A Word to New Wives
By Maranatha Chapman
Frequently, I am asked a similar set of questions from young ladies who are newly married (within the first two years) regarding their role in the home. Some of these sisters might already have a baby, or one on the way, but for most, it's just the two them, just her and her honey. Either way, the answers to these questions are about the same. Here is a sampling of the questions:
- "I'm
20 years old and have been married for six months. I have a good marriage,
but, to be honest, I'm very bored. I clean for about an hour each day,
but after that I just walk around our home redecorating. I like to talk
on the phone and that helps pass the time, but I wanted to see if you
had any advice on what else I can do with my day. My husband has wondered
about me getting a part time job just so I can have more to do besides
decorating our apartment. I also think my boredom is starting to concern
him."
- "Do you
have any ideas for what to do with my time? My husband works six days
a week. I'm about 20 weeks pregnant with our first child, so I'm all
alone in a tiny little house out in the middle of nowhere just waiting
to finally put into action the truths I have learned about being a mother
and a homemaker."
- "I was wondering what you thought about wives working outside the home before the children come. Of course I am going to be a stay-at-home mom and I plan to homeschool and the whole bit. But until then, I want to do more than just have lunch with my friends everyday and prepare a big candlelight dinner for my husband each night. I'm blessed to have a lot of people in my life and it's important to me to have time for them, but I feel guilty sometimes when I see all that my husband does in comparison to what I contribute. I feel like I'm just kind of playing. Maybe it's supposed to be this way because the Lord knows it's going to get a lot harder once we have children and so I'm supposed to just have fun right now?"
When
I read letters like these and talk to many precious sisters who are starting
on their new journey in marriage and family, it is clear to me that the
enemy has a scheme to corrupt their lives and thwart the Lord's plan for
them right from the beginning. If he can get to us early on, then we go
on to build on a messed up foundation. What is really sad is that I see
the enemy winning more often than not, and by the time these women see
that they need to make some serious changes to realign themselves with
the Lord's way, the retaking of this lost ground usually involves a lot
of heartache.
You
can start your marriage off right in your role as a wife as far as submitting
to, following, loving, and caring for your husband, but what about the
whole aspect of being "a keeper at home" (Titus 2:4-5)? Many just wait,
or think they have to wait, until they have a couple of children before
they begin to learn how to be a keeper at home. In my opinion, to wait
until that point borders on being too late or, at the very least, is an
extremely difficult context in which to learn. It's one thing to grow
in your depth and maturity at being a keeper at home as life goes on,
but it is quite another thing to be in the middle of being a wife in her
childbearing years, mothering the little ones you already have, and trying
to maintain your home, and then realize you need to tear down your flawed
foundation and lay a whole new one.
Most
new wives I talk to don't have a clue what they are suppose to "do," so
their life is spent on the phone, sleeping late, watching talk shows,
at the mall, spending money, running around, and many other idle activities.
Please understand, though sisters like these need help, I do not condemn
anyone in this position. My heart is actually grieved by the poor job
older women have done in equipping these well-intentioned, in-love women.
Their lacks and their reluctances or even refusals to walk in God's way
are now being manifested in the young women they have brought up.
I
believe the very best way for younger women to come forth is to learn
in the way that the scriptures prescribe: to have a living example of
a faithful woman of God to observe and be instructed by (Titus 2:3-5).
However, I realize most do not have this. So if you are having to discover
this path alone, the Lord, in His kindness and His redemptive way, can
teach you. It will take inclining your ear, dying to self, and saying
"Yes!" to Him with all your heart.
Exposing the enemy's scheme against you
It
is so important to identify what is not of
the Lord by uncovering lies and tearing down whatever we have built based
upon those lies so that we can build a solid
and true foundation in the Lord. Most women get married with a sincere
love and deep desire to serve their husband, but over time they lose this
crucial focus because, unintentionally or even sometimes deliberately,
they fail to apply themselves in both heart and actions to the actual
serving that is at hand right now. So what is Satan's agenda?
- To make you discontent
- To get you hooked in with the world
- To keep you anywhere but home
Remember that "your adversary, the devil, prowls around like
a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour," and he "comes only
to steal, and kill, and destroy" (1 Pet. 5:6-11, John 10:10).
