Being "Bigger" Than Your Children
by Maranatha Chapman
"Strength and dignity are her clothing." (Proverbs 31:25)
Mamas,
it's time again for some honest looking at ourselves. Do you and your
children fill your respective roles correctly when it comes to who fits
around who, and who follows who? Or do you have the roles switched around
and your children are the ones who run and lead you?
God's intended order for our families is truly under attack by the powers
of darkness and we cannot help but feel the effects of this unending onslaught
and the pressures to conform to world's destructive ways. We can know
the truth about children obeying their parents (Eph. 6:1-3, Col. 3:20)
and our job as parents to "train up our children in the way they should
go" (Prov. 22:6), but it is wise to examine our practice and not just
assume we have it right because of the concepts we believe in our minds.
Many times we can actually be following worldly patterns and not even
know it, or, if we do recognize that we're off, we don't always know how
to break free.
There are incredibly wonderful realities in God that have to do with dying
to self (Rom. 8:12-17), dying to our rights (Mark 8:34-38, 1 Cor. 6:19-20),
laying down our life (John 15:12-17), and considering others as more important
than ourselves (Phil. 2:3-16). Praise God! By His grace and Spirit, we
can live this! Jesus has made "a new and living
way" for us, we just have to daily say "no" to our flesh in order to be
able to walk in it (Heb. 10:19-22, 1 Pet. 4:1-2). But, because our "flesh"
is what it is (Rom. 7:18, 8:6-8; Gal. 5:13, 17), we can take these and
other truths in God and subtly make provision for our flesh in another
area (Rom. 13:14). Here's what I mean.
In their quest to be excellent, devoted, and selfless, many parents leave
being "bigger than" their children. This can especially be true for we
mamas. If kids never learn to follow, trust, fit around, and walk submissively
to their parents, they will never do it with The Father either. Yes, love
your children and lay down your life for them. Being a good parent is
all about sacrifice. But don't ever stop being bigger than them. In other
words, don't ever let them run the show. Our life is in fitting around
our Precious Lord every moment, isn't it? So in order to "train up our
children in the way they should go" and prepare them for life in God,
we must carve out this capacity in them with respect to how they relate
to us.
So, do you agree with this concept? Great! Now let's look at where "the
rubber meets the road." Do you ask your children
to comply or do you tell them to follow you?
Yes, they have a choice, but give them a definite lead and a clear "ride"
to get on-yours. Do you thank your children
for obeying? For instance, let's say that your child is having a pooty
attitude and you tell them to change it and they do. To say, "Thank you
for changing your heart," is to communicate to them that they did you
a favor rather than what was required. It also gives the distinct impression
that you are at their mercy.
Now you might be thinking, "What a mean, impolite mama." Nope. We just
need to know who's in charge and act accordingly. We can be very loving
and soft-spoken yet firm and extremely direct. If one of my children changed
their attitude after I told them to, I would probably say something like,
"Good sweetie. We don't want that ol' yucky stuff, do we? Don't choose
that anymore."
What about saying "please" when you are directing your children? "Susie,
please clean your room." "Freddy, don't hit your brother, please." This
sure makes the parent sound like a pretty weak and wimpy force to be reckoned
with, doesn't it? Do not ever plead with your children. "Please" is a
word used when making a request not giving a command or a directive.
Before going any further, let's make sure to disarm what "being
bigger" does NOT mean.
. IT DOES NOT MEAN TO BE HARSH! Proverbs 31:26 says that
"the teaching of kindness" is to be on our tongue. "The fruit of the Spirit
is.kindness.gentleness.restraint" (Gal. 5:22-25). "Love.is kind.does not
act unbecomingly.is not provoked" (1 Cor. 13). In being firm, we don't
need to get mad, make frustrated noises, shout, yell, stomp our foot,
pound our fist, or be belittling. We just need to be quietly resolute
about how and in what we are leading our children. Let's not be ugly,
scary mamas. That only tears down our little lambs. Make certain to repent
of this sort of behavior and bring it to the light with your husband or
a trusted sister so that you can have some accountability and "confess
your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be
healed" (James 5:16).
. IT DOES NOT MEAN "LOSING IT"! We do not need to ever
allow ourselves to get out of control. To do so breeds incredible insecurity
in the hearts of your children. One thing that can help is to deliberately
slow down on the inside when you sense yourself getting riled up. Settle
your heart and do not speak or do anything until you can think clearly,
remembering in the moment how much you love your children and how much
you want to be faithful to the Lord.
. IT DOES NOT MEAN ACCUSING YOUR CHILDREN! If a situation
arises or a dispute between children comes up, make sure not to make snap
judgments before you have all the facts and start getting onto the child
you think is in the wrong. Doing so very often leads to our wrongly accusing
and even disciplining one of our children. Sometimes, in our desire to
be efficient with our time, or perhaps our sheer exhaustion from child
training, we can make quick decisions that lead us to begin telling our
child what was in their heart when we don't really know. This is where
we need to use discernment and take the time to get to the bottom of an
issue. Many times there are many things to be learned by everyone involved.
Parenting is not an exercise in convenience and it takes a lot of time,
doesn't it?
A lot
of us have seen that we don't ever want to do these kinds of things, but
in our effort to turn away from something we swing way over to the opposite
extreme. If you have ever crossed a line of anger or going out of control,
don't react out of fear and then choose to be a lightweight in an attempt
to be a better mother and protect your children from your temper. If you
only know these two extremes, find someone who can help you learn to walk
in God's way of loving as a mother.
