A Mama's Comfort
by Maranatha Chapman
When you reflect upon your life in God, can you think of times when you
have sought to get your need met through some source other than the Lord?
Have you noticed that, when we do so, we end up feeling more alone and
"orphaned" (fatherless-re: John 14:16-18), and we typically end up getting
ensnared in sin? God has placed within all of us a deep desire to be loved,
understood, and comforted. He longs for us to sink into His arms and receive
from Him in a way that fully takes in His heart of love and care for us.
Why we would seek to then get those needs met from anyone or anything
else is really ludicrous, isn't it? Time and time again He has more than
proven His trustworthiness and faithfulness and just how huge His love
is toward us.
I believe the Lord wants to use parents to set their children up for relating
rightly to Him with their need. Can you imagine living a life that from
"Day One" was all about dependence, trust, and knowing someone who is
"bigger" than you, who protects and guides you through life with wisdom
and love? Thankfully for we children of God, this is not something we
have to imagine any longer because this is how we are actually called
to relate to The Father through Jesus right now. But there's more. We
also have the opportunity right now to "train up" our children in this
very manner so that when they hit adulthood they are already completely
accustomed to living this way and can, in turn, transition into appropriately
walking with the Lord.
One specific area of training and preparing our children in this way that
I feel is extremely important is in where our
children find comfort. The scriptures teach us that the Holy Spirit has
been given as a Comforter to those who wholly believe in the Lord Jesus,
and that He will be in/with us forever (John 14:16-18). Obviously, HE
is where we want to ultimately aim our children
to find their comfort throughout their life. If we are knowing the Holy
Spirit as our place of comfort and are likewise being a healthy place
of comfort for children, then, as they get older and grow in knowing the
Lord themselves, they will more readily transfer their knowing us as their
primary place of comfort directly over to Him. It's just like teaching
our children to obey us the first time we tell them to do something and
to trust and not question us about it. If this is how they are raised,
then, as adults relating to the Lord, they will quite naturally obey Him
immediately when He leads them and probably won't even think to question
Him. It's the same with receiving comfort. We can "set them up" correctly
by taking in The Father's love ourselves and then letting the Holy Spirit
minister to our children through us while not allowing them to get their
comfort from any other source.
Before looking at how to comfort and some what-not-to-do's, we first need
to see the genuine need every child has to be comforted and that the Lord
Himself created everyone to have this need. When we hurt or feel any kind
of pain, in order for us to be truly comforted we have to let down, open
up, and allow someone to be bigger than us so that we can draw off of
their strength because we are in touch with our weakness(es). If, however,
we try to bind up our own wounds, help our own hearts, and encourage ourselves
while being closed off to others, we are attempting to be self-sufficient
and in need of no one outside of ourselves. In this condition, there's
nowhere left to go but to "crash and burn." The Lord intended for us to
be little and weak (Matt. 18:1-5, Luke 12:22-32, 2 Cor. 12:9-10) so that
we would feel our desperate need for Him, lean on Him, look to Him, wholeheartedly
trust Him, and allow Him to be our strength. Jesus even said that we must
"become like children" to enter the kingdom of heaven, and He viewed our
being comforted as such a legitimate need that He sent the Holy Spirit
after His ascension to "be with us forever" (Matt. 18:3).
This all being true, we should not despise our children for needing us
to "make it all better" any more than we would want The Father to despise
us for our needing Him, in essence, "to make it all better." This is why
the Lord gave children to parents. Our being a secure place of comfort
will actually set them up well in relating to Him and will safeguard against
them running to other places to get their valid need met. And mamas, we
are of key importance when it comes to bringing comfort to their hearts.
The Lord will use us in an incredible way to help form an "inner compass"
for their direction in life and to establish a security for their hearts
that will have long-lasting fruit.
Do you know that because the need to be comforted is so strong in our
children that if they do not get it from you and Daddy, they will seek
to get it met through food, material objects, compulsive rituals, or various
addictions (alcohol, sex, etc.)? A child doesn't even have to have a horrible
negative influence in his life to form harmful addictions, but if we allow
a void in their lives where being comforted is concerned, they will. It
is completely normal to want comfort, but it has to
be met by the parents and then later by the Lord or it will lead to something
destructive.
Mamas, we have opportunities every day to give our children healthy and
appropriate comfort and love. The main way is to be for them a settled
place of gentle strength that carries them out of sadness, fear, or pain.
What do I mean? Let's say little Johnny falls down and scrapes his knee
and he is crying. Start off by saying, "Ooh honey, I'm so sorry." Be soothing,
kiss and hug them, but then take the step so many forget to take: tell
them, "You're okay," in a very loving yet matter-of-fact way. You have
to lead their hearts and actually help them "wrap up" the emotion, the
trauma. If all you do is hold and kiss a screaming child and yet never
lead them out of their upset state, you have not comforted them-you have
simply tried to manage them. If, on the other hand, you skip the lovin',
kissin', and "oh sweetie" stuff but go straight into telling them they
are fine and helping them get on with life, you haven't truly comforted
them either-you have only communicated (trained) them that there is no
legitimate place at all to hurt or feel pain. That is a horrible message
to send to your children because it will forever-throughout their life-drive
them to stay totally "above" the pain (pain that will
come in this life) by either pretending it's not really there or living
detached from what is really in their heart and dealing with it honestly.
