Are Your Motives Pure In Parenting?

by Maranatha Chapman

 

 

As parents, most of us are quite familiar with the scriptures that speak to the training and instructing of our children (Prov. 22:6, Eph. 6:4, Deut. 6:4-7, et al.). In seeking to live out these admonitions we each have unique methods of teaching and various goals for what we desire to impart to them. I'm sure we are all well aware of the many different things we hope to teach them before they are grown and married and no longer in training. I know I continually have new ideas and desires for what I want my children to learn about, and skills and character qualities I want them to acquire. But what I would like to challenge us with has to do with how we go about teaching and training our children and where we are coming from in our heart in our parenting.

Heart motives matter very much to the Lord. So often we end up producing the very opposite of what we really want to see in our children because the place we come from in our heart is impure, selfish, prideful, or fearful. Instead of reaping good fruit we harvest behavioral problems and bad attitudes. The Lord has indeed made all seed to produce "after its kind."

I would like to devote the rest of this article to looking at several different areas of parenting and training our children for the purpose of looking at why we are doing what we do. My point is not so much to look at what we are teaching them but rather the motivations behind our teaching. I will be giving only one or two examples in each of the following sections in order to give you a basic idea of what to look for in each particular category. I say this because we could come up with hundreds of examples in each one of these, and I want you to know I am not limiting the scope of our looking at our motives to merely these one or two issues or examples. The specifics of my examples may not fit you exactly, but the heart of what is being said may directly apply. I encourage you to read through this slowly and ask the Holy Spirit to help you see the motivations of your heart. The scriptures let us know that "the heart is deceitful" and difficult for us to perceive accurately (Jer. 17:9-10), so be careful not to assume that you are coming from a good place in your heart simply because you do not agree with coming from a bad place. The Lord is so faithful to show us what is hidden to our own eyes. So as you read, eagerly invite Him to show you if you are parenting from any impure motives. You really need to see it if you are-a lot of good fruit is at stake here!

Behavior

Are you teaching your children to sit still and be quiet at certain times? If so, why? Are you doing this so you can impress the people around you or get positive affirmation and "a pat on the back" for being such a good parent? I'm sure we could all see the pride in teaching them for those reasons. Or, are you training them in this way because, before the Lord, you feel they need this ability? Are you doing this for your children's benefit because you love them and you know it is good fore their lives to learn these kinds of things, or are you doing it to be noticed by others? You can apply these questions to any area of behavioral skill you are endeavoring to train them in. Who are you doing it for?

Development

Have you ever had your children learn a skill particularly well or develop an exceptional talent (piano, art, quilting, sewing, cooking, carpentry, speaking another language, sports, etc.)? Have you allowed and/or encouraged this pursuit because you want them to be praised and respected by others, and you want this to be a reflection back upon you? One way to find out if you have impure motives in these types of situations is to see if you are driven to let everybody know how great they are at their talent. We always need to evaluate and reevaluate things in this category. We must also discern the "wisdom from above" (James 3:17-18) to determine what is truly needed for our children and only encourage their development in these areas.

As Christians, we should never be ones to just follow along with the crowd. Nor do we need to raise our children to be "superstars." There is obviously nothing wrong with their doing well, even exceptionally well, in areas of life. What joy this brings us. But if we are encouraging or using their proficiency as an opportunity for our flesh, to draw attention to ourselves , then impurity has taken over. In addition to the fact that this will encourage them to walk in pride and self-focusedness, which is a huge hindrance to their relationship with the Lord, we will also subtly instill in them that their worth as a person is based upon their performance. Don't buy into the world's ideas of what makes you of value, and don't, in turn, pass the world's valuations down to your children. Our worth and identity needs to be found only in the reality that Jesus sees us a valuable and chose to lay His life down for us "while we were yet sinners" (in other words, long before we were ever doing anything of value for Him; Rom. 5:8).

I have also talked to a number of mothers who confessed that they put their children in various classes or pushed them to develop certain skills because they, the mother (and perhaps the father too), were scared that if they didn't their children would be looked down upon or even considered "dumb" by other children. Another fear we can give in to is worrying that our children are going to look back one day and resent us because we did not allow them to do this or that. The point here is that we need to recognize that regardless of whether we are coming out of motivations of fear or pride or both, seeking the approval of others is quite damaging to both our children and our relationship with them. Instead, out of love, we should solely seek what is best for them in terms of what they do or do not do, regardless of how this makes us look in the eyes of others.

Spiritual growth

Do you want your children to read or memorize the scriptures? If so, why? Are you afraid that if they don't they will seem unspiritual to others whose approval you seek, or do you want them to know what is written so you can be proud of them? Gross! Having them learn the scriptures from either of these motivations is you neither loving them nor imparting something of the Lord to them. I believe that if your motives are mixed in this, your children will get the effect of your impure agenda and this will have harmful repercussions upon their spiritual growth. They will go along with you for a while, but eventually they will either rebel or continue a life of pretending and covering up their lack of any real relationship with the Lord. Hopefully you want them to know and walk with Jesus for them, not for you, even though their doing so happens to be a tremendous blessing to you too. If you find that you are applauding yourself when you are reading the scriptures to them or are somehow imparting something of the Lord to them, you have pride in mixed with anything genuine that may be in your heart. Just love them and deliver the Lord to them. If you read the scriptures to them, wonderful, but do so because you sincerely have a desire for them to know the Lord through the Bible and be familiar with His precious words. With anything you give for their spiritual growth, be faithful to follow the Lord's lead in what to give them and when to give it-"the proper food at the proper time" (Matt. 24:45-46, Eph. 4:29).

