it better I
realized that I needed to start parts of the evening meal during the little
ones' nap time. I then saw that I needed some new meal ideas for breakfast
because I could tell my children needed more protein in the mornings.
When looking at other areas of my life, there might be something in the
realm of cooking that I need to cut out in order to make room for something
else. For instance, for about six months out of this past year, due to
gardening and selling at the local farmers' market and then having a very
difficult first trimester in my pregnancy with my sixth child, Matthew
decided that I did not need to make bread for the family. Instead, he
said he would gladly buy good and healthy bread for our family during
this season so my time could be spent in other more needful ways. This
is managing. Things didn't happen by default or due to neglect, instead
they were intentionally planned in order to help the flow of our home.
Lastly, a home will never be pleasant if you and your husband
are not in unity, if you are not heart-connected, or if there is tension
between the two of you. Make certain you are obeying the Lord
by doing your part in the marriage to fit with Ephesians 5:22-33 and First
Peter 3:1-6. One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a
good marriage, and it will be a well thatyou can drink from too.
Kindling Publications
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