What
does a lightweight mama look like? Let's say little Johnny hits you in
the face. A lightweight mama would respond with a singsongy response like,
"No, no, Johnny. We don't hit Mama." Or, "Honey bun, let's not be ugly
toward Mama." What is needed is a healthy response along the order of
raising your eyebrows, taking hold of that hand, looking them in the eye,
and very firmly saying, "You will not hit Mama. That is No!" Then go from
there. To be all sweetsy when there is rebellion is horrible because we
are training them that they can be completely rebellious and defiant brats
and we will accommodate and appease them, and even think they are cute.
Our children need to get an accurate representation of the Lord through
our parenting, which is, "You will not cross this line!" Your children
have to know where the lines are and that they are firm and non-negotiable.
Be immoveable!
This
has to do with the children crossing your lines, but another aspect of
our being bigger than our children is that we will not hesitate, when
it is needed, to cross their lines. Are you
scared to cross your kids? If so, look long and hard and find exactly
what your fear is so you can work through it and not be ruled by it. Maybe
you vowed to never be as "uncool" as your parents were. Or maybe you have
a need (unhealthy, of course) for your kids to like
you, and part of this insecurity is a fear of raising issues with them
that you do not think you can win, so you opt instead to never require
anything that might set them off. These kinds of fears in the heart of
the parent will translate into a huge stumbling block getting imparted
into the hearts and minds of the children as far as them ever truly following
the Jesus and gladly allowing Him to exercise His Lordship over them.
When
your children are disobeying you, or acting independently of you, or are
rebelling against you in any way (overt or subtle), their heart is not
with you and there is separation. It's okay that they feel your displeasure
and the distance. Do you lock them away in a far off room somewhere? Oh
goodness, no. But just like us with our Father, if we choose darkness
we are not abiding with Him and there is no sweet communion with Him (1
John 1:5-2:6). In the Lord being "bigger than" us, He does not pretend
that everything is fine and act all lovee-dovee while we are choosing
our junk. No, He instead soberly beckons for us to return to Him with
our whole heart. Does He coddle us? No! Does He plead with us or bargain
for our compliance? No! We have to leave everything to follow Him (Luke
14:25-35). This is daily!
His
arms are outstretched, yes, but do you see how BIG and unshakeable and
unbending He is? Do likewise with your children. Lovingly yet soberly
call for them to change their heart, drop their bad attitude, stop the
bad behavior, and get back with you where you are. You can welcome them
with love and embrace when they do "come to their senses" and return,
like the father did with his prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), but not before.
If you are doing it right, your children will feel their separation at
times like this and will hate it, preferring much more to be in subjection
to you and heart-connected. But if your dealing with them is all schmaltz,
there is no way they will see you as a person to be reckoned with. If
you are "all bark and no bite" or "no bark and no bite," they will not
respect or obey you or desire to be "on your train." You're just a big
lightweight pushover.
Another
aspect of our being bigger than our children is to not get our feelings
hurt or become deeply affected personally by
our kids. If you feel like your children are doing something to you that
makes you "not okay" when they are being aggravating
or disobedient, then something is amiss inside of you. We are to be there
for our children and give them what they need. Our children do not ever
need to take care of our well-being, or made to feel or take on any kind
of emotional responsibility for us. In addition, being a "buddy" to our
children is extremely unhealthy. Find friendships and fellowship with
other adults. It's not for your children to
take care of your "friend" need. Always stay exclusively the parent. You
can begin transitioning into more friend and peer relating when your children
reach young adulthood (though they will always see you as their beloved
mother), but for now, while they are in training, they need you to be
the Mama.
Consider
also that part of us being "bigger" than our children is that we know
more and see more than they do. Conversely, this helps our children feel
appropriately smaller. I think it is good, even imperative, for our children
to feel that we see everything (even though
we know we don't). Our Lord being all-knowing makes us feel appropriately
small and at His mercy, doesn't it? Again, the same is true for our children
in training. For them to believe that everything they do, say, and think
will be known or somehow found out, this will make them feel secure with
us and will ultimately teach them the fear of the Lord and prepare them
for walking in the Light with Him.
Lastly,
do not ever allow arguing. If you give your child a command, do not ever
let them go back and forth with you about it because this is their way
of challenging you (i.e., attempting to be bigger than you!). If they
feel the freedom to do this, you can bet your kitchen kettle that you
are not being bigger than them and they know it. Consider even the subtle
ways of arguing. For example, you tell your child specifically to play
Legos for the next little while (i.e., you are directing them and not
offering a choice) and they ask to draw instead. If you notice this kind
of thing happening frequently, you can know that your children have their
own thing going and you are not the person that carries the weight. A
submitted child loves being led. A child that thinks they are "the big
dog" will always have a better idea or an alternate plan.
Mamas,
wear the appropriate "bigness" with your children. It is the Lord's way
and will much better prepare them for life in God, not to mention that
it will make for much more peace and harmony in your home. Ask the Holy
Spirit to show you any other ways in which you are not being "the big
mama" you need to be for your children's sake. There are so many more
aspects to be examined, and He is so kind to show us where we need to
grow.
Kindling Publications
6303 CR 233
Tyler, Texas 75707-3147
USA
www.KindlingPublications.com