Most start out with a genuine heart of readiness to pour out, love, and
serve. They have all kind of truths and ideas just waiting to be implemented.
But, as so many who have been married for a while can testify, they did
not actually settle into being a true "keeper (worker, servant) at home"
until they were forced to do so out of desperation, many times having
to learn some basics of contentment, cleaning, managing, and so on with
four children in tow. When it's just you and your husband, it takes very
little effort to clean house and keep meals going. Without children, these
basic jobs can take only about 2 or 3 hours of your day. The problem comes
with how to fill the rest of those hours, and this is where I believe
Satan's traps get laid. It is very easy to begin looking outside of the
home (a keeper at home's domain) in order to fill you time and try to
find fulfillment, and it is here that most women get snared.
Beware of the shopping trap. Running from store to store, chasing down endless sales, and ever being on the hunt for something new can make you feel like you are doing something productive, but, in reality, it can be a huge time stealer, money pit, and one of the biggest ways contentment gets destroyed.
Beware
of "hanging out." In First Timothy 5:11-15, Paul warns Timothy
about ways young widows in the churches get themselves ensnared to sin,
but I think these admonitions also speak to young women who are newly
married as well. He said that they "learn to be idle, as they go around
from house to house; and not merely idle, but also gossips and busybodies,
talking about things not proper to mention" (v. 13). Idle time spent yakking
and chatting with girlfriends always ends in
regret (Prov. 10:19!). This is fertile ground for gossip, slander,
complaining, discontentment, exposing husbands, inappropriate talk, silliness,
laziness, etc. I think it is also important to embrace that in our day
and time you can "go around from house to house" by hanging out on the
telephone and by hanging out on the Internet, sending and receiving e-mails
throughout the day and visiting "chat rooms." What was Paul's Holy-Spirit-inspired
answer for this problem? "Therefore, I want younger widows to get married,
bear children, keep house, and give the enemy no occasion for reproach;
for some have already turned aside to follow Satan" (vv. 14-15).
Beware
of laziness. Whether it is laziness of heart or laziness in
our actions, this is another huge trap that I see. You may not have seven
children that you are teaching, cooking for, and cleaning up after, but
you can always be on the ready with energetic enthusiasm in you work and
service. Don't allow yourself to sleep you day away. Discontentment and
lack of focus will in fact make you tired and
even sleepy, whereas wholehearted, purposed work will actually make you
feel more energy. If you let go to discontentment and aimless living,
you will actually begin to believe that you "need" a lot more sleep than
you really do. And if you feed this "need," you are developing an incredibly
bad habit that will have to be broken and undone once children start coming
(unless you want to end up passing it on to them), and it can be an incredibly
difficult pattern to break. Also watch out for sitting around a lot. Stay
active and don't even start the "stuck in the chair" syndrome. Passivity
is poison and though you may not yet have 10 things screaming at you,
don't be a lethargic, ho-hum worker in your home. With everything you
put your hands to, do it with purpose and with all you heart (Col. 3:23).
Beware of too many activities outside of your home. If you start out with a foundation of busyness away from your domain, it will only grow. You can convince yourself that "it's only a season" and that when the kids finally start coming, you will then make yourself stay put, but you are deceiving yourself! You will actually continue to be "on the go" with a lot of activities outside the home (just more of them), and you will end up leading your children into busyness outside the home too, all because you never carved out the capacity for "keeping" at home.
Beware
of harmful influences. There is a common assumption out there
that, once you get married, you are somehow unaffected by negative influences.
I think the opposite is many times true because of independence, youth,
inexperience, and the enemy's plot. Be on the alert not to let wrong beliefs,
independence, feminism, disrespect, and worldly ideals have a place in
you. Our hearts are soil (cf. Matt. 13:3, 18-19; Luke 8:15), and we do
not need to let any ungodly seed find a rooting ground in us I have seen
so many women lose serious ground when they get married. For some, they
become "wise in their own eyes" and begin thinking of themselves "more
highly than they ought" (Prov. 3:7, Rom. 12:3, 16), and they develop the
attitude that they "have arrived," that they have matured, and that they
are able to handle the world without being affected. I have seen many
influenced by older women who did not have a proven life in God as a godly
wife, mother, and keeper at home, and they actually steered these impressionable
younger sisters into cynicism, bitterness, and many other horrible things.
