Are You Self-Centered?

by Maranatha Chapman

 

 

When we think of someone who is self-centered, we women may conjure up a mental picture of, say, a, ambitious feminist working mother who "wants to have it all" and mows over or neglects her family (or anyone else who gets in her way) in order to "achieve success." Or we may think of a sour-faced, worldly, hedonistic, teenager whose only goal in life is to please himself. Both of these are obvious, if not stereotypical, examples of people who are blatantly self-absorbed.

When we hear about others who are selfish, self-focused, self-centered, self-promoting, and engaged in constant self-preservation, we may subtly cringe and think to ourselves how blessed we are that we do not have this problem. However, I would like to challenge us all to invite the Spirit of Truth to help us really take a hard honest look at ourselves, our motives, and our practices. We may be shocked to discover that ultimately we fall into the same category as the ambitious working mother or the pouty pleasure-seeking teenager. We know the Lord Jesus has called us to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Him. We know He calls us to love Him with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love one another even as He has loved us (Matt. 22:36-40, John 13:34). Yet I think most of us fail to see just how much we are focused on ourselves and how big a problem this is among us dedicated Christian housewives and homeschooling mothers too.

So, do you want to be honest about what is really in your heart? Do you want the Lord to purify and sanctify everything in your life? If so, then be courageous in looking at your motives when considering the following questions and see if He exposes areas of self-centeredness in your heart and life.

 

• Is your relationship with the Lord primarily focused on your own needs and wants? When you approach the Lord in prayer, do you inadvertently relate to Him as a "genie" or like Santa Claus, presenting Him with your wish list? Or do you wait upon Him to find out what is on His heart?
  
  
• Are your own needs more at the forefront of your mind than those of others? Do you have a hard time living "out here" and seeing and recognizing others' needs? (Phil. 2:3-4)
  
  
• In listening and communicating with others, are you primarily thinking about how whatever is being talked about affects you (i.e., how it applies to you, how it makes you feel, what all your thoughts and opinions are and a feeling of urgency to make them known, what memories it brings up in your mind, etc.?) Or do you seek to really hear the other person's heart and have genuine interaction with one another, as opposed to a one-sided conversation or "competing for the floor"? In other words, are you more interested in your own life or in getting to know the life of others? Do you seek to be heard more than you seek to listen? (James 1:19)
  
  
• Do you relate to some/all people as there to serve you (i.e., waiters/waitresses, cashiers, employees, your husband, your children, etc.)? Or do you view yourself as one who is here to serve and ready to do so at any given time, even if you are, say, being waited upon at a restaurant?
  
  
• If you are in a disagreement or argument with someone, is your quest to win, get your point across, and be heard and understood? Or is your main goal to reconcile and reconnect your hearts in love?
  
  
• In your relationship with your husband, does your life and choices express the reality that you are "created for the man's sake" (1 Cor. 11:9), or do you work to reverse this scriptural reality? Are you there for him? Do you primarily think of things that would bless you and give to your heart, or are you mostly thinking of how to bless and give to him?
  
  
• If you are awakened during the night by your husband or a needy child or the Lord stirring you to prayer, do you grumble and complain saying, "What about my sleep?"
  
  
• Do you find yourself looking for either the easiest most minimal-effort options or ways to get out of serving altogether? Do you give out of what's extra, or with your whole heart do you give to the fullest measure needed, even if that is everything, knowing the Lord will supply what you need? (Phil. 4:17-19)
  
  
• Do you give so others will give back to you? When you give of yourself, do you have to have some sort of goal or reward in front of you that you will achieve or get when you're finished serving? Or do you give of yourself and serve "expecting nothing in return"? (Luke 6:30-35)
  
  
• Do you give to others in order to feel needed? Do you "need to be needed"? Do you serve in order to be noticed by others? Do you give to others to feel important? Do you give to others so you do not have to feel alone? Ladies, this can be very subtle. If, before the Lord, your answer to any of these questions is yes, your "love" or "serving" is coming from impure and selfish motives. Our loving and giving must only be for the benefit of the other person, and not for some thing or some way it can benefit us or make us feel. If we are blessed in the process, rejoice! But if potential blessing is what is motivating us, we are being self-serving, and are not truly loving. "Love.does not seek its own" (1 Cor. 13:5).
  
  
• Do you view your husband or your children or the members of the body of Christ as interruptions to what you are trying to accomplish? Do you have schedules or agendas that if/when someone messes it up you are distant, irritated, angry, or just not okay? Have you given the Lord your whole life? Do you recognize that this includes all of your time? Do you seek Him each moment for genuine discernment so as to know if something is truly a distraction or a God-appointed "interruption"?
  
  
• Are you in touch with and seek your rights, and do you stand up for them?
  
  
• Do you ask the Lord to daily burn you up as "a living sacrifice," as incense upon His altar, and to use you in whatever way He wishes, or do you find that you spend much of your time pushing things/people away, trying to hang on to whatever life you have?

 

I think these questions can/do expose areas of self-centeredness in all of us. I am not implying that we do not have legitimate needs, we do. Nor am I holding up some perverted standard that we should become a non-person. But doing this exercise from time to time will help us to see areas where we need to die to various ways we practice self-centeredness and grow further in the Lord's grace to lay down our lives and love.

We all know where the Lord Jesus said, "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" (Matt. 6:33). Few of us would ever be tempted to think that merely "me and mine" is the kingdom of God, yet in our seeking of the kingdom of God, it is amazing how this is typically our very focus! It helps me keep the right perspective when I take to heart that His call is to seek first the whole domain of God, and "me and mine" is just one little part of His kingdom, and it is not even to be my first consideration. Every moment is an opportunity to seek the Lord and wait upon Him. Whether we are sitting still with our eyes closed or walking through the affairs of daily life, we can see what is on the heart of the King of the whole domain, and then join with Him in whatever that is. We can do this in childlike trust, knowing that even if His leadings are predominantly focused on His interests that pertains to others, He will add to us all we need for our own heart and life and family.

 

 

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