They will become either a robot-type who is emotionally shut down or a
"Mr. Everything is GREAT!!!!" type.
Let's say someone hurts them by knocking them down. Your response is crucial!
Again, love them, kiss them, hug them, and say how sorry you are that
it happened. But then make sure to give them the "Sweetie, we need to
forgive and go on-you're okay." If you do not comfort their pain, they
will feel alone, comfortless, and like you are indifferent to their plight.
If you go on too long and soupy with "I'm soooooooooo sorry!!" you will
create "a victim." So it is important to get it right when you respond.
Let me explain what I mean by the term "a victim," because to understand
this is a bigger deal than you may think. A "victim" is the one that always
has to blame someone. As an adult, it shows up as them always finding
fault with people and circumstances because someone or something (never
them or their choices, of course) is always to
blame for their pain and misery. They love to talk about their problems
and there is ALWAYS a problem. Someone is always out to get them and they
continually have a new story to tell about someone who has wronged them.
The "Christianized variety" of this many times includes concluding statements
from them like, "Well, I'm just going to love them and lay down my life,"
or, "That's what happens when you serve the Lord." Whatever the circumstance,
they view and portray themselves as the martyr, and this is usually mixed
with a big dose of self-righteousness. Yucky! If we can break our little
"victims" early on and never do anything to help create that mentality
in them, then they won't turn out to be that person I described.
Your question now may be, "How do I know whether or not I have already
created one?" Here are some easy ways to spot it in children. If you have
got a whiner, there is a good chance you have a little victim in the making.
Whining is complaining with a sing-songy sad tune. Nip this in the bud
and tell them every chance you get things like, "You are just fine," or,
"You're okay." Be firm and matter of fact. If you're not sure your little
one whines, ask others in your life for their honest evaluation. I'll
guarantee you that they know. Sometimes we mamas adore our "precious little
angels" too much to see their flaws as being as stinky as they really
are.
Another indicator of the victim mentality taking root in your children
is that they like to get hurt. You know, the ones with the pitiful little
face, but behind it is a secret grin of satisfied delight because they
are working you. To them, it's worth the pain to get the attention. Yet
another symptom is that when they really do get hurt, everything they
say is worded in such a way as to blame. For instance, they trip and then
immediately accuse, "She made me fall." You know how they do. It's like
the whole world is out to get them and everything is "on purpose." And
what about when you confront their little victim game and they turn it
around onto you with statements like, "You don't understand," or "You
don't love me; you don't care"? Oh mamas, firmly and consistently deal
with this before it's too late. Say things like, "No one is out to get
you." Don't let them complain about others. If every time they are with
people they have a complaint of something "being done to them," stop it
dead in its tracks. Do not even listen to that garbage or you will be
crippling them for life by validating it. Whenever they are feeling "victim
pain," don't feel sorry for them, just lead them on.
What
about comforting your children when they are scared? Again, it is important
to be affectionate, speak softly, and gently communicate your love, but
do not let them stay in fear for any amount of time. Lead them out of
it even if you have to become stern and serious. Be confident, knowing
that they can choose their way out of the fear.
Teach them how. Isaiah 12:2 says, "Behold, God is my salvation, I will
trust and not be afraid." When we are tempted with fear, the way out is
to trust the Lord. Trusting is the action we need to
choose to do when we find our heart fearing, and trusting will dispel
the fear. If this is how we are called to walk with The Father, it is
the same way our children need to walk with us. Call for your children
to trust you regarding whatever it is they are afraid of.
When
your children are afraid, do not leave them to themselves nor, on the
other hand, allow yourself to be controlled by their fear. We sometimes
wrongly put fearfulness in a category that says we should pity them or
give them extra compassion. You can be understanding and loving but you
need to see the fear as an unbelieving, untrusting heart. You have to
tell them that they are fine and call for them to believe you and trust
your word. If they will not believe you and trust, you need to see that
they have their will set against yours and it is an obedience issue. Is
this not how the Lord relates these very issues with us?
In
any situation where you are comforting your children, you have to be settled
yourself so that you can take them into your settledness. Only then will
you be truly giving them comfort. I like to pull my children in really
close and speak very softly to them. In gentleness guide their hearts.
It's not difficult to settle a child's heart, you just have to know what
you are after and not let up until you feel them calm, secure, and at
peace inside.
Make
certain that all of your comforting originates from a "gentle and quiet
spirit" (1 Pet. 3:3-4) and from a confidence in knowing what your vision
is for your children's lives. Remember that how you respond now matters
greatly. If the way you presently "comfort" is to give treats, act silly,
get real shallow, give them food, turn on the TV, or give them a hope
about what's next, then please prayerfully consider throwing these techniques
out the window and learn instead to give the kind of comfort your Father
in heaven gives to you.
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