Being A Safe Place For Your Husband

By Maranatha Chapman

 

Whenever I read or consider these scriptures, my immediate response is to invite the Holy Spirit to examine my inner motives. I also ask myself, "Am I doing my husband good all the time? Can his heart safely trust in mine?" Like most Christian women, I am encouraged when I see that I have grown in these areas. Yet in order to grow still more, it is imperative that we are completely honest with ourselves in answering these questions, even down to the moment-by-moment reality in our lives and marriages. We all want to be a safe place for our husbands, but how?

I think the place to begin is to first learn to understand and appreciate their heart. How can our husband's heart "safely trust" in us if we do not even recognize it when he is sharing it? Many times we women project our feelings and the way our hearts work onto our husbands. We tend to think that if what they are sharing is not gushy stuff then it must not be their heart, and thus they are being shallow or holding back. For example, my husband, Matthew, might take me aside and show me something he has built or tell me all about his day in detail. This is almost always him letting me into his heart and many times it opens up into a beautiful time of sharing. But because of the extreme practicalness of the subject matter (a woodworking project) or the seeming insignificance of particular events from his day, I could many times overlook the fact that these are actual venues through which he is sharing his heart with me.

Another hindrance to recognizing our husband's heart, and probably the greatest and most common one, is when we have expectations-when we have decided what is needed or what the outcome should be. I remember a friend telling me how she completely missed the opportunity to connect with her husband at home one evening after the kids were put to bed because earlier in the day she had decided she needed a night out with him away from home. Instead of enjoying a time of sharing hearts, which is what he was wanting to do, they instead spent the evening working through her hurt and frustration that stemmed from her expectation. Another woman related how she expected a romantic gift for her birthday one year, namely a dozen long-stemmed red roses. When her husband instead looked her in the eyes and began telling of his love for her, she was unable to take it in because she was hung up on not getting the roses. Our expectations can blind us to the ways our husbands are trying to give us their hearts.

Our society and culture has fed us lies about how relationships should be, and these worldly ideals are very "me" centered and unrealistic. Many times our husbands can become discouraged because they feel nothing they do is ever good enough or they get that we would prefer them to be someone they're not. It is not at all uncommon for women today to have fantasy-driven standards for what their husbands should be like that are shaped by what is portrayed in television, movies, and novels. Letting our hearts and minds go to such vain imaginations will only lead to discontentment in our marriages, if not much worse. We need to get to know our husband's heart and recognize when he's being vulnerable-rough edges and all-and not compare him to anyone else. If we drop our expectations and just listen and be attentive, we will hear what's in there.

Making a home for his heart

God made men to naturally want to be close to the women they love. Sisters, we can be a real place of comfort and enjoyment for them, but we don't become such a place accidentally. It requires focus and conscious effort on our part. Does your husband encounter you as a warm, gentle, and peaceful place, or are you preoccupied, self-focused, and uninviting? When your husband comes home from a busy day does he get an earful of complaints? Does he receive a cold greeting because you're distracted with what you're doing? Instead, we have a wonderful opportunity to pour out our love by welcoming him with our eyes and words and actions. I've learned that my sweet husband is the kind that loves for me to run from wherever I am in the house and throw my arms around him when he first walks in the door. I know other men who just enjoy a tall glass of iced tea and a peaceful time on the couch with their wife beside them. Discover what your husband needs and do everything you can to give that to him.

I've known many women who longed for their husband to share their heart with them, but felt as though he never did. More often than not the problem wasn't that their husband was a heartless man, but it was that the wife was not being a safe place. If you're anxious and fear-driven on the inside there is no way you can be a sweet haven for your husband's heart. If you continually interrupt his sharing with suggestions, opinions, and questions concerning how what he's saying affects you, you probably won't experience him opening up very much. What he needs is you truly listening and understanding and fitting around him without any agenda or expectations. This is what makes an inviting, welcoming home for his heart. I know scores of women who have turned their hearts and made these changes and, in doing so, discovered their husband to not be the heartless man they thought he was before.