Discipline

When you discipline your children, is it purely for the good of their heart and life, or do you discipline in certain ways because someone is watching whose approval you seek, or to state it negatively, whose disapproval you fear? Let me explain what I mean. Do you find that at home you overlook or only mildly confront certain things your children may do, but then when you get around certain other people and your children do the very same things, you "come down hard on them" and strongly confront them and perhaps even spank them for it? If you do, this is a "red flag"! We do not want our parenting and disciplining to ever be a means by which we "show off" or "window dress" for others. Do not play the "Jeckyll & Hyde" role of flipping in and out of being the lenient pushover one minute and the stern disciplinarian the next. Such instability is not only confusing to your children, but they will see right through your hypocrisy and insecurity-driven pretending, and this could easily encourage rebellion. Lead and discipline your children consistently all the time whether you are at home, among the saints, with people whom you respect, out in the world, and regardless of whether or not it is convenient (It seldom is!).

I have met mothers who admitted they discipline their children in certain ways simply because they are following others rather than it being from convictions of their own. If you find this to be true for you, ask the Lord to show you if you have a lust for other's approval, and if/when you see it, turn away from it every time it comes up. Make sure that anytime you are leading, instructing, or chastening your child, you are doing so from a place of following the Lord and loving them (i.e., truly seeking their good).

If you:

• do not discipline your children out of conviction.
• are just trying different methods of disciplining because someone else does it that way.
• discipline because you will feel guilty if you don't.
• discipline because you will feel better about yourself if you do.
  

.then, in time, your children will probably not respect you very much because they will get the effect of the lack of genuineness in what you are doing. If you do not know what the Lord has for you in the area of disciplining your children, ask Him to show you, search out these matters in the scriptures, and obtain help from others in the body of Christ who walk well in this area. You need to have a quiet, unshakable confidence before the Lord in how you are training and disciplining them. Be committed to loving them in this way, and doing whatever you need to do to be able to do so. And just to make it clear, there is nothing at all wrong with identifying with someone you respect in the Lord and following their example as you are becoming established in the Lord in this or any area of life (cf. Phil. 3:17; 1 Cor. 4:16, 11:1). The hitch is that you need to make absolutely sure you are not you are not doing what you do simply to be noticed by them or others, or as a means of winning their approval or not earning their disapproval (Matt. 6:1).

Activities

If you have your children engaged in "extra-curricular" activities or involved in academic or recreational functions that take them away from the home, I strongly encourage you to make sure you are allowing this because you believe you have the Holy Spirit's leading to do so (Rom. 8:14) and it is what is best for your children. Never enroll them in these things or steer them toward those types of activities just to "get them out of your hair" for a while because you are feeling exhausted or are otherwise wanting to get away from them. I think we can all easily see that selfish motives are in play in such scenarios. Likewise, as mentioned earlier, do not allow your children to do an activity or be a part of something just because "everyone else is doing it" or you want to be like "everyone else," or you are seeking feelings of acceptance, belonging, and approval through permitting this activity. This even applies to things that seem spiritual or good. We need to do whatever we do because it is the Lord's will (Col. 3:17).

Protection

Do you have certain restrictions upon your children or do you do or prohibit certain things in order to shelter them from the world and shield them from unnecessary temptations and stumbling blocks? If so, why do you do these things? Are you following the Lord in this and pursuing it out of love for your children, knowing that you will give an account to the Lord for the influences you allow to shape them? Or, do you want others to be impressed with your wholesomeness and think highly of you? Do you like being a rebel where expected norms are concerned, or want people to think you are radical, or enjoy the "shock value" of being different and airing your conservative views to others? Both of the latter types of motivations have pride and self-righteousness in the mix, and perhaps some fear too, and you are going to end up passing these things down to your children. Do you hold to these things because you are going along with a [conservative home schooling] crowd and they feel convicted about these matters? If so, you probably will not be able to stay with it for long because it is not really an expression of your own heart and life and walk with the Lord.

In closing

Parenting requires us to make many decisions and value judgments every single day. Within each of these choices are motives, and our motives can be pure or impure. We can do things from the Holy Spirit and love or we can do things from selfish and base motivations. As we can see from the examples in each of these areas, the fleshly motives typically stem from fear or lust (intense desire) or pride, or some combination of them as is so often the case. Sisters, let us not fall into these traps and snares, but rather walk with a humble heart in love, having our ears fully inclined to the Lord, so that when we are tempted with impurity in our motives or we allow them to come into play, we see them for what they are, turn away from them, and resume walking through life with our wonderful Lord.

 

 

 

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