Some young wives get caught by well-meaning single sisters who, instead
of pushing them toward their husband and their home, they actually call
them back to a life[style] that has already been left by virtue of getting
married. Sisters, be discerning about whom you spend your time and identify
with (Matt. 7:15-27, 1 Cor. 15:33!!).
The
Lord's Way For You
What is His plan? By seeing the scheme of the enemy you may have already begun to realize the answer. Now is the time to settle into your nest. You need hours, many hours, spent making your home a haven-for your husband, your children [to come], and all to whom you will extend hospitality. Every aspect of your home needs attention and focus. Make it yours. If you hope to one day manage your home efficiently, "looking well to the ways of your household" (Prov.31:27), you must start now. If you hope to enjoy this privileged role of "keeper at home," you have to fully give yourself to embracing your home as your place of service. Building a nest that runs well, brings honor to the Lord and your husband, and is a peaceful place to all who enter takes an enormous amount of time, energy, and, purposed focus. Here are some practicals to help:
Continue learning. For some reason, once we get that husband and have our little home, we think that learning and preparation are over. This is simply not true. There are so many more skills to acquire. Learn more about nutrition, organization, canning, music, sewing, etc. You can also go more in depth in things you already know. Continue to prepare for motherhood. Do you know how many mamas I know who wish they had learned more about parenting, child training, and children's health issues but they squandered the time they had available for this when they were newly married? Don't have the attitude of "I've arrived." Instead, be teachable and learn everything you can, and take the time you need to develop and cultivate these skills.
Focus on management. Again, don't wait until you have three little ones and 20 things to juggle all at once. Endeavor to carefully and intently carry the six things you have now, and then grow your capacity as you take on more. Learn to do each thing well, whether cooking, cleaning, writing, gardening, etc. Then take on learning the art of coordinating your time and fitting each task, hobby, or skill appropriately in life while keeping up with all if it. This takes time to learn, and it is so much easier to learn it when you have fewer jobs.
Develop a routine. If you are taking your life seriously, then your time will be precious to you. You have to see that everything you are doing as immensely important. So get a good start as a keeper at home and learn to live with, and even enjoy, structure. As much as you can learn to discern how the Lord wants you to structure your day, then follow with it. Have your "Lord willing" plan (James 4:13-17). Don't just allow life to happen. If you do, you will be fashioning some really bad habits such as indecision, laziness, lack of focus, passivity, and half-heartedness.
Submit to any limitations. Accept whatever God has for you. Don't compare your life with others, or grumble, or seek escape, or try to change your circumstances. It is by the Lord's own design that we have limitations, and if we embrace them while continuing to walk with Him by faith, doing our little part, we will see Him move mountains! This will also lead to our walking in more of His life, patience, peace, contentedness, gratitude, thankfulness, and humility. Chances are there is something in your life you would love to be different. It could be that you and your husband are constantly running out of money or you are aching to get pregnant. You may only have only one car or there is no fellowship where you live. Whatever the limitation, fully embrace what you do have as well as what you don't have, and keep your trust in God. If you can learn this lesson now, while you are just starting out, you will save yourself many tears, pain, anguish, and disunity. Learn to seek Jesus, wait on Him, and have a thankful heart. Life will only present more and more limitations, difficulties, and hardships. Put to death any self will or fighting for what you want, and discover what God has provided for you right now in your very limited circumstances. You eyes will be opened to the many miracles He works, and your joy will be made full.
Go deeper in Jesus!! If you have "free" hours in your life now, spend them getting to know your Lord and Father more. Grow capacities for sitting at His feet and listening to His word-they will serve you well and provide you with a good base of experience to draw from later when life becomes so busy with your "quiver full" and you face many more temptations to be "worried and bothered about so many things" (Luke 10:38-42). Learn God's ways. Learn His voice. Enjoy His presence. Be His disciple and learn to walk by His Spirit, and do whatever it takes put to death the deeds of the flesh (Rom. 8:12-18, Gal. 5:16-25). Establish a prayer life, study the scriptures, and learn how to be a true servant of Jesus. Be ever-ready and willing to lay down everything for Him, volunteering yourself to be burned up and poured out for His purposes. Nothing could more greatly prepare you to be a keeper at home than this.
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