Some of you sisters might be thinking, "This sounds great, but are you implying that what's in my heart is not important too?" No, what's in your heart is valid. However, many times we only focus on what's in our own heart and we fail to make this place for our husband, and we can even become so self-absorbed we no longer even recognize the need to do so. Remember love "does not seek it's own" (1 Cor. 13:5). I have found that if I give myself to the needs of others (my husband's in this case), my heart is taken care of. If your eyes are on yourself, you can't be inviting and welcoming.

Honoring him

One of the greatest ways we can honor our husband is to walk in submission to him. God Himself established that "the man is the head of a woman" (1 Cor. 11:3). The Lord also commands us to submit to our husbands in everything as unto the Him (Eph. 5:22 -24, 1 Pet. 3:1-6). I would encourage you to read these scriptures in context and understand the Lord's purpose for our role in marriage. Submitting completely is very honoring, and I've never met a man whose heart wasn't blessed and satisfied by a gentle and submissive wife.

True submission is a "heart submission," not just merely doing the right things outwardly. For example, if Matthew led for us to have a family over for dinner one night, I could put on an outward veneer of submission to him by cooking the meal, being ready on time, and entertaining our guests. But if I went through the whole evening wishing we were doing something else, I wouldn't truly be submitting and following him. I believe the Lord is very concerned with where we're coming from in our hearts. Ask the Lord to help you see where you're coming from in following your husband.

Our conduct needs to be honoring of them as well. Are you critical of your husband? This is very dishonoring whether it is directed right at him or to others about him. Do you instruct and mother him? God didn't give wives the job of setting their husbands straight (1 Pet. 3:1), yet how many of us take it upon ourselves to make sure they are doing what they should? We really need to make sure we're not trying to play the Holy Spirit's role in their life.

Many times the way we do some of these things is subtle. We can give our husbands a look or a sweet but controlling speech. Sometimes our dishonoring may not even be to their face, but we might uncover them with our words to other people, perhaps by telling other sisters about their weaknesses or jokingly putting them down. The Lord has placed our husbands over us and whether we're with them or not, our words and actions need to always convey respect and honor.

What makes this so important

We have been looking at how to be a safe place for our husbands. First, we must learn to simply recognize our husband's heart when he is sharing it. We also must grow in our capacity to be a warm, welcoming, and inviting place for him and to honor him from our heart in both word and deed. But let's take this a step deeper into why this is so important. Though we have been talking about husband-wife relating, we can also join with the Apostle Paul who, in the very same context, said, "This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church" (Eph. 5:32).

The bride of Christ, the wife of the Lamb, is also referred to as "a dwelling of God in the Spirit" (Eph. 2:22, Rev. 21:1-3). In other words, she is the place where He dwells. Clearly she, and thus all the saints who compose her, is one who honors Him with all her heart and submits to Him "in everything." Clearly she, and thus all the saints who compose her, learned to invite and welcome Him into their midst, and make a place for His heart to be heard and known and fitted around. Clearly she, and thus all the saints who compose her, took the time to learn to recognize His voice and leadings, and thus His very heart. When Paul wrote of husband-wife relating, he did so in the context of ultimately talking about the Lord Jesus and His bride. In other words, His people's earthly marriages are to be a reflection of the greater reality of how He and His church are to relate.

It is many times easier for us to recognize what is, or at least should be, true for how the church should relate to the Lord. If we heard of the church in a particular area being so extremely busy with ministry and good works that they never made time for the Lord Himself, we would refer them to Revelation 2:1-7 and tell them that they need to return to their first love. If we met believers who had decided that the Lord would and should meet all their material expectations, we would tell them that they need to let all those expectations go, taking them to the cross, and simply follow Jesus regardless of whether He gave them much or little. If we encountered Christians who were complaining that the Lord was unfair or was requiring something of them that was unreasonable in their eyes, we would be repulsed and refuse to join in their conversation with them. Yet we many times fail to see that we do the very same things, in essence, in relation to our earthly husbands. Does this reflect the bride's heart toward the Lord Jesus? May the Lord help us all to grow in our capacities to be a safe place for our husband and for Him.

 

 

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